Wednesday Maund said, "ok, let's talk." I said okay. After all was said and done he said he just wanted to know what was going on with me and that he wasn't prepared for this. He said he wasn't expecting me to say I wanted a divorce. He figured that I was unhappy, but that was the last thing on his mind. He said that he wasn't gonna force me and that if I wanted to leave, he wasn't gonna stand in my way. He cried and was really sad and yet we slept in the same bed that night.
Thursday he was still at the house when I woke up which was unusual, but he had been hanging out downstairs. He called in sick and was so sad, so mopey, that it made me cry. When I got in the car I looked for Oct <3 and Sondre Lerche really lifted my spirits. In the first 10 bars it got me excited about you and about the future. Work was tough and all I wanted to do was call you becos I knew you were worried.
Well, the day came and went and I was okay for the most part. The drive home was good, too, and my mood was good until I pulled up to the light before my street. I got sad suddenly and was still sad pulling into the driveway. When I opened the door all the windows were closed, the curtains drawn, it was dark. Maund was still in the same place I had left him that morning. I walked over and checked on him and said 'hey.' I had to run upstairs not only to change out of my work clothes, but mostly becos I couldn't contain how sad I was to have caused him such sadness. I just started bawling and cried into a heap of clothes to muffle my sobs. I walked back downstairs and opened all the windows, the curtains, the patio screen, and then stepped outside to play with the dogs. Maund finally emerged out from under the blanket/pillow cave he burrowed himself into and I apologized for making him feel so sad. He said he had been thinking all day and decided that he wasn't gonna give up without a fight. I told him it wasn't necessary. He said he wanted to see me happy and after more discussion the mood felt a little lighter.
Yuni called to see if she could stop by and bring Keegster's GRE books. She ended up staying for 3 hours and we all just sat in the the living room talking and laughing and just chatting about other stuff. Things felt normal for just a moment and didn't realize how tired I felt until she left and just thought it would be better to go to bed. I was exhausted from the day's events. We still slept in the same bed and he asked me why I used a spray on my pillow. It was the Sleep spray from Bath & Bodyworks which has really helped me relax recently. Probably moreso now since I gave you the same stuff. It calms my brain.
Today Maund took the day off becos his folks were driving in from Harlingen. My phone was on silent after you called so I didn't see his text asking if I wanted to have lunch. My eye was getting worse so I made an appointment with the eye doctor and at 1430 I called to let him know i was going to an appointment later. I was shocked when he said he was parked outside of my office and he had something for me. He had ordered a flower arrangement...really beautiful stuff...but it was huge and didn't want me to lug it around work and then back home. I went outside and told him they were nice and not at all necessary, and that he could take them back to the house and put them on the dining table. I could tell he felt a little embarrassed, probably since i didn't give him the reaction he was anticipating. In my mind I figured it was too late. Why not shower me with flowers on a regular basis or a couple of years back? Plus, I'm sure flowers are expensive when they're that beautiful. I was worried he spent too much and also, I don't think he's ever cared to know what kind of flowers I fancy. The sad thing is that I would have been content if he had picked a flower while walking the dogs and brought it home. I would have been fine with a leaf off a tree...then, not now.
The girls at work who don't really know me were swooning over the fact that I got flowers, but Boo eyed me and looked sad. She knows me even though we haven't known each other too long. When I told the girls that Maund was outside, Keegster went into protective bulldog mode and with her piercing blue eyes staring back at me asked, "Are you okay? What do you need?" I didn't need anything, I was okay. I stepped outside to thank him for the flowers, gave him a hug, and sent him home.
Turns out my eye is okay. Maund went over to his sister's house with his folks. I'm just relaxing and I feel perfectly fine! the windows are open, blinds are up, curtains are open flapping in the wind. I'm good, but his sadness overwhelms me becos I care a lot about his feelings.
These are things that I don't want to forget. Events that I know I survived and made me just a tiny bit stronger. These are things that I want to share with you.
