giunchiglie

JayKay had brought daffodils to the office last week to spread a little cheer. She filled a cute glass jar with these yellow beauties and set them on my desk. It was nice to see her feeling better and making every attempt to be healthier. She had been having some health problems lately and today she shared with me that she finally had a name for part of her ailments. 

Today I sat at my desk translating the forms I had just finished last week. It had taken me a good couple of weeks to create them and really, I don't mind it, but today I felt so sleepy. If anything, I bet this weekend is finally catching up with me. And I'm sure it doesn't help that the only natural light I have coming into my office is from the patio door which faces a tree covered courtyard. It's hot, too. The server farm is located in my space, or I should say that my desk is located in the room with the server farm which emits a ghastly amount of heat. That would be a more accurate depiction of the sauna which I call my office, in the heart of Texas, nearing the end of 1st Summer otherwise known as Spring in other parts of the country. o.O

She had left around 11:00 to meet with the boss's wife and reappeared later in the day in a good mood. It's rare to see JayKay in a good mood after these meetings. As soon as she opened her mouth to tell me about their discussion, she burst into tears and hid her face in her hands. I was caught off guard and waited for her to calm down a bit before asking her what was wrong. It turns out that she wasn't sad at all. They were tears of happiness and what she had to say made me seriously think about certain things.

JayKay and Jon recently got engaged during a vacation to Mexico. From what I know, these two have been on & off again for over a decade. It seems like they've been through it all. For being such an attractive couple, one would wonder why their union hadn't happened sooner. JayKay claimed that Jon was immature while Jon claimed that JayKay was bat shit crazy. Who's right? Well, JayKay had an appointment scheduled with an endocrinologist last week and Jon just so happened to have that particular day off. She had asked him to join her for the appointment and figured that they could get their marriage license and cross that off their To Do list for the wedding. Before leaving the county clerk's office the clerk asked them about the wedding date. They mentioned that they hadn't really thought about a date, but were looking at October 2012. Unbeknownst to them, in Texas, a marriage license is only good for 30 days and cannot be used within the first 72 hours of being issued. The clerk apologized for the mistake and offered to give them a refund.  They looked at each other befuddled and in that moment they decided to keep the license. After leaving the clerk's office, Jon asked JayKay if she wanted to get something to eat and they simultaneously chose BurgerTex. Apparently, this had been their eatery all throughout college and just so happened to be across Airport Blvd. from the county clerk's office. After eating, JayKay went to her doctor's appointment and was told that she had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and that if she was thinking about having children, she didn't have the liberty to wait due to her age. She mentioned that was a little tough to hear, but that she was worried about being healthy enough to even contemplate conceiving. She had long ago decided that she didn't want children, but now she admitted that they were definitely in her future, just not this soon. 

Back to today, there she stood talking about how overwhelmed she felt; overwhelmed with happiness. She said it all felt right. From the non-existent wait at a government office, deciding on a wedding date on the fly, BurgerTex across the street, the need to have children within this next year. She was overwhelmed becos she knows that her life will be changing drastically, and soon, but these are all good changes. While she was expressing her happiness and sharing so much and asking questions about my personal life I didn't have the heart to tell her about my decision to get divorced. In fact, I was too overwhelmed with the idea that I hadn't had those moments she was experiencing. 

I was planning to leave Maund before he proposed. Back then I felt ready to get married and waited with each holiday or big event for a proposal. When those events came and went, I was always left disappointed that no proposal had taken place. I told myself that if he did not propose by the end of our lease, that was it. Lo and behold, he proposed 2 months before the lease was up and we took a little over a year to plan for the wedding. I've told our engagement story time and time again, exaggerating here, embellishing there, but it wasn't what I had envisioned. I don't think guys understand that popping the question should be something special. Come to think of it, I didn't even get a question. I saw the ring, which his sister picked out, and got a "So?" I forced my emotions and I remember that feeling. The idea behind Maund's proposal was cute and original, but it's the details that kill me. I've always had these thoughts in the back of my head, but thought it was better not to voice them. Why couldn't I just be grateful and appreciative of his proposal? Becos the details are still nagging at me, just like certain details about the wedding decor. I don't know why these things bother me? Why did he call my Pop to ask for my hand instead of asking him in person? I guess I should be thankful that he even asked, or maybe I'm wrong about that and he only told my folks that he wanted to ask me to get married. Why did he ask his sister to help pick out a ring when I'm not close to her at all? Why not ask Nani or Adrianna, someone who knows my likes/dislikes. Hell, I would have taken Rob's opinion over Angie's! The ring was alright, but there was no real thought put into it. It was an oval shaped cubic zirconia...oval. Oval! At that time I was all about the emerald cut. I would have loved an emerald/radiant/princess/round/asscher cut. I don't need diamonds, why not choose one of my favorite stones? Why not choose something from my favorite color palette? Or maybe a ring I had taken a liking to in passing. I didn't need a $10K ring, I didn't even need a $100 ring, I just wanted...I don't know what I wanted. I guess I wanted too much.

