è così che se ne va

"You're too sweet...That's really sweet."

late night dinner

"You're in the corner. No one puts baby in the corner."

"Darling. Darling.  Love." (in a British accent)

fist pump

goodbye

preflight call

beto

In the studio - Sept 23-26

 

Pecan Street Festival - Sept 25

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abbracci

Tuesday was a short day at the office.  I still needed to schedule my follow up to surgery, but managed to put it off the past week.  I figured I would have to wait till the following week, but luckily, Dr. K had an opening. His mom fit me in to the afternoon schedule and it was a great visit!

I've mentioned in a previous post that Dr. K is my cheerleader.  His attitude and disposition is something that gives me hope.  When he walked in to the exam room he greeted me with a friendly "HI!" and a bear hug.  I like hugs.  It made me feel more like a friend/family as opposed to a regular patient.  

Earlier, when I was waiting in the lobby I had sent Maund a text: 

"Don't be mad, but I got out early today and Dr. K had an opening. Sorry." 

I know he wanted to be there for this appointment, but deep down I really feel it's becos he's more interested in skipping work than the issue at hand.  

"I'll take good notes. I promise :)"

First, Dr. K reviewed my questions and symptoms following the procedure.  Since everything seemed fine, I was released from restrictions which included no blood thinners, no vaginal activity, and no exercising/strenuous activity.  Second, we reviewed the findings of the procedure.  The results were just as expected, a benign polyp. Finally, we reviewed a new plan of action.

1. Continue prenatal vitamins

2. Call on the first day - full flow of my next menstrual cycle

3. Start a baby aspirin regimen (81mg/day)

4. Start Clomid to prime my follicles

5. Ovidrel injection to release egg(s)

6. Start Progesterone supplement

7. Weekly ultrasound to check development until Week 10

8. Transfer to my regular Ob/Gyn **Fingers Crossed**

I'm good with this plan.  I feel revitalized and ready to take on the world!  This is a completely different story from Monday.

Monday morning, my in-laws had joined Ang at her ultrasound to determine the sex of the baby.  All weekend long we took bets and the consensus was that she was having a girl.  So when my mother-in-law phoned me Monday morning, I was surprised when she said, "Well, it's a boy!"  I asked her to congratulate Ang and went about my day off.  I didn't have anything planned, but I decided to go shopping for things I don't need but have wanted and put off for awhile.  I found 1 thing on my list and the rest of my trip was pretty much a bust.  I was disappointed.

Back at home, I started over analyzing everything.  I started getting really angry and cried a little.  I was jealous and felt like the world was conspiring against me. Why is Ang pregnant? Why does Ang get to have the February/March/April baby? Why does Ang get a boy? In all honesty, I've always wanted a baby boy.  I have nothing but boy names picked out. I have 1....ONE girl name.  I sound crazy, I know.  I sound like a whiny, self-centered bitch. I know! I told myself I would just swallow these horrible thoughts and leave it alone, but I can't.  It's killing me not to be able to speak my mind.  I feel now like I can't be choosey or express what I want, like I have to settle for what's given to me.  It just makes me angry! 

This is how it was supposed to happen: 

Maund is the first born and we were supposed to have the first grandchild.  It really didn't matter what we had as long as we were first.  IF we didn't have the first grandchild then the only way to redeem ourselves was to have a boy to carry on his last name.  Now since the first grandchild is gonna be a boy coming from their only daughter, that means if we want our kid to be loved and showered with gifts equally then we have to have a girl.  And that's probably what's gonna happen.  I'll have a girl and give her a boy's name becos I hate female names.  I don't want a girl.  I've always wanted a boy.  I can work with a girl. 

I know it will be different once I'm pregnant and bonding with the baby, but ugh, I'm so mad!!!! Just thinking about this is frustrating.  Maybe I should give up and adopt.  

Yep, that's what I'll do.  Male Asian baby, it is!

cavalli

Happy Birthday, Pops!

Why is it that it takes losing someone close to make  you appreciate the others around you?

After Tio Nene's funeral, my sister said to me, "Now we have to share Dad with Lisa and Patty." And when I told Lisa what Nani had said, she agreed.  It was the silent assumption that Pops needs to go to all his doctor's office visits and follow orders.  Who knows what the future holds?  My Pops is stubborn, and he's so close to retiring that I'm worried it will be a struggle to corral him. At the same time, who wants to be wrangled? If you've spent your whole life stuck in a pen, is retirement like a horse running free in the wild?

Knowing him, he might turn up unannounced in his dream car, a Ford Mustang.  Or maybe he'll call from some other state telling me he's okay and enjoying a roadtrip.  Or maybe he'll move to a little ranch which he's dreamed about as long as I can remember.  Who knows?

But before I fret about the future, 

today I will rejoice in the fact that my Pops is another year older 

and still...

