esasperante II

Around 18:00 I found a drop of blood and freaked out.  I called my doctor and we discussed what/what not to do.  The bleeding has stopped, but now I feel sick.

Really? Really? I thought this was it. What could I have done differently? 

I lied in bed and felt nothing. Maund tried to comfort me, but I still felt nothing.  He knew I had been craving lemon pepper wings from Plucker's and offered to grab some for dinner. I agreed and decided to sit up in bed, but the minute I did so I began to sob.  Once I was feeling a little better he took off to get me some dinner.

I kinda feel defeated eventhough I don't know what's going on.  I can't give up just yet.  Nothing's been confirmed.  But still I can't help shake the memory of having breakthrough bleeding and then miscarrying a week and half later.  And you know what's not fair, getting to listen to my baby's heartbeat and not hearing it the next week.

Was it stress? Was it working in the path lab for 6 hours straight without taking a break? Was it from hanging out with my cat too much? Was it the humidifier? Was it allergies? What was it?!?! What am I gonna do if this happens again? 

Dr. K said to call him on Sunday for an update and possibly go in on Monday morning for an ultrasound. All I can do is wait, huh?

I really miss you.

superstite

1 April 2011 - I had trouble sleeping the night before. I went to work with the intentions of telling my supervisors what had been going on with me.  I was constantly using my lunch break for dr's appointments and wasn't myself.  I felt like I was letting down our team and being rather flakey. I was relieved to hear them say that they were sincerely worried about my health and understood if I needed time.  I explained that too much time to myself would cause me to go crazy.  I can't be left alone with my thoughts.  I did however take the afternoon off and the next day.

13:10 - Took Zofran. 

I had an appointment at 13:45 for vaginal insertion of 800mcg of Misoprostol.  It's a prostaglandin so I knew what I was in store for.  The previous day when I asked Dr. K's office whether I needed to prepare or what to do about pain medicine or take the day off I was met with, "You can take Motrin and go back to work afterwards."  Now I'm very familiar with this drug and we usually tell women to 1. take the day off 2. we will prescribe Vicodin 3. have a support person.  The most common side effects that we tell patients about include: vaginal bleeding, cramping, fever, chills, nausea, diarrhea.  It's not a very pleasant medication and I even joke with patients that you may have liquids coming out of every orifice.  I was absolutely dumbfounded and in shock when I saw how much Misoprostol was being prescribed.  So when I went in for the insertion I laid out my demands and made sure to have confirmation before proceeding with the insertion.  

14:00 - I left Dr. K's office, sad and nervous, analyzing every little discomfort, wondering if that's what I'm supposed to experience.  I didn't receive any explanation or walk-through of what to expect, but lucky me, I already knew.  As I was driving home I wasn't really thinking.  I was just relieved about not getting into an accident.  I felt numb. I arrived before Maund who had been out and about gathering supplies from the list I had left on the fridge:

• Gatorade
• Ibuprofen
• Heating Pad
• Thermometer
• Pads 

He even called to ask what I meant by pads.  I said maxipads and he thought I meant additional pads for the heating pad.  When Maund finally got home he displayed the bounty of items and with eagerness began to describe each item. "48 pads, BAM! I splurged on the heating pad and thermometer...9 seconds!  I got the BIG bottle of Ibuprofen." I chuckled and said, "You splurged on everything BUT the pads!"  He was looking at quantity and opted for the Wal-Mart Equate brand. "They all looked the same to me. Sorry, " he replied. 

14:22 - Took 800mg of Ibuprofen.  I then calculated when to take another...in 6 hours.  I went to lie down on the couch and this pain, a sharp shooting pain like a lightning bolt, shot through my vagina and then into my vulva.  "Fuck! Is this what it's gonna be like," I wondered. I also had Maund take off again to pick up my Vicodin prescription.  When he got back to the house with it I looked over the label.  I wasn't sure whether to be thankful or offended.  Dr. K had prescribed 20 pills! We normally prescribe only 5.  Did he think I was an addict? Or did he just not want to get a call in the middle of the night asking for more meds? I was furious, I don't think my demands were outrageous.  It kinda felt like a slap in the face.  That prescription of Vicodin will last me another 10-20 years.

