Grazie, bitches!

I swear the United flight attendant said, "I wanna thank you bitches for flying with us today."

 

giunchiglie

JayKay had brought daffodils to the office last week to spread a little cheer. She filled a cute glass jar with these yellow beauties and set them on my desk. It was nice to see her feeling better and making every attempt to be healthier. She had been having some health problems lately and today she shared with me that she finally had a name for part of her ailments. 

Today I sat at my desk translating the forms I had just finished last week. It had taken me a good couple of weeks to create them and really, I don't mind it, but today I felt so sleepy. If anything, I bet this weekend is finally catching up with me. And I'm sure it doesn't help that the only natural light I have coming into my office is from the patio door which faces a tree covered courtyard. It's hot, too. The server farm is located in my space, or I should say that my desk is located in the room with the server farm which emits a ghastly amount of heat. That would be a more accurate depiction of the sauna which I call my office, in the heart of Texas, nearing the end of 1st Summer otherwise known as Spring in other parts of the country. o.O

She had left around 11:00 to meet with the boss's wife and reappeared later in the day in a good mood. It's rare to see JayKay in a good mood after these meetings. As soon as she opened her mouth to tell me about their discussion, she burst into tears and hid her face in her hands. I was caught off guard and waited for her to calm down a bit before asking her what was wrong. It turns out that she wasn't sad at all. They were tears of happiness and what she had to say made me seriously think about certain things.

JayKay and Jon recently got engaged during a vacation to Mexico. From what I know, these two have been on & off again for over a decade. It seems like they've been through it all. For being such an attractive couple, one would wonder why their union hadn't happened sooner. JayKay claimed that Jon was immature while Jon claimed that JayKay was bat shit crazy. Who's right? Well, JayKay had an appointment scheduled with an endocrinologist last week and Jon just so happened to have that particular day off. She had asked him to join her for the appointment and figured that they could get their marriage license and cross that off their To Do list for the wedding. Before leaving the county clerk's office the clerk asked them about the wedding date. They mentioned that they hadn't really thought about a date, but were looking at October 2012. Unbeknownst to them, in Texas, a marriage license is only good for 30 days and cannot be used within the first 72 hours of being issued. The clerk apologized for the mistake and offered to give them a refund.  They looked at each other befuddled and in that moment they decided to keep the license. After leaving the clerk's office, Jon asked JayKay if she wanted to get something to eat and they simultaneously chose BurgerTex. Apparently, this had been their eatery all throughout college and just so happened to be across Airport Blvd. from the county clerk's office. After eating, JayKay went to her doctor's appointment and was told that she had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and that if she was thinking about having children, she didn't have the liberty to wait due to her age. She mentioned that was a little tough to hear, but that she was worried about being healthy enough to even contemplate conceiving. She had long ago decided that she didn't want children, but now she admitted that they were definitely in her future, just not this soon. 

Back to today, there she stood talking about how overwhelmed she felt; overwhelmed with happiness. She said it all felt right. From the non-existent wait at a government office, deciding on a wedding date on the fly, BurgerTex across the street, the need to have children within this next year. She was overwhelmed becos she knows that her life will be changing drastically, and soon, but these are all good changes. While she was expressing her happiness and sharing so much and asking questions about my personal life I didn't have the heart to tell her about my decision to get divorced. In fact, I was too overwhelmed with the idea that I hadn't had those moments she was experiencing. 

I was planning to leave Maund before he proposed. Back then I felt ready to get married and waited with each holiday or big event for a proposal. When those events came and went, I was always left disappointed that no proposal had taken place. I told myself that if he did not propose by the end of our lease, that was it. Lo and behold, he proposed 2 months before the lease was up and we took a little over a year to plan for the wedding. I've told our engagement story time and time again, exaggerating here, embellishing there, but it wasn't what I had envisioned. I don't think guys understand that popping the question should be something special. Come to think of it, I didn't even get a question. I saw the ring, which his sister picked out, and got a "So?" I forced my emotions and I remember that feeling. The idea behind Maund's proposal was cute and original, but it's the details that kill me. I've always had these thoughts in the back of my head, but thought it was better not to voice them. Why couldn't I just be grateful and appreciative of his proposal? Becos the details are still nagging at me, just like certain details about the wedding decor. I don't know why these things bother me? Why did he call my Pop to ask for my hand instead of asking him in person? I guess I should be thankful that he even asked, or maybe I'm wrong about that and he only told my folks that he wanted to ask me to get married. Why did he ask his sister to help pick out a ring when I'm not close to her at all? Why not ask Nani or Adrianna, someone who knows my likes/dislikes. Hell, I would have taken Rob's opinion over Angie's! The ring was alright, but there was no real thought put into it. It was an oval shaped cubic zirconia...oval. Oval! At that time I was all about the emerald cut. I would have loved an emerald/radiant/princess/round/asscher cut. I don't need diamonds, why not choose one of my favorite stones? Why not choose something from my favorite color palette? Or maybe a ring I had taken a liking to in passing. I didn't need a $10K ring, I didn't even need a $100 ring, I just wanted...I don't know what I wanted. I guess I wanted too much.