My Pops!

rifiuto

Beloved,
In what other lives or lands
Have I known your lips
Your Hands
Your Laughter brave
Irreverent.
Those sweet excesses that
I do adore.
What surety is there
That we will meet again,
On other worlds some
Future time undated.
I defy my body's haste.
Without the promise
of one more sweet encounter
I will not deign to die.

"Refusal" by Maya Angelou

dieci anni fa

10 years ago I was a junior at UT.  I was living in my very first apartment with 2 sorority sisters at Riverside Place with a great view of the Texas-shaped pool.  

10 years ago I was getting ready for my Texas History class with Dr. Neil Foley.  I had just gotten out of the shower and turned on the TV to watch the Today show.  The images on included the World Trade Center with smoke billowing out.  I didn't think anything of it and there weren't really any captions, so I went about my business and got dressed.  I noticed that the image hadn't changed in a couple of minutes and stopped what I was doing to watch.  I didn't understand what was happening.  Was there a fire?  There's was tons of smoke.  

10 years ago I called to my roommates, who for some odd reason didn't have a TV in the living room, and told them the tower was on fire.  It was a definitely a must watch moment.  I don't know if they were ignoring me or had other things to do, but as I sat in front of the TV on my bed I watched as the other tower was hit by a plane.  For a surprise attack, it was definitely well-documented.  The images of people falling and the towers crashing down are something you can't forget, no matter how hard you try.

Did you ever watch Signs with Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix?  There's a part where Phoenix is watching the alien sighting from Brazil being broadcast over the news and he's taken aback by the images.  I imagine that's what I did when I saw the tower get hit.  It was definitely surreal.

10 years ago I remember hearing a report that the Pentagon had been hit.  

I immediately busted out my cellphone and dialed Zora.  

No answer. 

I left a message and then called Gina.  

No answer.  

Last resort, I called Lil Chris.  

No answer.  

My sorority sisters and ex had gotten fabulous internships in DC and decided to room together.  Their house was located a couple blocks from the Pentagon.  Eventually, someone called back and let us know that everyone was okay and a little shaken up.

10 years ago after what felt like hours, it was said that all air traffic was halted and people were to proceed with caution.  I didn't want to get an absence, so I decided to head to class.  I was worried that Austin would be a target considering that President Bush had recently taken office and was the former Governor of Texas. I don't know why I thought Austin would be a worthy target, but I did.  I jumped on the bus and kept an eye on the sky in case I saw any activity.  Nothing.  In passing by the Capitol, the gates were barricaded by state troopers.  No one was getting in or out.  I finally got to class at Garrison Hall and Dr. Foley announced that due to the events of that morning class would be cancelled.  I don't think I attended any of my other classes that day, either.  The rest of the day is  a blur, but I do remember feeling uneasy, unsettled, and scared.

After those events, stuff changed. 

People changed.

The country changed.

And in a way, intelligence changed.

I don't mean reconnaissance; well it definitely did.

I mean ignorance skyrocketed. 

I remember being able to drive through the Capitol grounds to get to class.  Especially, if I was in a hurry, it helped to shave off a good five minutes.  Since September 11, 2001, only senators and representatives are able to drive on to the property.  I've also heard from photographers that taking pictures has become slightly more constricted due to worries of military and government intelligence.  

I remember there was a radio ban on certain songs.  o.O you ask?  The one that sticks out in my mind is Drowning Pool.  They had a pretty popular song the year before called "Bodies" and it was banned becos the song starts out:

     Let the bodies hit the floor.
     Let the bodies hit the floor.

     Let the bodies hit the floor.

     Let the bodies hit the...FLOOR!

Why is it that the Arts have to suffer in times of tragedy? If anything, it's a means of healing and coping. It's medicine for the soul. It just seems really backwards to me.

So what am I doing 10 years later?

September 11, 2011, at midnight, Maund and I, George and Kiera, and Maund's parents were huddled around the kitchen table talking about random things and enjoying BBQ, sweets, and drinks.  Earlier, my brother-in-law, Isaac, had passed out in his chair at the table.  As a drunk he has kick ass balance.  My sister-in-law was sprawled out in all her pregnant glory on the couch dozing in and out of sleep.  My kids were surrounding the table waiting for food scraps.

This morning I slept in till 09:00.  Once downstairs and connected to the internet, I realized that I had missed all the 9/11 coverage from the early morning.  I honestly forgot how early I would wake up for the class and that these events all happened before 10:00 10 years ago.

I think Maund and I are finally gonna tell his folks what's been going on with us and our losses.  Not to make them sad, but to include them more in our lives.  I already had the chance to tell  my parents the day after my birthday party, and honestly, a little weight was lifted off my shoulders when I did.  Maybe this is what we need for some closure.

For those who spent the night, we feasted on breakfast fare and no one mentioned 9/11.  I don't think anyone remembered and I didn't feel like bringing it up, either.  For the rest of the day I may read and write.  Also, no memory could be complete without talking to you. That's one thing that I'd like to remember when someone asks me, "So, what did you do 10 years after the tragedy of 9/11?" 

I talked to you. <3