l'ultima giornata d'estate

It seemed to be getting colder and you could feel autumn kickin' in.  But as luck would have it, Texas would be experiencing hotter weather which opened up the opportunity for a final tubing trip of the season!

Our tubing trips always render excitement and mishaps and they've come to an end for the year.  Until next summer!

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una settimana

For one week I was the happiest person in the world. 

For one week I envisioned a lifetime of happiness.

For one week we fantasized about a little “us.”

I found out on my day off that my HCG levels were D

                                                                                 R

                                                                                       O

                                                                                             P

                                                                                                 Ping. 

I wasn't very far into the pregnancy, but my husband and I were ecstatic about finally becoming parents.  I knew that miscarriage in the first trimester was very common, but

I hoped it wouldn't be me.

So, what happened?

Well…the day after my birthday I needed a refill on a medication.  I had mentioned in passing to the nurse that my test was a faint positive, so in order to refill the medication I had to have quants drawn.  I had blood drawn in the morning and by 15:00, it was confirmed…the test was PoSiTiVe!  We would have known sooner, but the printer  at work was jammed.  It wasn’t till the afternoon that the floodwater of faxes came pouring through.  I wasn’t aware till later that a friend had seen the results and did me a favor by keeping it a secret…even from me.  I texted Maund, who was working on some tunes upstairs in the music room.  I walked over to the staircase and he walked over to the top of stairs.  We smiled at each other and he asked, “for reals?”  I confirmed it.  I ran upstairs and we cuddled on the couch in shock.  I was so excited; Maund was speechless.

Over the next couple of days I had additional quants drawn.  In that time we talked about a savings account and college funds.  We discussed maternity leave and insurance policies.  I searched for information on dietary needs, baby names, and nursery ideas.  It was finally happening…or so we thought.

I started spotting and didn’t think too much about it.  I knew it was normal to have a “period” or bleeding early into the pregnancy.  Wednesday; another blood sample.  Thursday, my day off, I get a call and was informed that the hormone levels were dropping.  

I swear my <3

                       <3

                            <3

                                 <3 dropped, too.

 I did my best to hold it together, but as soon as the call ended I fell apart.  I was alone.  I freaked out Bear.  I contemplated calling Maund, but I didn’t want to ruin his day.  I wanted to call someone, but no one knew.  I wanted to call my sister and my mom, but the last thing I wanted was to worry them.  And to make matters worse, during my errands that day I had purchased What to Expect When You’re Expecting at Half Price Books. I cried in the kitchen and on the couch.  I couldn't stand it so I drove around to get my mind off things.  I cried in the car, I cried in the store, I cried in traffic.  I came home and cleared out some stuff from my kitchen cabinets and went to donate it, I cried there, too. Driving around after getting the news I wanted someone to hit my car.  It was a rainy day and I figured someone would hit me.  I wanted someone to blame.  I wanted to be mad at someone.  Is that crazy?

That night I started bleeding. I cried with my husband. I tossed and turned all night and was anxiety ridden about what to expect.  Will it be like a period or will it be a little more painful?  I work at a gynecologist's office and I deal with these things day in and day out.  Why was this still so extremely difficult? The only thing that got me through that night was the sound of Maund’s heartbeat, which had gotten me through so many worries before, but still I quietly cried myself to sleep.

At work the next day, I was cooped up in the path lab.  I was thankful to be away from the hustle and bustle of a session day.  Still bleeding and my defenses up, I knew I had to be strong and work to get my mind off of things.  At that moment, Yvonne popped in to say hi and in seeing her kind face I lost it.  She was such a comfort, even if she doesn’t know it.  It was such a relief and a release.   

