guarire

Y nadie sabe por qué un día el amor nace 
Ni sabe nadie por qué muere el amor un día...

Y volverás a esperanzarte
Y luego a desesperar
Y cuando menos lo esperes
Tu corazón va a sanar
Va a sanar
Va a sanar
Y va a volver a quebrarse
Mientras le toque pulsar

sogni e le aspirazioni

I really enjoyed our talk today.  

Did I say too much? Was it too soon?

"Too Much? Too Soon?"

You helped to put a lot of my worries at ease.  I guess all I can do now is remain focused on my education and career goals and hope that the rest of it falls in place. Like I said, it's nice knowing I'm not alone, but at the same time I want to make sure that we're gonna be okay.  It's so close, I can taste it!

We can do this.

aspirazioni

“There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth - not going all the way and not starting.”

 -Buddha

One of my sorority sisters posted this quote on Facebook at the beginning of the month.  When I first read it I felt like crying. The thoughts and emotions it sparked were exhilarating. It was a moment of clarity and I hope to live it by the end of this year.  I'm so grateful to Anna O. for posting this becos it felt like a sign that was meant for me.

Step 1

I started looking at graduate school and pre-reqs today. It always seemed so unattainable and I was discouraged from looking.  Now I'm wondering why I hadn't done it sooner? It's easier than the mountain I had made it out to be.

Step 2

I began the application to register for the Foreign Services exam.  I don't think I'm quite ready for the February 2012 test date, but I plan on registering for the June exam.

baby steps.

*update 1/18/12
I wasn't able to say this in person today, but the enthusiasm you had for my snaillike blossoming progress is much appreciated.  The reason being becos when I mentioned grad school to Maund his response was "You need to grow up." No exclamation, non-advisory, but more like a stop-fucking-around connotation.  When I mentioned the idea and Maund's response to some Trans, Lil Z was floored and said she was surprised at his remark being that this could greatly benefit my career and our standard of living.  That's what I thought, and I felt like a kid being scolded for wanting more or something better than what I have now.
So, thank you. Thanks for being my motivation.

esasperante II

Around 18:00 I found a drop of blood and freaked out.  I called my doctor and we discussed what/what not to do.  The bleeding has stopped, but now I feel sick.

Really? Really? I thought this was it. What could I have done differently? 

I lied in bed and felt nothing. Maund tried to comfort me, but I still felt nothing.  He knew I had been craving lemon pepper wings from Plucker's and offered to grab some for dinner. I agreed and decided to sit up in bed, but the minute I did so I began to sob.  Once I was feeling a little better he took off to get me some dinner.

I kinda feel defeated eventhough I don't know what's going on.  I can't give up just yet.  Nothing's been confirmed.  But still I can't help shake the memory of having breakthrough bleeding and then miscarrying a week and half later.  And you know what's not fair, getting to listen to my baby's heartbeat and not hearing it the next week.

Was it stress? Was it working in the path lab for 6 hours straight without taking a break? Was it from hanging out with my cat too much? Was it the humidifier? Was it allergies? What was it?!?! What am I gonna do if this happens again? 

Dr. K said to call him on Sunday for an update and possibly go in on Monday morning for an ultrasound. All I can do is wait, huh?

I really miss you.

inverno, primavera, estate o autunno

This morning I picked up my phone to say "Good Morning!" and I had to put it down.  "You're an idiot," I told myself.
This is how my day started.
I jumped in the car and this was the first song playing on my iPod...

"Ain't it good to know? Ain't it good to know?"

The next song was Paul McCartney's "(I Want To) Come Home" and then my stupid iPod played Roy Orbison's "Crying." How could it possibly know the mood I was in?

I remember this was the first song I shared with you in our exchange. It was for you, becos you are dear to me. I also remember the joy I felt when I walked into my fav store and saw the music box that plays a snippet of it.  It was for you.  And when I walked in to find it on your desk I knew it had always been for you.

I also like this song and it means so much more now.  I think this video is beautiful.

"I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought that I'd see you again."

I don't belive it. I won't quit. I won't give up on you, on us.

In advance, I'd like to say, "Goodnight" and "Good Morning, <3"

un giorno da dimenticare

So this is what it feels like to lose someone you love.
Wow.
Today, it feels like my world slipped away.
I know I shouldn't care or wonder where and how you are.
But I can't hide the hurt inside my broken heart.
But I know I'm not supposed to love you anymore.

"I'll find so many things to do that I won't have the time to think of her.
And then if she's still on my mind I'll try to drink enough to drown the hurt.
And if that don't work...

I'll think of something."

You know the funny thing is I still can't bring myself to bite my nails!  That's stupid, right? And all this because you made that remark.

I can't give you what you want right now.

I don't know why I thought I could?

I tried to plan things out, when what I should have done was jumped.  

A leap of faith.

It's true, though, you're better off without me. 

You can focus on school. Fall in love. Work in something you love! Have babies. 

You deserve that more than anyone else I know.