14:00-15:00 (Hour 1): Mostly mild menstrual type cramping. Not too annoying.  Soothed by Ibuprofen and the heating pad.  I was wrapped in  a blanket on the couch, but that could be due to the A/C on too low.  We like it cold. No bleeding

15:00-16:00 (Hour 2): Not too much activity.  Some of the same as the first hour.  No bleeding.  Nothing noticeable.

16:00-17:00 (Hour 3): The cramps are starting to resemble those of a bowel movement. At 16:38 I get up to use the bathroom.  Much to my relief it's just a bowel movement, but afterwards I keep feeling the same pressure and can't tell if these are uterine cramps or stomach/bowel cramps.  So I stay put a little bit and wait it out.  Before the hour was done I had been to the bathroom 3 times.  Diarrhea, check. Nausea, super mild thanks to the Zofran, check. Spotting, check.

17:00 - Maund suggested that I take some pain meds just in case.  I had taken Vicodin before and gotten nauseous, so I decided to only take 1/2 of the 5-500mg tablet. 

17:00-18:00 (Hour 4): The cramps are getting stronger.  I was glad to have taken the Vicodin, but it hadn't really kicked in. I turned up the heating pad, but it wasn't helping as much anymore.  I start wriggling and writhing and it's really hurting. At this point my cramping on a scale of 1-10 is at a 7 or 8.  

From the beginning of the hour, the cramping intensified rapidly.  We joked that this is probably a fraction of what contractions feel like and if that was the case then "count me out!" It feels like an invisible hand has got my uterus in it's clutches and it's strangling it.  The grip is constant and at this point Maund catches me whimpering.  I know he saw the pain in my eyes and face; I saw the worry in his.  My husband suggests I take the other half of the Vicodin and I give in.  For another good 30 mins I'm clutching the couch in one hand and my husband's hand in the other.  I'm cold and still wrapped in the blanket, but now I'm sweating profusely.  Maund was thoughtful enough to run and grab a damp paper towel and dab me with it.  The coolness brought such relief to my skin, but nowhere near enough for my uterus.  Towards the end of the hour is where I notice the cramping has gone away.  Or better yet, the discomfort has gone away.  I remember looking at the clock at 17:55 because it felt like a veil or a curtain closing on my uterus.  I envisioned a velvety burgundy theatre curtain closing and blocking the light from the crowd so all I could see was the stage in the darkness.  I felt pressure or motion of my uterus, but it didn't hurt anymore.  Kinda like the stage crew moving around props, but no pain. That relief also brought sleep and Maund went outside to play with the dogs.

*sidenote - There are plenty of women who choose to terminate a pregnancy using this similar method.  Misoprostol is usually taken 24-48 hours after Mifepristone.  We tell women to make sure to have a support person and have their children somewhere else.  I understand why now.  My dogs are my children.  Gizmo was a great alternative to a heating pad and stayed next to me.  Bear was worried and stayed by my side.  Had these been young human children they would not understand why mommy is in pain.  Having my husband there to tend to the dogs and let me rest was a luxury.  I can't even begin to think about women who agree to a dr's protocol knowing full well that they don't have the luxury of sending their kids off to daycare or having someone to nurture them.  But then again, I'm well aware that women are strong individuals and will go to the ends of the earth to either save or terminate a pregnancy.

18:00-19:00 (Hour 5): I slept for the most part.  I did get up once to use the bathroom and the minute I stood up it felt like the flood gates had opened.  I waddled to the bathroom, checked my pad, and just waited until the blood that had pooled during my nap drained.  There were some clots, nothing large but similar to clots during my period.  I lied back down and napped again.

