la conversazione

Wednesday Maund said, "ok, let's talk." I said okay. After all was said and done he said he just wanted to know what was going on with me and that he wasn't prepared for this. He said he wasn't expecting me to say I wanted a divorce. He figured that I was unhappy, but that was the last thing on his mind. He said that he wasn't gonna force me and that if I wanted to leave, he wasn't gonna stand in my way. He cried and was really sad and yet we slept in the same bed that night.

Thursday he was still at the house when I woke up which was unusual, but he had been hanging out downstairs. He called in sick and was so sad, so mopey, that it made me cry. When I got in the car I looked for Oct <3 and Sondre Lerche really lifted my spirits. In the first 10 bars it got me excited about you and about the future. Work was tough and all I wanted to do was call you becos I knew you were worried. 

Well, the day came and went and I was okay for the most part. The drive home was good, too, and  my mood was good until I pulled up to the light before my street. I got sad suddenly and was still sad pulling into the driveway. When I opened the door all the windows were closed, the curtains drawn, it was dark. Maund was still in the same place I had left him that morning. I walked over and checked on him and said 'hey.' I had to run upstairs not only to change out of my work clothes, but mostly becos I couldn't contain how sad I was to have caused him such sadness. I just started bawling and cried into a heap of clothes to muffle my sobs. I walked back downstairs and opened all the windows, the curtains, the patio screen, and then stepped outside to play with the dogs. Maund finally emerged out from under the blanket/pillow cave he burrowed himself into and I apologized for making him feel so sad. He said he had been thinking all day and decided that he wasn't gonna give up without a fight. I told him it wasn't necessary. He said he wanted to see me happy and after more discussion the mood felt a little lighter. 

Yuni called to see if she could stop by and bring Keegster's GRE books. She ended up staying for 3 hours and we all just sat in the the living room talking and laughing and just chatting about other stuff. Things felt normal for just a moment and didn't realize how tired I felt until she left and just thought it would be better to go to bed. I was exhausted from the day's events. We still slept in the same bed and he asked me why I used a spray on my pillow. It was the Sleep spray from Bath & Bodyworks which has really helped me relax recently. Probably moreso now since I gave you the same stuff. It calms my brain.

Today Maund took the day off becos his folks were driving in from Harlingen. My phone was on silent after you called so I didn't see his text asking if I wanted to have lunch. My eye was getting worse so I made an appointment with the eye doctor and at 1430 I called to let him know i was going to an appointment later. I was shocked when he said he was parked outside of my office and he had something for me. He had ordered a flower arrangement...really beautiful stuff...but it was huge and didn't want me to lug it around work and then back home. I went outside and told him they were nice and not at all necessary, and that he could take them back to the house and put them on the dining table. I could tell he felt a little embarrassed, probably since i didn't give him the reaction he was anticipating. In my mind I figured it was too late. Why not shower me with flowers on a regular basis or a couple of years back? Plus, I'm sure flowers are expensive when they're that beautiful. I was worried he spent too much and also, I don't think he's ever cared to know what kind of flowers I fancy. The sad thing is that I would have been content if he had picked a flower while walking the dogs and brought it home. I would have been fine with a leaf off a tree...then, not now. 

The girls at work who don't really know me were swooning over the fact that I got flowers, but Boo eyed me and looked sad. She knows me even though we haven't known each other too long. When I told the girls that Maund was outside, Keegster went into protective bulldog mode and with her piercing blue eyes staring back at me asked, "Are you okay? What do you need?" I didn't need anything, I was okay. I stepped outside to thank him for the flowers, gave him a hug, and sent him home. 

Turns out my eye is okay. Maund went over to his sister's house with his folks. I'm just relaxing and I feel perfectly fine! the windows are open, blinds are up, curtains are open flapping in the wind. I'm good, but his sadness overwhelms me becos I care a lot about his feelings. 

These are things that I don't want to forget. Events that I know I survived and made me just a tiny bit stronger. These are things that I want to share with you. 

correndo

Last night, I went mobile becos I was going to bed. I apologize for running away. You made me think about the unpleasant traits of my personality, my character, my recent actions when that was the last thing I wanted to do before bed. Especially, after we spent the day drooling over that beautiful mixer and making cucumber waters. I didn't want to go to bed upset becos it would just keep me up. That's why I ran away. 

