popcorn

I hate the kernels at the bottom that never get popped.  If I wait too long then the whole bag burns.  If I don't wait long enough then I'm left with 1/2 a bag of popcorn and 1/2 a bag of kernels.  Well, becos I was so bummed about the kernel filled bag I wondered, "What would happen if I stuck it back in the microwave?" 

What would happen?

So I rolled up the open end of the bag, placed it in the microwave and within a couple of seconds it was PoPpInG! 

Second Bag...I <3 it! 

I can't believe that I've been throwing away perfectly good kernels! 

Second Bag, all becos I decided not to follow the rules and re-popped the bag. Wow!

Baby steps :)

fortuna II

Found this in my cookie tonight!

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nervosa e più arrabbiata II

I called Dr. K's office on Monday to inquire more about the surgery.  The way things work is I call and leave a question for the doctor and someone calls me back with his response.  After thinking things over I decided that the surgery would be the best option and could increase my chances of continuing a pregnancy.  I'm still scared.  Not so much about the surgery, but about feeling vulnerable again. 

I spent the whole day just playing music, sun bathing at Barton Springs, playing with the dogs.  Honestly, I did anything I could do to keep myself from twiddling my thumbs and contemplating worst case scenarios. At the end of a busy work day I get a call from Dr. K's office.  The receptionist informed me that I am to call and schedule my pre-op visit and surgery between Day 6-10 of my next cycle.  I chuckled.  Then I realized that she sounded confused becos she wasn't aware of my history.  I blurted out, "What if I don't have normal periods?" She definitely didn't know how to answer my question and I knew the answer.  You don't get a normal period, then you're gonna be waiting a long fucking time for this surgery.  She suggested that if I don't get a period next month to call back and see what else we could do.  I assume Provera, but who knows.

Did Dr. K not hear me when I said I was eager to do this?  Am I too eager?  Is there something I'm not seeing?  I'm just come out and say it...

I want a baby...

NOW!

Maybe this won't be such a bad thing, right? I could pay off some bills and start saving up more money, huh? I should look for another job, huh?  I could pawn or sell some stuff, huh?  I need guidance.  I need someone to show me or tell me what to do.  Ah, I'm just playing the victim. I know what I need to do, I just wish I didn't have to.

un ricordo

I'm feeling a little nostalgic today.  There are so many emotions present that make me look back and wonder "what if?" I ask myself, "Why are you beating yourself up?" I don't have an answer and I don't pretend to, but one day I would like to find one. 

Tomorrow is cycle day 13 and I'll be having an ultrasound to look at my ovaries.  My doctor will be able to tell if the follicles are ready to let loose and if not, then hormones, Hormones, HORMONES!  You guessed it, I'll be pumped full of hormones to cause the egg to release.  Is this what it feels like to be a chicken?  Don't poultry get juiced up with hormones to make'em taste extra yummy?

I hope this works.

I opened up The Qur'an earlier this evening.  I was compelled to pick it up for guidance and the marker fell on Súra Luqmán (Ch 31) 34th ayat:

Verily the knowledge of the Hour is with God (alone). It is He Who sends down rain, and He Who knows what is in the wombs. Nor does any one know what it is that he will earn on the morrow: Nor does any one know in what land he is to die. Verily with God is full knowledge and He is acquainted (with all things).

It kinda helped me to realize that I should let go.  There are some things that are out of my control and I need to find peace to accept that.  This is something that I will work towards.

risposta

This we have now
is not imagination.

This is not
grief or joy.

Not a judging state,
or an elation,
or sadness.

Those come
and go.

This is the presence
that doesn't.

                                              ~ The Essential Rumi
                                                 Translations by Coleman Barks