What I realized during that moment with JayKay was that I shouldn't have to embellish a story. I should have appreciated the experience instead of picking it apart. And maybe the reason I was overanalyzing    the proposal was becos I wasn't ready, becos it wasn't right, becos I didn't have those "feelings" that so many women gush over when sharing their engagement stories. Those were my signs and I chose to ignore them. And while part of me is sad to think I may have made a mistake in getting married, would a different string of events have led me to find you? 

guaio

inverno, primavera, estate o autunno

This morning I picked up my phone to say "Good Morning!" and I had to put it down.  "You're an idiot," I told myself.
This is how my day started.
I jumped in the car and this was the first song playing on my iPod...

"Ain't it good to know? Ain't it good to know?"

The next song was Paul McCartney's "(I Want To) Come Home" and then my stupid iPod played Roy Orbison's "Crying." How could it possibly know the mood I was in?

I remember this was the first song I shared with you in our exchange. It was for you, becos you are dear to me. I also remember the joy I felt when I walked into my fav store and saw the music box that plays a snippet of it.  It was for you.  And when I walked in to find it on your desk I knew it had always been for you.

I also like this song and it means so much more now.  I think this video is beautiful.

"I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought that I'd see you again."

I don't belive it. I won't quit. I won't give up on you, on us.

In advance, I'd like to say, "Goodnight" and "Good Morning, <3"

un giorno da dimenticare

So this is what it feels like to lose someone you love.
Wow.
Today, it feels like my world slipped away.
I know I shouldn't care or wonder where and how you are.
But I can't hide the hurt inside my broken heart.
But I know I'm not supposed to love you anymore.

"I'll find so many things to do that I won't have the time to think of her.
And then if she's still on my mind I'll try to drink enough to drown the hurt.
And if that don't work...

I'll think of something."

You know the funny thing is I still can't bring myself to bite my nails!  That's stupid, right? And all this because you made that remark.

I can't give you what you want right now.

I don't know why I thought I could?

I tried to plan things out, when what I should have done was jumped.  

A leap of faith.

It's true, though, you're better off without me. 

You can focus on school. Fall in love. Work in something you love! Have babies. 

You deserve that more than anyone else I know.

Today you said "there's no one day."  I read that as we were closing up the office in Killeen and my heart dropped.  Yet another reason to add to the "Killeen cons" list.  Nothing good ever comes out of Killeen.

But I don't believe it.  

"I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. 

I will see her every now and then, and... 

Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody, 

and it's gonna take a long time... 

And then it's perfect. 

I'm in no rush."

The love that I have for you isn't something that will fade.  If anything, it's allowed me to see the changes I need to make. To be happier with myself. To be happier with life, eventhough it feels impossible right now. 

I feel sad, lost, angry. At one point I was trying to rationalize things and thought, "He doesn't mean it.  It's like pushing someone away when you don't want to. Tough Love." But as I sit here writing, my heart is aching becos I know that's not the truth, is it?

One day, I hope to see you.  

I hope to see you smiling back at me.  

I hope to look into your kind eyes and see my good friend. 

But until then, I'll wait. 

Even if it takes another lifetime. 

salvami

Today was supposed to be a great day.  How did it end up like this?  It started out mediocre.  I thought about waking you up, but I stopped myself.  I got ready for work and made breakfast.  I heard my texting ringer and I rushed to see if it was you, but it wasn't. 

