giunchiglie

JayKay had brought daffodils to the office last week to spread a little cheer. She filled a cute glass jar with these yellow beauties and set them on my desk. It was nice to see her feeling better and making every attempt to be healthier. She had been having some health problems lately and today she shared with me that she finally had a name for part of her ailments. 

Today I sat at my desk translating the forms I had just finished last week. It had taken me a good couple of weeks to create them and really, I don't mind it, but today I felt so sleepy. If anything, I bet this weekend is finally catching up with me. And I'm sure it doesn't help that the only natural light I have coming into my office is from the patio door which faces a tree covered courtyard. It's hot, too. The server farm is located in my space, or I should say that my desk is located in the room with the server farm which emits a ghastly amount of heat. That would be a more accurate depiction of the sauna which I call my office, in the heart of Texas, nearing the end of 1st Summer otherwise known as Spring in other parts of the country. o.O

She had left around 11:00 to meet with the boss's wife and reappeared later in the day in a good mood. It's rare to see JayKay in a good mood after these meetings. As soon as she opened her mouth to tell me about their discussion, she burst into tears and hid her face in her hands. I was caught off guard and waited for her to calm down a bit before asking her what was wrong. It turns out that she wasn't sad at all. They were tears of happiness and what she had to say made me seriously think about certain things.

JayKay and Jon recently got engaged during a vacation to Mexico. From what I know, these two have been on & off again for over a decade. It seems like they've been through it all. For being such an attractive couple, one would wonder why their union hadn't happened sooner. JayKay claimed that Jon was immature while Jon claimed that JayKay was bat shit crazy. Who's right? Well, JayKay had an appointment scheduled with an endocrinologist last week and Jon just so happened to have that particular day off. She had asked him to join her for the appointment and figured that they could get their marriage license and cross that off their To Do list for the wedding. Before leaving the county clerk's office the clerk asked them about the wedding date. They mentioned that they hadn't really thought about a date, but were looking at October 2012. Unbeknownst to them, in Texas, a marriage license is only good for 30 days and cannot be used within the first 72 hours of being issued. The clerk apologized for the mistake and offered to give them a refund.  They looked at each other befuddled and in that moment they decided to keep the license. After leaving the clerk's office, Jon asked JayKay if she wanted to get something to eat and they simultaneously chose BurgerTex. Apparently, this had been their eatery all throughout college and just so happened to be across Airport Blvd. from the county clerk's office. After eating, JayKay went to her doctor's appointment and was told that she had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and that if she was thinking about having children, she didn't have the liberty to wait due to her age. She mentioned that was a little tough to hear, but that she was worried about being healthy enough to even contemplate conceiving. She had long ago decided that she didn't want children, but now she admitted that they were definitely in her future, just not this soon. 

Back to today, there she stood talking about how overwhelmed she felt; overwhelmed with happiness. She said it all felt right. From the non-existent wait at a government office, deciding on a wedding date on the fly, BurgerTex across the street, the need to have children within this next year. She was overwhelmed becos she knows that her life will be changing drastically, and soon, but these are all good changes. While she was expressing her happiness and sharing so much and asking questions about my personal life I didn't have the heart to tell her about my decision to get divorced. In fact, I was too overwhelmed with the idea that I hadn't had those moments she was experiencing. 

I was planning to leave Maund before he proposed. Back then I felt ready to get married and waited with each holiday or big event for a proposal. When those events came and went, I was always left disappointed that no proposal had taken place. I told myself that if he did not propose by the end of our lease, that was it. Lo and behold, he proposed 2 months before the lease was up and we took a little over a year to plan for the wedding. I've told our engagement story time and time again, exaggerating here, embellishing there, but it wasn't what I had envisioned. I don't think guys understand that popping the question should be something special. Come to think of it, I didn't even get a question. I saw the ring, which his sister picked out, and got a "So?" I forced my emotions and I remember that feeling. The idea behind Maund's proposal was cute and original, but it's the details that kill me. I've always had these thoughts in the back of my head, but thought it was better not to voice them. Why couldn't I just be grateful and appreciative of his proposal? Becos the details are still nagging at me, just like certain details about the wedding decor. I don't know why these things bother me? Why did he call my Pop to ask for my hand instead of asking him in person? I guess I should be thankful that he even asked, or maybe I'm wrong about that and he only told my folks that he wanted to ask me to get married. Why did he ask his sister to help pick out a ring when I'm not close to her at all? Why not ask Nani or Adrianna, someone who knows my likes/dislikes. Hell, I would have taken Rob's opinion over Angie's! The ring was alright, but there was no real thought put into it. It was an oval shaped cubic zirconia...oval. Oval! At that time I was all about the emerald cut. I would have loved an emerald/radiant/princess/round/asscher cut. I don't need diamonds, why not choose one of my favorite stones? Why not choose something from my favorite color palette? Or maybe a ring I had taken a liking to in passing. I didn't need a $10K ring, I didn't even need a $100 ring, I just wanted...I don't know what I wanted. I guess I wanted too much.