I ended up tossing and turning either way. What you wrote about cheating and crossing that line, I had already done that 5 years ago when I held your hand. I can admit that to myself now. And I guess I worry about reaching for your hand and it not being there one day. What if you don't agree with this approach I've taken and you'll decide to leave? What if one day you think I hesitated and decide that you're not happy? Last night, I was having trouble resting and I turned to him and said, "I'm not happy in this marriage. I want to fulfill my dreams and goals but I don't see you with me. You are a good man and you deserve to be the most important person in somebody's life." He continued snoring and I felt like I was one step closer. 

I think a marathon is a good metaphor. I'm at the home stretch which I hear is the toughest part of the race. I refuse to give up.

esasperante II

Around 18:00 I found a drop of blood and freaked out.  I called my doctor and we discussed what/what not to do.  The bleeding has stopped, but now I feel sick.

Really? Really? I thought this was it. What could I have done differently? 

I lied in bed and felt nothing. Maund tried to comfort me, but I still felt nothing.  He knew I had been craving lemon pepper wings from Plucker's and offered to grab some for dinner. I agreed and decided to sit up in bed, but the minute I did so I began to sob.  Once I was feeling a little better he took off to get me some dinner.

I kinda feel defeated eventhough I don't know what's going on.  I can't give up just yet.  Nothing's been confirmed.  But still I can't help shake the memory of having breakthrough bleeding and then miscarrying a week and half later.  And you know what's not fair, getting to listen to my baby's heartbeat and not hearing it the next week.

Was it stress? Was it working in the path lab for 6 hours straight without taking a break? Was it from hanging out with my cat too much? Was it the humidifier? Was it allergies? What was it?!?! What am I gonna do if this happens again? 

Dr. K said to call him on Sunday for an update and possibly go in on Monday morning for an ultrasound. All I can do is wait, huh?

I really miss you.

un giorno da dimenticare

So this is what it feels like to lose someone you love.
Wow.
Today, it feels like my world slipped away.
I know I shouldn't care or wonder where and how you are.
But I can't hide the hurt inside my broken heart.
But I know I'm not supposed to love you anymore.

"I'll find so many things to do that I won't have the time to think of her.
And then if she's still on my mind I'll try to drink enough to drown the hurt.
And if that don't work...

I'll think of something."

You know the funny thing is I still can't bring myself to bite my nails!  That's stupid, right? And all this because you made that remark.

I can't give you what you want right now.

I don't know why I thought I could?

I tried to plan things out, when what I should have done was jumped.  

A leap of faith.

It's true, though, you're better off without me. 

You can focus on school. Fall in love. Work in something you love! Have babies. 

You deserve that more than anyone else I know.

Today you said "there's no one day."  I read that as we were closing up the office in Killeen and my heart dropped.  Yet another reason to add to the "Killeen cons" list.  Nothing good ever comes out of Killeen.

But I don't believe it.  

"I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. 

I will see her every now and then, and... 

Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody, 

and it's gonna take a long time... 

And then it's perfect. 

I'm in no rush."

The love that I have for you isn't something that will fade.  If anything, it's allowed me to see the changes I need to make. To be happier with myself. To be happier with life, eventhough it feels impossible right now. 

I feel sad, lost, angry. At one point I was trying to rationalize things and thought, "He doesn't mean it.  It's like pushing someone away when you don't want to. Tough Love." But as I sit here writing, my heart is aching becos I know that's not the truth, is it?

One day, I hope to see you.  

I hope to see you smiling back at me.  

I hope to look into your kind eyes and see my good friend. 

But until then, I'll wait. 

Even if it takes another lifetime. 

stimolando l’ovulazione

Down the hatch!  Just took my first dose of Clomid.  It's effin' cold here and I figured that downing the medication might cause hot flashes and warm me up.  But I've seen women at my office who suffer from hot flashes, so maybe it might not be as pleasant as I'm thinking it will be.

Today is cycle day 5.  I'm to take this medication each day for 5 days and from what I've read on other websites, it's best to take before bed.  Most women talk about the unpleasant side effects that might be alleviated by taking the meds at night.  Also, one of the nurses at work suggested to drink lots of water.

I just remembered I promised my sister I would call her after work.  It's nice to have family to share this with.  It was a tough decision to decide to share this with my sister simply becos I didn't want to worry her. I still haven't decided if I should tell mum.  We'll cross that bridge when we get there.