At work I enjoyed the silence of my office for a minute and then JayKay walked in.  I had delusions of getting a mountain of tasks done, but I wasn't able to focus.  I couldn't concentrate on any single task.  It took me all day to read over 6 policies; something I could have normally completed in an hour or two.  I was even inclined to ask if I could leave early. I didn't feel well at all and I remembered that JayKay and I recently decided we would ask staff to leave their personal lives at home.  I need to lead by example.  How can I expect others to take me seriously if I'm having trouble following these same rules?

Today my mind was "...gone, but I don't know where."  No joke.  It wasn't until after lunch that I realized yesterday I had designated a large task to myself to complete today.  No pussyfootin' around, I called Dr. K's office and asked what the next step would be?  I had some blood work done in May and was told that my pregnancy hormone levels had reached zero again.  That was exciting news to me at that time, until Dr. K instructed me to call back in a month for the next step.  I was so upset, but a month has gone by and I'm more than ready.  This is what I want.

After speaking with Dr. K's office it was decided that I will begin a Provera regimen.  That's a pill a day for 10 days.  I should start my period within 10-14 days and then call in for Clomid, I assume, that part wasn't discussed.

Besides not being able to focus, I received a letter from the state declining to pay an invoice I had sent regarding medical records.  I was just going off of direction from my higher-ups and I laughed becos I should have known better, but ah, these things happen.  I took me a good 20 minutes to fill out the affidavit they requested with the records.  It wasn't difficult to read, I just couldn't focus.  

On the way home I blocked out the majority of the drive.  How did I get home in one piece?  I needed to stop by the pharmacy to pick up my medication, but it looked way too crowded and I went home instead. Dinner consisted of chili dogs: kosher dogs, grated cheddar, plush bun...nice, right? During my last visit to HEB I decided to try out a different chili.  Today was not the day to try new things.  Today was a day for comfort foods.  If you couldn't guess, the chili was a no go.  Another disappointment.

After dinner I left to pick up my meds and it turns out that half of the parking lot is under construction.  No worries, I don't mind parking a little further, I need the exercise.  Once I got to the pharmacy I was surprised to see that there was practically no line.  Normally there's a 30 minute wait just to talk tosomeone around this time! Not today.  The lady before me was in a motorized cart and took up both counters.  I was waiting patiently for her to move out of the way and 2 other people lined up behind me. Outta nowhere, this Spanish speaker approaches the counter and another pharmacy tech tends to her.  Turns out that she needs to pick up a prescription, too, but instead of having her wait in line like the rest of us, she goes before me.  Guess what, I speak Spanish, too! Maybe I wasn't in the mood to wait! Maybe I just want to get the hell out of there and continue this shitty day! The pharmacist tends to me and I end up speaking with the girl who skipped me.  She gives me this attitude.  Hey, I could have raised hell, but I waited.  I didn't complain out loud, but in my head I was yelling. She asks me to confirm my prescription and was getting ready to check me out, but I have a new insurance which she never bothered to confirm.  When I mention this she rolls her eyes and tells me it will take 5 minutes.  As I step aside to wait I can feel the tears coming on.  Was this the straw that broke the camel's back?  My eyes welled with tears and the customer behind me noticed and gave me a look of "aww, I understand" or "aww, it's okay" and I smiled slightly, averted my eyes and tried to think of happy things.  By now the pharm tech was ready, I paid and left. 

I almost lost it at HEB, but instead I came home, changed into my pjs, curled up in bed and let a little stress go.  I don't have anyone to share this with.  That's a lie. I choose not to share this stuff.  That's why I have the entire worldwide web, an abyss of cyberspace where my thoughts can get lost. I choose not to share with people I know becos if you could really see inside my mind you'd wonder why I haven't been committed yet.  

My theme music for today 

perso

February 10, 2007 entry taken from my previous blog

How is this possible?

While driving around different neighborhoods, I came across this strange sign. From a distance I could only read LOST: Great Dane. I'm super near-sighted, so of course I had the sudden urge to move in closer. I was completely baffled how anyone could lose a great dane. I mean these animals are HUgE, majestic, demand aTteNtiOn, and let's face it, they're a little intimidating. (atleast to me they are; I'm only 5'1")

So as I get closer to the sign, I can make out more of what it says: "TWO Black Male".

Were my eyes deceiving me? Was I dreaming? Was there really an individual in this world that could lose not 1, but 2 black Great DANES???

Now I'm not claiming to be the smartest person in the world...but come on. I'm just hoping this person doesn't have kids!!!