I don't claim to have had a bond with my baby just yet, I don't claim to know the pain of the loss in the 2nd or 3rd trimester, but how can I be soooo sad?  I go about my day as normal, I’m happy but every now and then it hits me. The sadness comes and goes, but for the most part I can fight it back.  I cried a couple of times afterwards and my husband didn’t know what to say.  I asked him how he felt and he just keeps repeating, “you said it was common early in the pregnancy.”  My heart hurts and I feel like I’m going through this alone.  No one understands me and I don’t even think I understand what I’m feeling.  Where do I begin to mend this broken heart?

tanti auguri a me

Wednesday, August 4 - A faint positive…could my eyes be deceiving me?  I had taken a test on Saturday before Smalls’ birthday outing and it was completely negative.  I wanted to play it safe so I opted to be the DD for that evening.  And now, on my birthday, the one gift that I’ve hoped for over a year.  I showed Maund and he didn’t believe it all.  He asked me what I thought and I said, “I’ve called this positive before for women coming to the office.”  Maund was shocked and said, “Damn, that’s hardcore!” 

At Rain with the trannies.

I got ready for work and prepared for a day full of surprises.  I was showered with some of the best gifts I could fathom.  Dr. Pepper, a ginormous, floating mug, flowers, cupcakes…the works!  All in all, I made out like a bandit at work. 

That evening we gathered with my best friends (sans 3 important people) at Uchi.  We feasted on sushi, laughed about our college indiscretions, and I shared some thoughts of their importance in my life.  The evening came to a close and so began a much needed mini vacation.  I was in need of break and some time to clear my head.

I was fortunate enough to have visited with some sorority sisters that Friday.  We enjoyed a day at Barton Springs, followed by dinner at Nuevo Leon.  It was fun to dine with sisters and just looked around the table to see Alpha, Beta, and Gamma class.  I had fun catching up with such wonderful women.

That Sunday was the day of my Birthday Tubing Extravaganza 2010.  Many of my close friends and coworkers braved the trip to Canyon Lake to float the Guadalupe.  And through this little trip, it was nice to see everyone just kick and unwind.  We’re always wound so tight at work, it felt good to let loose.  And if you’ve never floated the Guadalupe, I would highly recommend it!  The twists and turns and rapids make for a most excellent adventure…in our experience, the best Birthday Tubing Extravaganza thus far.  Well, the only one, thus far. ;)

nascondino

Our Sundays are always something to look forward to as opposed to any other day of the week. It usually involves a home cooked breakfast, running around with the dogs, and enjoying HGTV. Today was no different, except that I felt the need to do some shopping, clean the upstairs and do a little home improvement! I had to make a laundry list of items to buy and headed out on my own.

It was rather calm at the store. I expected there to be a bigger crowd, but there was barely anyone there. After picking up some much needed items, I headed over to Home Depot to pick out paint samples. My downstairs half bath has been in redesign limbo for close to a year. I have a bad habit of picking colors that are too saturated.  While checking out the Behr All-In-One Paint and Primer, I heard a familiar voice. I turned around and froze. It was my ex-boyfriend Henry. He was talking to one of the employees and I immediately turned back around and managed to sneak my way behind an aisle. I was petrified. I hadn’t seen him in a long time and it was super weird to know that he was at MY Home Depot!

I waited till he was out of sight to go request some paint samples and then decided to walk around the bath area. Lo and behold, I see him and his family pass by and I evade them once again. It was weird to see him and the group of 5. But the thing that bothers me the most about the situation is Henry.

When we dated I was aware he had 2 children and I was fine with not meeting them. I don’t believe our relationship was serious enough and it would be unfair to introduce stranger after stranger to young children. It wasn’t until 7 years later that I became good friends with a woman, who unbeknownst to me, was related to him. She explained that he was the black sheep of the family and how relieved she was that I didn’t end up with this guy. I was shocked at her reaction and I happened to mention his kids. She responded, “Yeah, all 4 of them.” I was perplexed becos both he and his girlfriend had come to my office to take a pregnancy test. I responded to Clem, “You mean all 3 of them?” She clued me in that he had 3 children when I was dating him. I was flabbergasted. How is that possible? Why tell me about two kids and not the third?

Back to the present. After having seen the family of 6 pass by, I couldn’t help but feel that I had dodged a bullet. It felt a little silly playing hide-and-seek even though he had decided to do the same with me years ago. It made me realize that playing games never gets you anywhere. And in order to find true happiness, we should be honest with ourselves before we can devote our lives to another.

la nonna

I guess I’m ready to share.

2010 has had some ups and downs. I’ve experienced death all too much this year. I’ve had 2 uncles (by marriage) that have passed, but the most heartbreaking loss was my grandmother.