What I realized during that moment with JayKay was that I shouldn't have to embellish a story. I should have appreciated the experience instead of picking it apart. And maybe the reason I was overanalyzing    the proposal was becos I wasn't ready, becos it wasn't right, becos I didn't have those "feelings" that so many women gush over when sharing their engagement stories. Those were my signs and I chose to ignore them. And while part of me is sad to think I may have made a mistake in getting married, would a different string of events have led me to find you? 

due mesi

8 weeks. Eight weeks was all I got.
 And I really thought this was it, ya know?

I was trying not to get excited, but even at last week's ultrasound I was happy to see the heartbeat. And even though it was slow I was hoping things would pick up.

Dr. K asked me if I wanted to look at the monitor while he looked and I said no. But I peeked and could see that he was trying too hard to find the little pulse that was so easy to find last week.

I've been trying to keep my mind off things, but I find myself getting sad if left alone too long with my thoughts.

I'm taking a break after this. I need to focus on me for a little bit. If I were happier with myself would I have better luck?

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esasperante II

Around 18:00 I found a drop of blood and freaked out.  I called my doctor and we discussed what/what not to do.  The bleeding has stopped, but now I feel sick.

Really? Really? I thought this was it. What could I have done differently? 

I lied in bed and felt nothing. Maund tried to comfort me, but I still felt nothing.  He knew I had been craving lemon pepper wings from Plucker's and offered to grab some for dinner. I agreed and decided to sit up in bed, but the minute I did so I began to sob.  Once I was feeling a little better he took off to get me some dinner.

I kinda feel defeated eventhough I don't know what's going on.  I can't give up just yet.  Nothing's been confirmed.  But still I can't help shake the memory of having breakthrough bleeding and then miscarrying a week and half later.  And you know what's not fair, getting to listen to my baby's heartbeat and not hearing it the next week.

Was it stress? Was it working in the path lab for 6 hours straight without taking a break? Was it from hanging out with my cat too much? Was it the humidifier? Was it allergies? What was it?!?! What am I gonna do if this happens again? 

Dr. K said to call him on Sunday for an update and possibly go in on Monday morning for an ultrasound. All I can do is wait, huh?

I really miss you.

un giorno da dimenticare

So this is what it feels like to lose someone you love.
Wow.
Today, it feels like my world slipped away.
I know I shouldn't care or wonder where and how you are.
But I can't hide the hurt inside my broken heart.
But I know I'm not supposed to love you anymore.

"I'll find so many things to do that I won't have the time to think of her.
And then if she's still on my mind I'll try to drink enough to drown the hurt.
And if that don't work...

I'll think of something."

You know the funny thing is I still can't bring myself to bite my nails!  That's stupid, right? And all this because you made that remark.

I can't give you what you want right now.

I don't know why I thought I could?

I tried to plan things out, when what I should have done was jumped.  

A leap of faith.

It's true, though, you're better off without me. 

You can focus on school. Fall in love. Work in something you love! Have babies. 

You deserve that more than anyone else I know.

Today you said "there's no one day."  I read that as we were closing up the office in Killeen and my heart dropped.  Yet another reason to add to the "Killeen cons" list.  Nothing good ever comes out of Killeen.

But I don't believe it.  

"I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. 

I will see her every now and then, and... 

Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody, 

and it's gonna take a long time... 

And then it's perfect. 

I'm in no rush."

The love that I have for you isn't something that will fade.  If anything, it's allowed me to see the changes I need to make. To be happier with myself. To be happier with life, eventhough it feels impossible right now. 

I feel sad, lost, angry. At one point I was trying to rationalize things and thought, "He doesn't mean it.  It's like pushing someone away when you don't want to. Tough Love." But as I sit here writing, my heart is aching becos I know that's not the truth, is it?

One day, I hope to see you.  

I hope to see you smiling back at me.  

