il mio cuore V

Taken at the Fredericksburg Brewing Company Biergarten in Fredericksburg, TX. November 2011.

il mio cuore IV

Taken on the beach of San Felipe, Baja California. September 2008.

il mio cuore III

Taken outside at work. April 2007.

due mesi

8 weeks. Eight weeks was all I got.
 And I really thought this was it, ya know?

I was trying not to get excited, but even at last week's ultrasound I was happy to see the heartbeat. And even though it was slow I was hoping things would pick up.

Dr. K asked me if I wanted to look at the monitor while he looked and I said no. But I peeked and could see that he was trying too hard to find the little pulse that was so easy to find last week.

I've been trying to keep my mind off things, but I find myself getting sad if left alone too long with my thoughts.

I'm taking a break after this. I need to focus on me for a little bit. If I were happier with myself would I have better luck?

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cinquantenne

Ever have those moments when you feel like you can't do anything right?
I've felt like that for a while now. A long while.
I wish I could be 50 year old me just to see how life turned out.  Just push the FFwd button.

livelli

Dr. K had me do some bloodwork this morning to check on the pregnancy hormone levels.
Nov 28 - 642
Dec 01 - 2444
Dec 03 - 3769
Dec 05 - 5973

Progress is slow. The numbers are supposed to double every two days.  Dr. K says he's hopeful if the numbers are growing by atleast 50%, but I can't help but feel scared.

What's wrong with me? I know he's hopeful, but I think I know too much.  I think I'm expecting too much that it's messing with my head. Am I ever gonna have my own child? Is this ever gonna happen for me? Am I that miserable that I'm doing this to myself? What's going on? 

Today I am sad.

But today, all was not lost.

guaio

esasperante II

Around 18:00 I found a drop of blood and freaked out.  I called my doctor and we discussed what/what not to do.  The bleeding has stopped, but now I feel sick.

Really? Really? I thought this was it. What could I have done differently? 

I lied in bed and felt nothing. Maund tried to comfort me, but I still felt nothing.  He knew I had been craving lemon pepper wings from Plucker's and offered to grab some for dinner. I agreed and decided to sit up in bed, but the minute I did so I began to sob.  Once I was feeling a little better he took off to get me some dinner.

I kinda feel defeated eventhough I don't know what's going on.  I can't give up just yet.  Nothing's been confirmed.  But still I can't help shake the memory of having breakthrough bleeding and then miscarrying a week and half later.  And you know what's not fair, getting to listen to my baby's heartbeat and not hearing it the next week.

Was it stress? Was it working in the path lab for 6 hours straight without taking a break? Was it from hanging out with my cat too much? Was it the humidifier? Was it allergies? What was it?!?! What am I gonna do if this happens again? 

Dr. K said to call him on Sunday for an update and possibly go in on Monday morning for an ultrasound. All I can do is wait, huh?

I really miss you.

lvivske

First thing I see when I wake up each morning...

...Last thing I see when I go to bed each  night.

inverno, primavera, estate o autunno

This morning I picked up my phone to say "Good Morning!" and I had to put it down.  "You're an idiot," I told myself.
This is how my day started.
I jumped in the car and this was the first song playing on my iPod...

"Ain't it good to know? Ain't it good to know?"

The next song was Paul McCartney's "(I Want To) Come Home" and then my stupid iPod played Roy Orbison's "Crying." How could it possibly know the mood I was in?

I remember this was the first song I shared with you in our exchange. It was for you, becos you are dear to me. I also remember the joy I felt when I walked into my fav store and saw the music box that plays a snippet of it.  It was for you.  And when I walked in to find it on your desk I knew it had always been for you.

I also like this song and it means so much more now.  I think this video is beautiful.

"I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought that I'd see you again."

I don't belive it. I won't quit. I won't give up on you, on us.

In advance, I'd like to say, "Goodnight" and "Good Morning, <3"