infastidita

*jaw tight, through my teeth* 

When my kid is throwing up, I don't want you to sit on the couch and watch her.  You need to go to her and let her know you're there for her.  When her tummy gets upset, her stomach or diaphragm starts to heave and her whole body starts to make the same motion.  It takes some coaxing to get her off the carpet and to the kitchen, but this morning she went there on her own.  She's such a good girl. 

All I remember hearing was, "Oh, Bear!" and you stayed on the couch.  I ran from my study and got her better situated in the kitchen.  I rubbed her back, waited patiently for her to puke and then studied it to make sure it's wasn't anything serious.  Meanwhile, you're still on the couch.

Once it's all over, I had to fend off the other 2 becos they're so curious about this putrid substance. Finally, you come over after pausing your show, get a bowl of water and napkins for the mess.

***

Maybe it's a mom thing.  I remember getting bloody noses and my mom taking care of me.  I remember having an upset tummy, and my mom rubbing my back and getting me water.  Just sitting next to me by the toilet. When I see this happen to my furkids, I feel like crying becos I can't do anything to stop it.  Yes, I'm grossed out by it all, but I suck it up for these kids.

As an adult, I've rarely  had an occasion where I got completely shit-faced and wound up puking my guts out.  Two.  TWO times and I'm a lousy up-chucker. For some odd reason I find myself yelling as I'm up-chucking.  Not on purpose, but my vocal chords are somewhat vocal when I vomit.  Now, my bouts with food poisoning...well that's a different story.

When I'm throwing up, please, please, please, just be there.  I'm a crier.  Rub my back.  Get me water.  Hold my hair. Human touch is comforting.  Don't stand outside the door.  Don't ask if I'm okay.  If I was okay I wouldn't be ear-deep in a toilet bowl. Don't continue sleeping.  Just be there.

il primo passo

3/5/2011 @ 06:00

Saturday morning I woke up for work and decided to take a test.  As you may know it's best to take a test with the first urine of the day becos it's more concentrated.  So I laid it out while I showered.  I figured this would give it enough time and I would be focused on getting clean instead of pacing the floor waiting for a result.  Faint Positive! And no, it doesn't mean you're a little bit pregnant, but in a way it kinda does. ;)

You would think my initial reaction would be to jump for joy, but it wasn't.  My first emotion was anxiety.  I want so bad to be happy, but I'm scared I'll miscarry again.  I'm scared that if that does happen that I won't be able to handle it.  I mean obviously I will overcome whatever happens, but I don't know how long it would take to get over another broken heart.

I guess I already knew that I was pregnant.  I have been falling asleep more.  I started feeling nauseous that Wednesday evening then again Thursday evening.  That was the true test becos at 219 West I smelled the calamari appetizer when no one else did.  I think I asked Yunuen, "Do you smell that?" and instantly her and Smalls shrieked "Tranny!"  It wasn't disgusting, but I definitely smelled the fishiness.  And as much as I wanted to delve into that platter of fried calamari-O's, I stopped myself becos I'm not sure if that's one that has too much mercury.

All weekend long I teetered between excitement and anxiety until Monday when I phoned Dr. K.  I called and reported my positive test and said, "I know this sounds like a silly question, but What do I do now?"  The receptionist giggled and assured me that it wasn't a silly question.  She explained that I would have HCG Quants drawn today and again on Wednesday.  If the levels are increasing then we will proceed with an ultrasound in 2 weeks.  

*********

The last time I prayed was on "Snow Day 2011" for courage to navigate the frozen roads to work.  Lucky for me, I was one of only 3 dumbasses on the road.  So prayer answered; I made it in one piece at 20mph which apparently is speeding when driving on ice.  Prior to that was the night before my birthday.  I asked God to give me strength to accept whatever result I got from the test.  And when it came out faint positive I was grateful.  I then had to ask for strength and patience to get through the heartache.  

I really want this.  I just hope that this is really it.