un giorno da dimenticare

So this is what it feels like to lose someone you love.
Wow.
Today, it feels like my world slipped away.
I know I shouldn't care or wonder where and how you are.
But I can't hide the hurt inside my broken heart.
But I know I'm not supposed to love you anymore.

"I'll find so many things to do that I won't have the time to think of her.
And then if she's still on my mind I'll try to drink enough to drown the hurt.
And if that don't work...

I'll think of something."

You know the funny thing is I still can't bring myself to bite my nails!  That's stupid, right? And all this because you made that remark.

I can't give you what you want right now.

I don't know why I thought I could?

I tried to plan things out, when what I should have done was jumped.  

A leap of faith.

It's true, though, you're better off without me. 

You can focus on school. Fall in love. Work in something you love! Have babies. 

You deserve that more than anyone else I know.

Today you said "there's no one day."  I read that as we were closing up the office in Killeen and my heart dropped.  Yet another reason to add to the "Killeen cons" list.  Nothing good ever comes out of Killeen.

But I don't believe it.  

"I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. 

I will see her every now and then, and... 

Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody, 

and it's gonna take a long time... 

And then it's perfect. 

I'm in no rush."

The love that I have for you isn't something that will fade.  If anything, it's allowed me to see the changes I need to make. To be happier with myself. To be happier with life, eventhough it feels impossible right now. 

I feel sad, lost, angry. At one point I was trying to rationalize things and thought, "He doesn't mean it.  It's like pushing someone away when you don't want to. Tough Love." But as I sit here writing, my heart is aching becos I know that's not the truth, is it?

One day, I hope to see you.  

I hope to see you smiling back at me.  

I hope to look into your kind eyes and see my good friend. 

But until then, I'll wait. 

Even if it takes another lifetime. 

mi dispiace, caro mio

I'm feeling a little lost. I hope you're doing better than I am. You deserve so much more than this and I'm truly sorry. If you'd like to talk, I'm here. If not, I'll understand...eventually. 

Leone codardo

"Dan Burns: What don't I understand, Cara? Please, help me out. What is it? 
Is it frustrating that you can't be with this person? 
That there's something keeping you apart? 
That there's something about this person that you can connect with? 
And whenever you're near this person, you don't know what to say, 

and you say everything that's in your mind and in your heart, 

and you know that if you could just be together... 

that this person would help you become the best possible version of yourself?"

Dan in Real Life

ad occhi chiusi

I want to shout out loud how much I Love You! My mind always wanders to you and I wonder what is this hold you have over me? I see you when I close my eyes.  I see you smiling back at me.  I see the intensity in your eyes.  I saw my reflection in your eyes and I knew that it belonged there.  I knew I wanted to see myself there.

vagare

infastidita

*jaw tight, through my teeth* 

When my kid is throwing up, I don't want you to sit on the couch and watch her.  You need to go to her and let her know you're there for her.  When her tummy gets upset, her stomach or diaphragm starts to heave and her whole body starts to make the same motion.  It takes some coaxing to get her off the carpet and to the kitchen, but this morning she went there on her own.  She's such a good girl. 

All I remember hearing was, "Oh, Bear!" and you stayed on the couch.  I ran from my study and got her better situated in the kitchen.  I rubbed her back, waited patiently for her to puke and then studied it to make sure it's wasn't anything serious.  Meanwhile, you're still on the couch.

Once it's all over, I had to fend off the other 2 becos they're so curious about this putrid substance. Finally, you come over after pausing your show, get a bowl of water and napkins for the mess.

***

Maybe it's a mom thing.  I remember getting bloody noses and my mom taking care of me.  I remember having an upset tummy, and my mom rubbing my back and getting me water.  Just sitting next to me by the toilet. When I see this happen to my furkids, I feel like crying becos I can't do anything to stop it.  Yes, I'm grossed out by it all, but I suck it up for these kids.

As an adult, I've rarely  had an occasion where I got completely shit-faced and wound up puking my guts out.  Two.  TWO times and I'm a lousy up-chucker. For some odd reason I find myself yelling as I'm up-chucking.  Not on purpose, but my vocal chords are somewhat vocal when I vomit.  Now, my bouts with food poisoning...well that's a different story.

When I'm throwing up, please, please, please, just be there.  I'm a crier.  Rub my back.  Get me water.  Hold my hair. Human touch is comforting.  Don't stand outside the door.  Don't ask if I'm okay.  If I was okay I wouldn't be ear-deep in a toilet bowl. Don't continue sleeping.  Just be there.

inquietudine

All day I wanted to talk to you.
I was restless becos I wanted to talk to you.
I wanted to listen to the music I burned for you.
All day I thought about you.
I was distracted.
And for other reasons I was angry and sad and not myself.
But then you appeared to save the day,
And I was thankful.

I need you.
I love you.
and
I'm sorry.