19:00-20:00 (Hour 6): By 19:30 I noticed that my cramping had come back and was counting down the time to when I could take some more Ibuprofen.  I went ahead and took another 1/2 tablet of Vicodin.  Julie called to check-in and see how I was doing.  We chatted a little and once I hung up I made a beeline for the bathroom yet again.  More flood gates, but this felt different.  I clenched my muscles a bit and I lowered my underwear making sure to have my bottom over the toilet seat.  Mostly my bottom is touching the seat and I am able to relax, but this time, in mid air I have blood streaming into the bowl.  I've never had that before.  I was relieved to not have missed.  I did a perimeter check and luckily there was no mess on the floor.  I start to pee and out of nowhere I feel something drop.  It was a clot and it felt big.  I can't really see it in the bowl so I shrug it off and go lie down.

20:00 - Took 800mg of Ibuprofen.

20:00-21:00 (Hour 7): Not much activity.  Some bleeding, but nothing like before.  

21:00 - Took 1/2 of the 5-500mg of Vicodin. 

The rest of the night was mellow.  I expected to have a lot of bleeding through out the night, but that's not the case.  I barely had any bleeding...same thing for when I woke up the next day.

Saturday - No cramping, light flow.

Same for Sunday.

4 April 2011 - Today I woke up with a little gush.  I had some cramping so I took some Ibuprofen.  After my morning walk, shower, and breakfast I went to pee and felt 2 large clots fall out of my vagina.  It was unnerving, but I quickly snapped out of it. I was more relieved that they hadn't fallen out in the shower when I was cleaning myself.

I imagine the next 2-4 weeks will be like this.  I'm ready for it...I guess.

esasperante

Mon, March 7, I had my blood drawn and was told later that day that the test was positive.  I knew this already but figured I would get the levels when the second set came in.  I went in on March 9 for the second draw and was told later that on Mon the level had been ~300 and today's level was ~700.  I was uber excited.  To have the numbers double like they're supposed to put me at ease.  The receptionist informed me that Dr. K wanted to do an ultrasound on Wed when I got back.

Thurs we took off to Flagstaff to watch Nick-My-Boy and Bexter get married.  We made it just in time for the bachelorette party and Little and Bexter noticed I wasn't drinking.  It was a dead give away becos this was definitely a drinking occasion! I had intended to tell these special ladies the news, but I didn't want to take away from the occasion. Instantly, Bexter decided we would name this kid Freebird, after my most favorite burrito place.  Baby Freebird, FB, Baby Bird, Birdie.  We spent the weekend enjoying the mountains, the Grand Canyon, the people, and the food.  It was a short trip but it felt good to see where our best friends come from; what makes them who they are.

March 16, 2011 ~5.4wks

The first night home was nice and cool.  Somewhat reminiscent of Flagstaff.  We slept with the windows open and that was a bad idea.  I woke up with a dry throat and the sniffles.  Tues, first day back at work, I was somewhat miserable but managed to get through the day okay.  Wed, Mar 16, was okay, I was just annoyed to work at the front desk instead of being at my desk.  I left for my appt and that was nerve racking.  During the ultrasound Dr. K found the gestational sac super quickly, but I started to get nervous becos I couldn't see the embryo.  I was about to ask if it was an empty sac when he said, "I see the yolk sac." I told him how I was getting worried and he said, "Yeah, me too, but then I saw this..." and he then pointed out the yolk sac.  I left the office a little discouraged becos I was hoping to see a heartbeat, but Dr. K asked to follow up with me in one week.  He seemed optimistic, as usual, and that put me at ease.

I started feeling ill that same day and my temperature started to rise.  I never broke 100, but I was concerned.  I decided to take a cool shower and my temperature started rising yet again.  I phoned Bexter and asked her what to do.  The call started with me asking if I disturbed her becos she sounded like she had just woken up. She assured me she wasn't and mentioned she had a cold.  I thought maybe I had caught something too becos we had spent some time together and around sneezing/coughing people.   I broke down on the phone and she knew I was scared.   I couldn't hold it in any longer and I told her I was scared about losing Baby Bird. Bexter just graduated from nursing school, but I could hear in her voice how she started out in a joking mood and when she heard me crying, her professionalism kicked in and she became in control of the phone conversation.  She let me know about what temperatures were lethal to a pregnancy and when to call the doctor.  She told me to hydrate and get some rest.  

