livelli

Dr. K had me do some bloodwork this morning to check on the pregnancy hormone levels.
Nov 28 - 642
Dec 01 - 2444
Dec 03 - 3769
Dec 05 - 5973

Progress is slow. The numbers are supposed to double every two days.  Dr. K says he's hopeful if the numbers are growing by atleast 50%, but I can't help but feel scared.

What's wrong with me? I know he's hopeful, but I think I know too much.  I think I'm expecting too much that it's messing with my head. Am I ever gonna have my own child? Is this ever gonna happen for me? Am I that miserable that I'm doing this to myself? What's going on? 

Today I am sad.

But today, all was not lost.

il primo passo

3/5/2011 @ 06:00

Saturday morning I woke up for work and decided to take a test.  As you may know it's best to take a test with the first urine of the day becos it's more concentrated.  So I laid it out while I showered.  I figured this would give it enough time and I would be focused on getting clean instead of pacing the floor waiting for a result.  Faint Positive! And no, it doesn't mean you're a little bit pregnant, but in a way it kinda does. ;)

You would think my initial reaction would be to jump for joy, but it wasn't.  My first emotion was anxiety.  I want so bad to be happy, but I'm scared I'll miscarry again.  I'm scared that if that does happen that I won't be able to handle it.  I mean obviously I will overcome whatever happens, but I don't know how long it would take to get over another broken heart.

I guess I already knew that I was pregnant.  I have been falling asleep more.  I started feeling nauseous that Wednesday evening then again Thursday evening.  That was the true test becos at 219 West I smelled the calamari appetizer when no one else did.  I think I asked Yunuen, "Do you smell that?" and instantly her and Smalls shrieked "Tranny!"  It wasn't disgusting, but I definitely smelled the fishiness.  And as much as I wanted to delve into that platter of fried calamari-O's, I stopped myself becos I'm not sure if that's one that has too much mercury.

All weekend long I teetered between excitement and anxiety until Monday when I phoned Dr. K.  I called and reported my positive test and said, "I know this sounds like a silly question, but What do I do now?"  The receptionist giggled and assured me that it wasn't a silly question.  She explained that I would have HCG Quants drawn today and again on Wednesday.  If the levels are increasing then we will proceed with an ultrasound in 2 weeks.  

*********

The last time I prayed was on "Snow Day 2011" for courage to navigate the frozen roads to work.  Lucky for me, I was one of only 3 dumbasses on the road.  So prayer answered; I made it in one piece at 20mph which apparently is speeding when driving on ice.  Prior to that was the night before my birthday.  I asked God to give me strength to accept whatever result I got from the test.  And when it came out faint positive I was grateful.  I then had to ask for strength and patience to get through the heartache.  

I really want this.  I just hope that this is really it.

una settimana

For one week I was the happiest person in the world. 

For one week I envisioned a lifetime of happiness.

For one week we fantasized about a little “us.”

I found out on my day off that my HCG levels were D

                                                                                 R

                                                                                       O

                                                                                             P

                                                                                                 Ping. 

I wasn't very far into the pregnancy, but my husband and I were ecstatic about finally becoming parents.  I knew that miscarriage in the first trimester was very common, but

I hoped it wouldn't be me.

So, what happened?

Well…the day after my birthday I needed a refill on a medication.  I had mentioned in passing to the nurse that my test was a faint positive, so in order to refill the medication I had to have quants drawn.  I had blood drawn in the morning and by 15:00, it was confirmed…the test was PoSiTiVe!  We would have known sooner, but the printer  at work was jammed.  It wasn’t till the afternoon that the floodwater of faxes came pouring through.  I wasn’t aware till later that a friend had seen the results and did me a favor by keeping it a secret…even from me.  I texted Maund, who was working on some tunes upstairs in the music room.  I walked over to the staircase and he walked over to the top of stairs.  We smiled at each other and he asked, “for reals?”  I confirmed it.  I ran upstairs and we cuddled on the couch in shock.  I was so excited; Maund was speechless.

Over the next couple of days I had additional quants drawn.  In that time we talked about a savings account and college funds.  We discussed maternity leave and insurance policies.  I searched for information on dietary needs, baby names, and nursery ideas.  It was finally happening…or so we thought.

I started spotting and didn’t think too much about it.  I knew it was normal to have a “period” or bleeding early into the pregnancy.  Wednesday; another blood sample.  Thursday, my day off, I get a call and was informed that the hormone levels were dropping.  

I swear my <3

                       <3

                            <3

                                 <3 dropped, too.

 I did my best to hold it together, but as soon as the call ended I fell apart.  I was alone.  I freaked out Bear.  I contemplated calling Maund, but I didn’t want to ruin his day.  I wanted to call someone, but no one knew.  I wanted to call my sister and my mom, but the last thing I wanted was to worry them.  And to make matters worse, during my errands that day I had purchased What to Expect When You’re Expecting at Half Price Books. I cried in the kitchen and on the couch.  I couldn't stand it so I drove around to get my mind off things.  I cried in the car, I cried in the store, I cried in traffic.  I came home and cleared out some stuff from my kitchen cabinets and went to donate it, I cried there, too. Driving around after getting the news I wanted someone to hit my car.  It was a rainy day and I figured someone would hit me.  I wanted someone to blame.  I wanted to be mad at someone.  Is that crazy?

That night I started bleeding. I cried with my husband. I tossed and turned all night and was anxiety ridden about what to expect.  Will it be like a period or will it be a little more painful?  I work at a gynecologist's office and I deal with these things day in and day out.  Why was this still so extremely difficult? The only thing that got me through that night was the sound of Maund’s heartbeat, which had gotten me through so many worries before, but still I quietly cried myself to sleep.

At work the next day, I was cooped up in the path lab.  I was thankful to be away from the hustle and bustle of a session day.  Still bleeding and my defenses up, I knew I had to be strong and work to get my mind off of things.  At that moment, Yvonne popped in to say hi and in seeing her kind face I lost it.  She was such a comfort, even if she doesn’t know it.  It was such a relief and a release.   

I don't claim to have had a bond with my baby just yet, I don't claim to know the pain of the loss in the 2nd or 3rd trimester, but how can I be soooo sad?  I go about my day as normal, I’m happy but every now and then it hits me. The sadness comes and goes, but for the most part I can fight it back.  I cried a couple of times afterwards and my husband didn’t know what to say.  I asked him how he felt and he just keeps repeating, “you said it was common early in the pregnancy.”  My heart hurts and I feel like I’m going through this alone.  No one understands me and I don’t even think I understand what I’m feeling.  Where do I begin to mend this broken heart?