What I realized during that moment with JayKay was that I shouldn't have to embellish a story. I should have appreciated the experience instead of picking it apart. And maybe the reason I was overanalyzing    the proposal was becos I wasn't ready, becos it wasn't right, becos I didn't have those "feelings" that so many women gush over when sharing their engagement stories. Those were my signs and I chose to ignore them. And while part of me is sad to think I may have made a mistake in getting married, would a different string of events have led me to find you? 

la conversazione

Wednesday Maund said, "ok, let's talk." I said okay. After all was said and done he said he just wanted to know what was going on with me and that he wasn't prepared for this. He said he wasn't expecting me to say I wanted a divorce. He figured that I was unhappy, but that was the last thing on his mind. He said that he wasn't gonna force me and that if I wanted to leave, he wasn't gonna stand in my way. He cried and was really sad and yet we slept in the same bed that night.

Thursday he was still at the house when I woke up which was unusual, but he had been hanging out downstairs. He called in sick and was so sad, so mopey, that it made me cry. When I got in the car I looked for Oct <3 and Sondre Lerche really lifted my spirits. In the first 10 bars it got me excited about you and about the future. Work was tough and all I wanted to do was call you becos I knew you were worried. 

Well, the day came and went and I was okay for the most part. The drive home was good, too, and  my mood was good until I pulled up to the light before my street. I got sad suddenly and was still sad pulling into the driveway. When I opened the door all the windows were closed, the curtains drawn, it was dark. Maund was still in the same place I had left him that morning. I walked over and checked on him and said 'hey.' I had to run upstairs not only to change out of my work clothes, but mostly becos I couldn't contain how sad I was to have caused him such sadness. I just started bawling and cried into a heap of clothes to muffle my sobs. I walked back downstairs and opened all the windows, the curtains, the patio screen, and then stepped outside to play with the dogs. Maund finally emerged out from under the blanket/pillow cave he burrowed himself into and I apologized for making him feel so sad. He said he had been thinking all day and decided that he wasn't gonna give up without a fight. I told him it wasn't necessary. He said he wanted to see me happy and after more discussion the mood felt a little lighter. 

Yuni called to see if she could stop by and bring Keegster's GRE books. She ended up staying for 3 hours and we all just sat in the the living room talking and laughing and just chatting about other stuff. Things felt normal for just a moment and didn't realize how tired I felt until she left and just thought it would be better to go to bed. I was exhausted from the day's events. We still slept in the same bed and he asked me why I used a spray on my pillow. It was the Sleep spray from Bath & Bodyworks which has really helped me relax recently. Probably moreso now since I gave you the same stuff. It calms my brain.

Today Maund took the day off becos his folks were driving in from Harlingen. My phone was on silent after you called so I didn't see his text asking if I wanted to have lunch. My eye was getting worse so I made an appointment with the eye doctor and at 1430 I called to let him know i was going to an appointment later. I was shocked when he said he was parked outside of my office and he had something for me. He had ordered a flower arrangement...really beautiful stuff...but it was huge and didn't want me to lug it around work and then back home. I went outside and told him they were nice and not at all necessary, and that he could take them back to the house and put them on the dining table. I could tell he felt a little embarrassed, probably since i didn't give him the reaction he was anticipating. In my mind I figured it was too late. Why not shower me with flowers on a regular basis or a couple of years back? Plus, I'm sure flowers are expensive when they're that beautiful. I was worried he spent too much and also, I don't think he's ever cared to know what kind of flowers I fancy. The sad thing is that I would have been content if he had picked a flower while walking the dogs and brought it home. I would have been fine with a leaf off a tree...then, not now. 

The girls at work who don't really know me were swooning over the fact that I got flowers, but Boo eyed me and looked sad. She knows me even though we haven't known each other too long. When I told the girls that Maund was outside, Keegster went into protective bulldog mode and with her piercing blue eyes staring back at me asked, "Are you okay? What do you need?" I didn't need anything, I was okay. I stepped outside to thank him for the flowers, gave him a hug, and sent him home. 

Turns out my eye is okay. Maund went over to his sister's house with his folks. I'm just relaxing and I feel perfectly fine! the windows are open, blinds are up, curtains are open flapping in the wind. I'm good, but his sadness overwhelms me becos I care a lot about his feelings. 

These are things that I don't want to forget. Events that I know I survived and made me just a tiny bit stronger. These are things that I want to share with you. 

aspirazioni

“There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth - not going all the way and not starting.”

 -Buddha

One of my sorority sisters posted this quote on Facebook at the beginning of the month.  When I first read it I felt like crying. The thoughts and emotions it sparked were exhilarating. It was a moment of clarity and I hope to live it by the end of this year.  I'm so grateful to Anna O. for posting this becos it felt like a sign that was meant for me.

Step 1

I started looking at graduate school and pre-reqs today. It always seemed so unattainable and I was discouraged from looking.  Now I'm wondering why I hadn't done it sooner? It's easier than the mountain I had made it out to be.

Step 2

I began the application to register for the Foreign Services exam.  I don't think I'm quite ready for the February 2012 test date, but I plan on registering for the June exam.

baby steps.

*update 1/18/12
I wasn't able to say this in person today, but the enthusiasm you had for my snaillike blossoming progress is much appreciated.  The reason being becos when I mentioned grad school to Maund his response was "You need to grow up." No exclamation, non-advisory, but more like a stop-fucking-around connotation.  When I mentioned the idea and Maund's response to some Trans, Lil Z was floored and said she was surprised at his remark being that this could greatly benefit my career and our standard of living.  That's what I thought, and I felt like a kid being scolded for wanting more or something better than what I have now.
So, thank you. Thanks for being my motivation.