I hope to look into your kind eyes and see my good friend. 

But until then, I'll wait. 

Even if it takes another lifetime. 

infastidita

*jaw tight, through my teeth* 

When my kid is throwing up, I don't want you to sit on the couch and watch her.  You need to go to her and let her know you're there for her.  When her tummy gets upset, her stomach or diaphragm starts to heave and her whole body starts to make the same motion.  It takes some coaxing to get her off the carpet and to the kitchen, but this morning she went there on her own.  She's such a good girl. 

All I remember hearing was, "Oh, Bear!" and you stayed on the couch.  I ran from my study and got her better situated in the kitchen.  I rubbed her back, waited patiently for her to puke and then studied it to make sure it's wasn't anything serious.  Meanwhile, you're still on the couch.

Once it's all over, I had to fend off the other 2 becos they're so curious about this putrid substance. Finally, you come over after pausing your show, get a bowl of water and napkins for the mess.

***

Maybe it's a mom thing.  I remember getting bloody noses and my mom taking care of me.  I remember having an upset tummy, and my mom rubbing my back and getting me water.  Just sitting next to me by the toilet. When I see this happen to my furkids, I feel like crying becos I can't do anything to stop it.  Yes, I'm grossed out by it all, but I suck it up for these kids.

As an adult, I've rarely  had an occasion where I got completely shit-faced and wound up puking my guts out.  Two.  TWO times and I'm a lousy up-chucker. For some odd reason I find myself yelling as I'm up-chucking.  Not on purpose, but my vocal chords are somewhat vocal when I vomit.  Now, my bouts with food poisoning...well that's a different story.

When I'm throwing up, please, please, please, just be there.  I'm a crier.  Rub my back.  Get me water.  Hold my hair. Human touch is comforting.  Don't stand outside the door.  Don't ask if I'm okay.  If I was okay I wouldn't be ear-deep in a toilet bowl. Don't continue sleeping.  Just be there.

delusione

As I was getting ready for work this morning I went to the fridge to pick out my lunch.  I went to grab a Gatorade and BAM!...

                8 Gatorade bottles staring me in the face with an expiration date of November 12, 2011...

the baby's due date.

                                                                  My eyes swelled with tears.  (;_;)   
                            I got frustrated. (>_<)
                                                                 But it all comes back to disappointment. (,_,)

It's silly, I know.  I can't help it.

esasperante

Mon, March 7, I had my blood drawn and was told later that day that the test was positive.  I knew this already but figured I would get the levels when the second set came in.  I went in on March 9 for the second draw and was told later that on Mon the level had been ~300 and today's level was ~700.  I was uber excited.  To have the numbers double like they're supposed to put me at ease.  The receptionist informed me that Dr. K wanted to do an ultrasound on Wed when I got back.

Thurs we took off to Flagstaff to watch Nick-My-Boy and Bexter get married.  We made it just in time for the bachelorette party and Little and Bexter noticed I wasn't drinking.  It was a dead give away becos this was definitely a drinking occasion! I had intended to tell these special ladies the news, but I didn't want to take away from the occasion. Instantly, Bexter decided we would name this kid Freebird, after my most favorite burrito place.  Baby Freebird, FB, Baby Bird, Birdie.  We spent the weekend enjoying the mountains, the Grand Canyon, the people, and the food.  It was a short trip but it felt good to see where our best friends come from; what makes them who they are.

March 16, 2011 ~5.4wks

The first night home was nice and cool.  Somewhat reminiscent of Flagstaff.  We slept with the windows open and that was a bad idea.  I woke up with a dry throat and the sniffles.  Tues, first day back at work, I was somewhat miserable but managed to get through the day okay.  Wed, Mar 16, was okay, I was just annoyed to work at the front desk instead of being at my desk.  I left for my appt and that was nerve racking.  During the ultrasound Dr. K found the gestational sac super quickly, but I started to get nervous becos I couldn't see the embryo.  I was about to ask if it was an empty sac when he said, "I see the yolk sac." I told him how I was getting worried and he said, "Yeah, me too, but then I saw this..." and he then pointed out the yolk sac.  I left the office a little discouraged becos I was hoping to see a heartbeat, but Dr. K asked to follow up with me in one week.  He seemed optimistic, as usual, and that put me at ease.