Today you said "there's no one day."  I read that as we were closing up the office in Killeen and my heart dropped.  Yet another reason to add to the "Killeen cons" list.  Nothing good ever comes out of Killeen.

But I don't believe it.  

"I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. 

I will see her every now and then, and... 

Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody, 

and it's gonna take a long time... 

And then it's perfect. 

I'm in no rush."

The love that I have for you isn't something that will fade.  If anything, it's allowed me to see the changes I need to make. To be happier with myself. To be happier with life, eventhough it feels impossible right now. 

I feel sad, lost, angry. At one point I was trying to rationalize things and thought, "He doesn't mean it.  It's like pushing someone away when you don't want to. Tough Love." But as I sit here writing, my heart is aching becos I know that's not the truth, is it?

One day, I hope to see you.  

I hope to see you smiling back at me.  

I hope to look into your kind eyes and see my good friend. 

But until then, I'll wait. 

Even if it takes another lifetime. 

il primo passo

3/5/2011 @ 06:00

Saturday morning I woke up for work and decided to take a test.  As you may know it's best to take a test with the first urine of the day becos it's more concentrated.  So I laid it out while I showered.  I figured this would give it enough time and I would be focused on getting clean instead of pacing the floor waiting for a result.  Faint Positive! And no, it doesn't mean you're a little bit pregnant, but in a way it kinda does. ;)

You would think my initial reaction would be to jump for joy, but it wasn't.  My first emotion was anxiety.  I want so bad to be happy, but I'm scared I'll miscarry again.  I'm scared that if that does happen that I won't be able to handle it.  I mean obviously I will overcome whatever happens, but I don't know how long it would take to get over another broken heart.

I guess I already knew that I was pregnant.  I have been falling asleep more.  I started feeling nauseous that Wednesday evening then again Thursday evening.  That was the true test becos at 219 West I smelled the calamari appetizer when no one else did.  I think I asked Yunuen, "Do you smell that?" and instantly her and Smalls shrieked "Tranny!"  It wasn't disgusting, but I definitely smelled the fishiness.  And as much as I wanted to delve into that platter of fried calamari-O's, I stopped myself becos I'm not sure if that's one that has too much mercury.

All weekend long I teetered between excitement and anxiety until Monday when I phoned Dr. K.  I called and reported my positive test and said, "I know this sounds like a silly question, but What do I do now?"  The receptionist giggled and assured me that it wasn't a silly question.  She explained that I would have HCG Quants drawn today and again on Wednesday.  If the levels are increasing then we will proceed with an ultrasound in 2 weeks.  

*********

The last time I prayed was on "Snow Day 2011" for courage to navigate the frozen roads to work.  Lucky for me, I was one of only 3 dumbasses on the road.  So prayer answered; I made it in one piece at 20mph which apparently is speeding when driving on ice.  Prior to that was the night before my birthday.  I asked God to give me strength to accept whatever result I got from the test.  And when it came out faint positive I was grateful.  I then had to ask for strength and patience to get through the heartache.  

I really want this.  I just hope that this is really it.

magari

17.1 mm!!!

            Then I got an injection in the stomach.

                              Fingers crossed.

My doctor was so excited about the follicles that his enthusiasm really rubbed off on me.  I'm rather fortunate to have a doctor who realizes that positivity begets positivity.  I guess in his line of work it wouldn't help to be stern and discouraging.  

troppo presto

Not just yet. :(

The doctor said that they prefer to use Ovidrel once the follicle is measuring 17mm.  My largest one today only measured 14.8mm.  He asked me to return tomorrow and now I'm really hoping I hit 17mm.

Once I left the office I was alright.  Although lately I've been paying more attention to songs and my music just got to me.  I cried in the car.  Maybe it was outta shear frustration, but it made me sad.

It's okay, I'll get through this.  I just have to wait till tomorrow.

un ricordo

I'm feeling a little nostalgic today.  There are so many emotions present that make me look back and wonder "what if?" I ask myself, "Why are you beating yourself up?" I don't have an answer and I don't pretend to, but one day I would like to find one. 

Tomorrow is cycle day 13 and I'll be having an ultrasound to look at my ovaries.  My doctor will be able to tell if the follicles are ready to let loose and if not, then hormones, Hormones, HORMONES!  You guessed it, I'll be pumped full of hormones to cause the egg to release.  Is this what it feels like to be a chicken?  Don't poultry get juiced up with hormones to make'em taste extra yummy?

I hope this works.

I opened up The Qur'an earlier this evening.  I was compelled to pick it up for guidance and the marker fell on Súra Luqmán (Ch 31) 34th ayat:

Verily the knowledge of the Hour is with God (alone). It is He Who sends down rain, and He Who knows what is in the wombs. Nor does any one know what it is that he will earn on the morrow: Nor does any one know in what land he is to die. Verily with God is full knowledge and He is acquainted (with all things).

It kinda helped me to realize that I should let go.  There are some things that are out of my control and I need to find peace to accept that.  This is something that I will work towards.