AUGUST 15, 2007 entry taken from my previous blog
AUGUST 2006 - Let's see…it was a little over a year ago that Nani called and asked to take me out on the town for my birthday (a week after the actual day). Hey, is it too much to ask for your own sister to remember your birthday? I didn't mind it, after all this would be a night of barhopping with my big sis.
The big day arrived and lo and behold, Nani shows up in sweats. I figured she was gonna get ready at the apartment and then we'd head downtown. WRONG! Her main purpose for visiting was not the fun she so promised. On the contrary, it was to tell me that mum and pops were getting divorced. That memory will forever live on in my mind and no matter how hard I try to ignore the reality, it's evident that we're no longer a family.
I decided to call my folks and confirm the details and sure enough they were true. Mum and Pops felt it better to have my sister tell me as opposed to face me themselves. It was only a day later that my denial disappeared and the tears flowed.
SEPTEMBER 2006 - I called to see how my folks were doing on their "anniversary." The two psychos decided to celebrate their 35th anniversary becos "technically, we're still married" was their excuse.
For the life of me, I couldn't figure them out. They were divorcing and the best of friends. Mum decided to move out of the house and Pops bought her a new TV to christen her new place. Mum also found enough time to cook an occasional meal for Pops and help him tidy up the place. Years of memories these two shared and a strong bond forged amongst them.
But how do a 25 and 34 year old get over their parents divorcing? It's not as though it was an abusive relationship. No physical, no mental, no emotional abuse. No hard feelings, but our parents expressed a long for the pursuit of happiness. And it begs the question, "Where was the happiness before?" Was it non-existent? Was it a different type of happiness? What was it?
I saw my parents' marriage as a template for my own marriage. I was to follow their same plan to fortify that I could one day achieve 35+ years of marriage with my spouse; but for what purpose? This situation left more questions than answers and the questions keep on multiplying.
NOVEMBER 2006 - My sister made it clear that my brother-in-law did not want to host Thanksgiving, Pops wasn't sure what his plans were, and Mum wanted to spend it with her mother. I didn't see the point in going home, so I didn't. Yet, that evening I decided to call to my sister's house only to find out that both Mum and Pops had stopped by and they were enjoying their holiday. I was jealous. I was sad. I was confused. I was angry. But most of all, I wanted to be sitting in my sister's house, seeing Pops passed out in front of the big screen watching old westerns, discussing life w/ my Mum and Nani, and catching up w/ my nieces. But I was miles away and unable to join them…and the tears flowed.
DECEMBER 2006 – The divorce was final and no one told me anything. I only found out after my mother said that she had started seeing someone new. It raised questions and as far as I know, she met Phil after the divorce.
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I'm scared to go home. I can't bring myself to go back there. The furthest I get is to my sister's house in Creekwood. The last time I went to that God forsaken town was when my bestfriend got married in Uvalde, in 2005. I have no need to go back there. There is absolutely nothing waiting for me there…only Mum and Pops. Why would I want to visit my house if my Mum isn't there? Why would I want to visit her new place if my Pops isn't there? It's not the same and as much as I want to forget all of this, my heart aches from heartbreak and anxiety becos there is not a damn thing I can do to remedy the situation.
The terms of the divorce are absolutely ridiculous and should never have been agreed upon. The very thought that my Pops will have to sell the house that he's slaved over his entire life to pay my mother her half. Don't get me wrong, I love my Mum, but had the situation been reversed I would have these same feelings if my Mum had to sell the house to compensate for the half. Becos of the agreement, my Pops has to pay my Mum 50% of the buying price becos my Mum is "selling" her half to my Pops so that he can stay there. That house is not worth what it used to be. My Pop's dream was to buy a house, pay it off, grow old, and enjoy his years. My Pops can't afford and I definitely can't afford it w/ my new mortgage. So he must sell the house. I now realize that my folks threw away 20yrs worth of paychecks, they must now start paying "rent", move to the city to be closer to work, and the cycle continues. No rest, must work to get by and pay bills and rent. That work was supposed to be over for them and sadly it's starting over.
Fast forward to the present. I finished talking w/ my sister who is waiting for my brother-in-law to get served. She tells me that Mum had come over to her house and was more than upset becos Pops told her not to come over to the house anymore and to give him back the key, too. We think Pops is seeing a lady from work who is also rumored to be a Jehovah's Witness, and maybe this lady is uneasy about the friendship my folks have. Frankly, I'm not happy about Pop's lady friend. I think of myself as a pretty open-minded person, but I'm not happy about the lady's religion. I don't agree with it when it affects my family. I don't want her to date my father. I don't want her to join my family becos then she will have final sayso over his health. After the whole Selena scandal, I think it's safe to say that if my father needed a blood transfusion I WOULD NOT DENY him one. We have the technology, let's use it PEOPLE!
I was furious at the news my sister had and decided to call my father. Our conversation was normal and nothing was resolved. There was no conflict there. And when I asked when was a good time to visit, he said "anytime, your mom has the key so if I'm not here, she can let you in."
So since there was no drama there, I called my Mum and she was fine. She didn't mention a single thing about the key. But she brought up the fact that the last time she was at Pop's that she saw an invitation announcing a birthday party for my father, my late grandmother, and another aunt on his side. Okay, I understand if my mother wasn't invited, but we're his daughters! Where's my invite? Why am I soooooooo mad? I don't even like Pop's family! I hate all of them except for my Tio Nene and my Tia Rosi.
It's my own damn fault. I've isolated myself from that world. I left that world and never looked back. I don't even talk to my Mum's side of the family, but I have no hard feelings there. I'm content w/ my life in Austin. And I've realized that the only reason I don't talk to my immediate family as much as I used to is becos it makes me sad. In my mind I see my parents in their house, sharing their dinners and growing old together. I see them doing everyday things together and now that's gone. I can't come to terms that they are seeing other people and that they're probably doing those very things I listed, but with other people. I can't get over it and it makes me sad and I choose to ignore that part of my life. I choose to live in Austin, I choose to not call home every other day or every week for that matter. I choose to not cry. I choose to not dwell on the house crisis. I choose to be ignorant of the ongoing dilemma. Ignorance is bliss or else the tears flow. And through all of this, my zemër lies halfway across the world.
If you even get half way through these ramblings…thank you. I don't know how else to get my frustrations out. I tried to guide the events, but the last page is chaotic.
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