dieci anni fa

10 years ago I was a junior at UT.  I was living in my very first apartment with 2 sorority sisters at Riverside Place with a great view of the Texas-shaped pool.  

10 years ago I was getting ready for my Texas History class with Dr. Neil Foley.  I had just gotten out of the shower and turned on the TV to watch the Today show.  The images on included the World Trade Center with smoke billowing out.  I didn't think anything of it and there weren't really any captions, so I went about my business and got dressed.  I noticed that the image hadn't changed in a couple of minutes and stopped what I was doing to watch.  I didn't understand what was happening.  Was there a fire?  There's was tons of smoke.  

10 years ago I called to my roommates, who for some odd reason didn't have a TV in the living room, and told them the tower was on fire.  It was a definitely a must watch moment.  I don't know if they were ignoring me or had other things to do, but as I sat in front of the TV on my bed I watched as the other tower was hit by a plane.  For a surprise attack, it was definitely well-documented.  The images of people falling and the towers crashing down are something you can't forget, no matter how hard you try.

Did you ever watch Signs with Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix?  There's a part where Phoenix is watching the alien sighting from Brazil being broadcast over the news and he's taken aback by the images.  I imagine that's what I did when I saw the tower get hit.  It was definitely surreal.

10 years ago I remember hearing a report that the Pentagon had been hit.  

I immediately busted out my cellphone and dialed Zora.  

No answer. 

I left a message and then called Gina.  

No answer.  

Last resort, I called Lil Chris.  

No answer.  

My sorority sisters and ex had gotten fabulous internships in DC and decided to room together.  Their house was located a couple blocks from the Pentagon.  Eventually, someone called back and let us know that everyone was okay and a little shaken up.

10 years ago after what felt like hours, it was said that all air traffic was halted and people were to proceed with caution.  I didn't want to get an absence, so I decided to head to class.  I was worried that Austin would be a target considering that President Bush had recently taken office and was the former Governor of Texas. I don't know why I thought Austin would be a worthy target, but I did.  I jumped on the bus and kept an eye on the sky in case I saw any activity.  Nothing.  In passing by the Capitol, the gates were barricaded by state troopers.  No one was getting in or out.  I finally got to class at Garrison Hall and Dr. Foley announced that due to the events of that morning class would be cancelled.  I don't think I attended any of my other classes that day, either.  The rest of the day is  a blur, but I do remember feeling uneasy, unsettled, and scared.

After those events, stuff changed. 

People changed.

The country changed.

And in a way, intelligence changed.

I don't mean reconnaissance; well it definitely did.

I mean ignorance skyrocketed. 

I remember being able to drive through the Capitol grounds to get to class.  Especially, if I was in a hurry, it helped to shave off a good five minutes.  Since September 11, 2001, only senators and representatives are able to drive on to the property.  I've also heard from photographers that taking pictures has become slightly more constricted due to worries of military and government intelligence.  

I remember there was a radio ban on certain songs.  o.O you ask?  The one that sticks out in my mind is Drowning Pool.  They had a pretty popular song the year before called "Bodies" and it was banned becos the song starts out:

     Let the bodies hit the floor.
     Let the bodies hit the floor.

     Let the bodies hit the floor.

     Let the bodies hit the...FLOOR!

Why is it that the Arts have to suffer in times of tragedy? If anything, it's a means of healing and coping. It's medicine for the soul. It just seems really backwards to me.

So what am I doing 10 years later?

September 11, 2011, at midnight, Maund and I, George and Kiera, and Maund's parents were huddled around the kitchen table talking about random things and enjoying BBQ, sweets, and drinks.  Earlier, my brother-in-law, Isaac, had passed out in his chair at the table.  As a drunk he has kick ass balance.  My sister-in-law was sprawled out in all her pregnant glory on the couch dozing in and out of sleep.  My kids were surrounding the table waiting for food scraps.

This morning I slept in till 09:00.  Once downstairs and connected to the internet, I realized that I had missed all the 9/11 coverage from the early morning.  I honestly forgot how early I would wake up for the class and that these events all happened before 10:00 10 years ago.

I think Maund and I are finally gonna tell his folks what's been going on with us and our losses.  Not to make them sad, but to include them more in our lives.  I already had the chance to tell  my parents the day after my birthday party, and honestly, a little weight was lifted off my shoulders when I did.  Maybe this is what we need for some closure.

For those who spent the night, we feasted on breakfast fare and no one mentioned 9/11.  I don't think anyone remembered and I didn't feel like bringing it up, either.  For the rest of the day I may read and write.  Also, no memory could be complete without talking to you. That's one thing that I'd like to remember when someone asks me, "So, what did you do 10 years after the tragedy of 9/11?" 

I talked to you. <3

malinconica

16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom are just a couple of my guilty pleasures.  I HEART reality TV! Last night was 16 & Pregnant: Adoption Special and I was stoked becos earlier I had spent a little over 4 hours in an Adoption Resources training for work.  It's interesting that in all the seasons of these shows, only 3 cast members had chosen adoption.  One cast member had a scheduling conflict and wasn't on the show and the two that did attend were on different ends of the spectrum.  I mean, there was one girl who was completely confident that she made the right decision and takes pride in the fact that her daughter is with a great couple.  The other girl stated that she regret her decision and wondered why no one stopped her and goes on to ask if no one thought she could do it by herself?  Well...she chose to do a kin adoption and a month after relinquishing her rights she calls her aunt and uncle and asks for the baby back.  She then goes on to care for the baby for a minute and gives her back to the aunt and uncle.  It goes to show that a teen can't understand that permanency is best for a baby.

But in watching this special it was heartbreaking to see that these girls were experiencing such a grief at such a young age.  Another section of the special showed how there is a support group for teen mothers who have chosen adoption.  It got me thinking and I started doing a search for support groups here in Austin for myself.  I figured a good resource was The Bump since it covers all aspects of pregnancy.  What I didn't consider was that the last time I had visited this site was when I was pregnant.  So when I logged on I was greeted with a message in happy, obnoxious writing exclaiming "YOU'RE 22 WEEKS PREGNANT!"  I about lost it. I immediately edited my profile and made a couple of changes to memorialize this loss. 

I had trouble getting to sleep and when I decided to go to bed I ended up crying into my favorite pillow.  I didn't want to wake my husband, plus he was already annoyed with work that he had brought home.  Seriously annoyed would be a better term.  I hate when he gets into these moods.

I feel alone. I know I'm not, but I can't help but feel so lonely.

un ricordo

I'm feeling a little nostalgic today.  There are so many emotions present that make me look back and wonder "what if?" I ask myself, "Why are you beating yourself up?" I don't have an answer and I don't pretend to, but one day I would like to find one. 

Tomorrow is cycle day 13 and I'll be having an ultrasound to look at my ovaries.  My doctor will be able to tell if the follicles are ready to let loose and if not, then hormones, Hormones, HORMONES!  You guessed it, I'll be pumped full of hormones to cause the egg to release.  Is this what it feels like to be a chicken?  Don't poultry get juiced up with hormones to make'em taste extra yummy?

I hope this works.

I opened up The Qur'an earlier this evening.  I was compelled to pick it up for guidance and the marker fell on Súra Luqmán (Ch 31) 34th ayat:

Verily the knowledge of the Hour is with God (alone). It is He Who sends down rain, and He Who knows what is in the wombs. Nor does any one know what it is that he will earn on the morrow: Nor does any one know in what land he is to die. Verily with God is full knowledge and He is acquainted (with all things).

It kinda helped me to realize that I should let go.  There are some things that are out of my control and I need to find peace to accept that.  This is something that I will work towards.