Mamá passed away on May 29, 2010. We were having dinner with my colleagues Heather and Grace at Rudy’s when my cousin Lisa called to tell me of her passing. It didn’t fully register until the following day. We were at a wedding rehearsal when I had extended family calling to give condolences. I was getting sadder and sadder by the minute knowing that I had no way of getting to the funeral. Luckily, a couple of my second cousins were planning to make the trip to Mexico and offered to have me tag along.

After getting picked up in Austin @15:30, we stopped in Kyle to pick up a cousin and took off around 16:30. We then stopped in San Antonio to change cars and were joined by their sister and brother-in-law. We were now 5 crammed in a double cab truck on our way to Mexico, another 2 hours away. Once in Mexico we still had an hour drive to Allende.

When we arrived, the city was bustling and the Corona factory greeted us at the entrance. Everything seemed so familiar and different at the same time. The modern world had caught up with this sleepy town, but it was nice to see that it did not consume everyone in its path. It was around 21:30 when we arrived at Mamá’s house only to discover that the whole family was at the funeral home. I was so glad to be out of that car and bummed to think we had to get back in and drive across town. Once reunited with my whole family, I felt more at peace and a rather bittersweet happiness. Happy in the sense that I saw faces I hadn’t seen in at least 10 years, but bitter in the fact that it took my grandmother’s death to bring us together.

We closed the joint down at midnight and drove back to Mamá’s. I stayed up another 2 hours just catching up with my primitas and tias and enjoying a good home-cooked meal. Afterwards, I joined my mom, sister, and 2 nieces for bed, which consisted of sleeping on a blanket on my tio’s cement floor. I barely got any sleep. The next morning we began taking showers in shifts beginning at 06:00.

Lost Maples, TX - 2003

Our group started at the funeral home. We then drove to the next town, Villa Union, to attend a Catholic mass in the town’s oldest and beautiful church. If you’re not Catholic, like myself, and if you’re not Hispanic then you can’t possibly begin to fathom how long a funeral mass can be! These things go on ForEveR! During a Hail Mary and possibly the 5^th time we said the Lord’s Prayer, I swear my soul drifted into another universe and sailed across a supersonic plain and finally crash-landed back in the sleepy town of VU. The group poured out into the street and we proceeded to follow the hearse at a snail’s pace to the cemetery. Mamá would be buried next to Papá and the other children who had already passed. I hadn’t really cried until we reached the burial site. That moment felt like the final good bye. As the mariachis played and the family gathered around the casket, my uncle asked me to sing. I had sung this song plenty of times before and it wasn’t until now that I truly felt its sadness.

Tú eres la tristeza de mis ojos

Que lloran en silencio por tu amor
Me miro en el espejo y veo en mi rostro
El tiempo que he sufrido por tu adios

Obligo a que te olvide el pensamiento
Pues siempre estoy pensando en el ayer
Prefiero estar dormida que despierta
De tanto que me duele que no estés

Como quisiera que tú vivieras
Que tus ojitos jamás se hubieran cerrado nunca
Y estar mirandolos

Amor eterno e inolvidable
Tarde o temprano estaré contigo

Para seguir amándonos

                            "Amor Eterno" by Rocio Durcal

I had woken up that day at 06:00am and the funeral was over by 11:00a. It had happened too fast and I was afraid I hadn’t taken the time to soak it all in: the sights and scents of Mexico, the sound of the sadness and the laughter. We were on the road again by 11:17 and heading back to Austin.

I was so enraged that the drive home seemed to last a lifetime. I was tired, sad, sore, and missed my husband tremendously. Why? I don’t know. Maybe becos to experience such a tragedy without your best friend by your side makes you feel vulnerable. I wanted so much to yell and scream and demand to be taken home right that instant, but I came to my senses and realized if it weren’t for these people I would never have had the opportunity to say goodbye to my dearest Mamá.

It was a little past 18:00 when I set eyes upon my house. I was home again and it felt good.

un'attimo

It's been about a minute since I was last here. Plenty of things have happened in these last two years; however, I'm not ready to share just yet. I hope to spend more time on here just rambling. Maybe you'll come along for the ride!