That night was rough. I was sweating and freezing at the same time. When I woke up I jumped in the shower to get ready for work, but that didn't even help.  I called in to work and was guilted into coming in.  Plus, I couldn't very well leave my best gal hanging and close the office by herself.  I went in at 15:00 and JayKay was nice enough to let us out a little early, but that didn't really pan out becos she spent a good 30 mins talking to me.  So we still closed at 17:30. LOL  Before leaving the office, one of the nurses took my temperature and didn't agree with the thermometer becos I felt hotter than that reading.  I still felt warm by the time I got home, nibbled on some dinner and napped for the rest of the evening.  

Thurs night was a little better, but I was so drained on Fri morning that I called in and decided I would actually rest today.  Well, it turns out that the in-laws were coming in for the weekend and I decided to do a little housework, nothing I couldn't handle or so I thought.  I vacuumed, rearranged some furniture, swept the kitchen, cleaned the counters all in preparation for their visit.  Maund noticed his sister's car from the backyard and ran to the front to see if it was her.  At that moment I must have sneezed or coughed, but it felt like I had peed myself a little.  I know no one wants to talk about involuntary urine leakage, but it happens.  I don't know what compelled me but I checked myself and the next thing I see is blood on my fingers. I yelled "Oh No!" and ran upstairs.  I immediately went to the bathroom and all I could see was blood.  Blood in the toilet, blood on the tissue.  Now I know that one drop of blood in water can seem like a sea of red, so I honestly can't gauge how much blood it was, but it was enough to make me panic.  I immediately phoned Dr. K and the receptionist told me she would relay the info and call me back.  That was at 13:44.  

I called downstairs in the calmest voice I could summon up and asked for Maund to join me.  Once he closed the door behind him I told him I started bleeding.  All I saw was the disappointment on his face.  Not necessarily in me, but in the fact that this would be miscarriage #2.  He immediately told me to lay down and attempted to comfort me.  I just wanted to scream!  I ended up yelling into a pillow, "I can't lose another baby!" He just held me and reiterated "It's not the end of the world. I'm not in a hurry."  How can this not be the end of the world when it feels like your heart is breaking?

Maund brought me lunch in bed, gatorade, tissues, the cat, hugs, kisses...all while we waited to hear back from Dr. K's office.  In the meantime, his parents had arrived and I asked him to visit with them and he told them I was sick with the flu.  Dr. K's office called around 15:30, told me this was not normal and asked me to come in for an ultrasound.  I rushed over and as usual the staff was so friendly and warm.  Once in the room, Dr. K performed an ultrasound and I could see the embryo.  I also saw some amoeba-like areas in the endometrium.  Dr. K said that moving stuff looked like the wall was bleeding a bit.  He also noticed that the sac was exactly where we had last seen it, at the top of the uterus.  He explained that in cases where women are miscarrying, the sac has dislodged from it's original placement or is on it's way out when seen through the ultrasound.  He noticed a slight growth in development in the yolk sac and assured me that things were looking good so far.  The thing I appreciate the most is that he looked me in the eyes and said, "If you were going to bleed it wasn't becos of anything you did.  I want you to  take that weight off your shoulders.  It's not your fault." He said he would be available all weekend and not to hesitate to call.  Who says that?!?! Most doctors will tell you straight up it's your own GD fault:  Put the cheeseburger down! Go exercise! Use condoms! Stop drinking! But here, he tells me it's not my fault.  I'm so used to everything being my fault that his words are comforting. The last thing he said was, "Right now, things look good.  I'm fond of you, but I hope I don't have to see you till Wed!"  We chuckled and he said things could be worse.  I agreed and drove home.

I was so emotional over something measuring only a couple of millimeters in my uterus.  How am I ever going to handle a life-size being that's part of me walking around in the world? How do people do this? More importantly, how do people get through this?