I started feeling ill that same day and my temperature started to rise.  I never broke 100, but I was concerned.  I decided to take a cool shower and my temperature started rising yet again.  I phoned Bexter and asked her what to do.  The call started with me asking if I disturbed her becos she sounded like she had just woken up. She assured me she wasn't and mentioned she had a cold.  I thought maybe I had caught something too becos we had spent some time together and around sneezing/coughing people.   I broke down on the phone and she knew I was scared.   I couldn't hold it in any longer and I told her I was scared about losing Baby Bird. Bexter just graduated from nursing school, but I could hear in her voice how she started out in a joking mood and when she heard me crying, her professionalism kicked in and she became in control of the phone conversation.  She let me know about what temperatures were lethal to a pregnancy and when to call the doctor.  She told me to hydrate and get some rest.  

That night was rough. I was sweating and freezing at the same time. When I woke up I jumped in the shower to get ready for work, but that didn't even help.  I called in to work and was guilted into coming in.  Plus, I couldn't very well leave my best gal hanging and close the office by herself.  I went in at 15:00 and JayKay was nice enough to let us out a little early, but that didn't really pan out becos she spent a good 30 mins talking to me.  So we still closed at 17:30. LOL  Before leaving the office, one of the nurses took my temperature and didn't agree with the thermometer becos I felt hotter than that reading.  I still felt warm by the time I got home, nibbled on some dinner and napped for the rest of the evening.  

Thurs night was a little better, but I was so drained on Fri morning that I called in and decided I would actually rest today.  Well, it turns out that the in-laws were coming in for the weekend and I decided to do a little housework, nothing I couldn't handle or so I thought.  I vacuumed, rearranged some furniture, swept the kitchen, cleaned the counters all in preparation for their visit.  Maund noticed his sister's car from the backyard and ran to the front to see if it was her.  At that moment I must have sneezed or coughed, but it felt like I had peed myself a little.  I know no one wants to talk about involuntary urine leakage, but it happens.  I don't know what compelled me but I checked myself and the next thing I see is blood on my fingers. I yelled "Oh No!" and ran upstairs.  I immediately went to the bathroom and all I could see was blood.  Blood in the toilet, blood on the tissue.  Now I know that one drop of blood in water can seem like a sea of red, so I honestly can't gauge how much blood it was, but it was enough to make me panic.  I immediately phoned Dr. K and the receptionist told me she would relay the info and call me back.  That was at 13:44.  

I called downstairs in the calmest voice I could summon up and asked for Maund to join me.  Once he closed the door behind him I told him I started bleeding.  All I saw was the disappointment on his face.  Not necessarily in me, but in the fact that this would be miscarriage #2.  He immediately told me to lay down and attempted to comfort me.  I just wanted to scream!  I ended up yelling into a pillow, "I can't lose another baby!" He just held me and reiterated "It's not the end of the world. I'm not in a hurry."  How can this not be the end of the world when it feels like your heart is breaking?

Maund brought me lunch in bed, gatorade, tissues, the cat, hugs, kisses...all while we waited to hear back from Dr. K's office.  In the meantime, his parents had arrived and I asked him to visit with them and he told them I was sick with the flu.  Dr. K's office called around 15:30, told me this was not normal and asked me to come in for an ultrasound.  I rushed over and as usual the staff was so friendly and warm.  Once in the room, Dr. K performed an ultrasound and I could see the embryo.  I also saw some amoeba-like areas in the endometrium.  Dr. K said that moving stuff looked like the wall was bleeding a bit.  He also noticed that the sac was exactly where we had last seen it, at the top of the uterus.  He explained that in cases where women are miscarrying, the sac has dislodged from it's original placement or is on it's way out when seen through the ultrasound.  He noticed a slight growth in development in the yolk sac and assured me that things were looking good so far.  The thing I appreciate the most is that he looked me in the eyes and said, "If you were going to bleed it wasn't becos of anything you did.  I want you to  take that weight off your shoulders.  It's not your fault." He said he would be available all weekend and not to hesitate to call.  Who says that?!?! Most doctors will tell you straight up it's your own GD fault:  Put the cheeseburger down! Go exercise! Use condoms! Stop drinking! But here, he tells me it's not my fault.  I'm so used to everything being my fault that his words are comforting. The last thing he said was, "Right now, things look good.  I'm fond of you, but I hope I don't have to see you till Wed!"  We chuckled and he said things could be worse.  I agreed and drove home.

I was so emotional over something measuring only a couple of millimeters in my uterus.  How am I ever going to handle a life-size being that's part of me walking around in the world? How do people do this? More importantly, how do people get through this?