tuffiamoci!

Yesterday was awesome! I'm really glad I got to enjoy Barton Springs Pool with you. You looked so good! The whole point of Monday was to make sure your birthday week got off to a great start. I think finding a front parking spot was a good omen. Ya know, come to think of it, I don't think I've ever parked that close during swimming season.

There are just so many things about yesterday that made me so happy. Being in the sun, eating Pulparindo*, having you massage the lotion on my back, seeing you sporting shades, huddling together for warmth in that crazy cold water, pub food & $1.50 margaritas at Sean Patrick's, hanging out on the banks of the San Marcos River until everyone was gone, spotting the moon through all the cloud cover on our cliff. Yeah, man, yeah -_-

I don't know if you noticed, but diving in the pool was another classic example of Aries/Leo. I was thinking about it last night and it may just be my favorite part about yesterday. You had absolutely no qualms about just diving in! Yet there I clung to the wall, terrified of the worst case scenario what-ifs. Just from my perception, you were so patient. You let me get comfortable and try all these different points of entry and still I was scared to jump in. Even after you jumped in and survived, I was hesitant. Not becos of the temperature, but becos I couldn't see the bottom and didn't want to drown. I know that sounds silly, becos there are a million lifeguards there AND those 3 women were a foot away (surely they knew how to swim). But seeing you jump made me want to do it, too. Even though I saw your success, I was still too timid to try. 

I don't know what it was that gave me enough courage to dive in? Maybe I didn't want to get left behind? The more and more I thought about that experience, the more it seemed to parallel our lives. You wrote, "Our marriages were not the same, and neither will our divorces be." You dove in and tested the waters just like you began this process of a divorce. I did reconnoissance of the area to determine where I wanted to enter just like I took time to decide that divorce was a right decision. You made it look so easy to jump in and out of the freezing water just like you made coming to a decision and going through with this divorce look easy. I struggled for a bit to overcome my fear of jumping in to that same freezing water just like I struggled for so long to tell Maund that I wanted a divorce. But through all of this, you were patient. I wouldn't be able to do this without you and I have a feeling that there are so many other things we will learn from each other...soon.

I admire your strength, my darling, and I'm glad to have you in my life. 

Happy 26th Birthday, Love!

*I apologize in advance for probably giving you lead poisoning. Well, that's what the wiki page says. Umm, yeah, Sorry and I Love You :)

il primo passo

3/5/2011 @ 06:00

Saturday morning I woke up for work and decided to take a test.  As you may know it's best to take a test with the first urine of the day becos it's more concentrated.  So I laid it out while I showered.  I figured this would give it enough time and I would be focused on getting clean instead of pacing the floor waiting for a result.  Faint Positive! And no, it doesn't mean you're a little bit pregnant, but in a way it kinda does. ;)

You would think my initial reaction would be to jump for joy, but it wasn't.  My first emotion was anxiety.  I want so bad to be happy, but I'm scared I'll miscarry again.  I'm scared that if that does happen that I won't be able to handle it.  I mean obviously I will overcome whatever happens, but I don't know how long it would take to get over another broken heart.

I guess I already knew that I was pregnant.  I have been falling asleep more.  I started feeling nauseous that Wednesday evening then again Thursday evening.  That was the true test becos at 219 West I smelled the calamari appetizer when no one else did.  I think I asked Yunuen, "Do you smell that?" and instantly her and Smalls shrieked "Tranny!"  It wasn't disgusting, but I definitely smelled the fishiness.  And as much as I wanted to delve into that platter of fried calamari-O's, I stopped myself becos I'm not sure if that's one that has too much mercury.

All weekend long I teetered between excitement and anxiety until Monday when I phoned Dr. K.  I called and reported my positive test and said, "I know this sounds like a silly question, but What do I do now?"  The receptionist giggled and assured me that it wasn't a silly question.  She explained that I would have HCG Quants drawn today and again on Wednesday.  If the levels are increasing then we will proceed with an ultrasound in 2 weeks.  

*********

The last time I prayed was on "Snow Day 2011" for courage to navigate the frozen roads to work.  Lucky for me, I was one of only 3 dumbasses on the road.  So prayer answered; I made it in one piece at 20mph which apparently is speeding when driving on ice.  Prior to that was the night before my birthday.  I asked God to give me strength to accept whatever result I got from the test.  And when it came out faint positive I was grateful.  I then had to ask for strength and patience to get through the heartache.  

I really want this.  I just hope that this is really it.