?

What's wrong with me? What is it?

aceri persi

domande

I filed my petition for divorce today. A part of me was a little sad, but the other part of me was excited to begin this new life. I needed to ask those questions. I just had to. The answers may have been evident, but it was nice to be reassured of them.

***

My birthday came and went this weekend. I tried to enjoy it as much as I could, but I still can't get over the fact that my sister is hurting and I'm the cause. I don't know if we/she can get passed this, but I'm gonna try my hardest to make it right.

Don't get me wrong, brunch at Takoba was nice. Opening my gift at the hill was fun. The Sound of Music at Zilker then dinner at Elizabeth's were magical! But I'm sorry I didn't enjoy myself like I should have. I appreciate everything that went into Saturday night.

ispirazione

When I saw this I fell in love instantly! I wanted to keep it as a reminder and inspiration for my journey. This website is full of sassiness and I can't wait to delve more into it's contents. But I shall save this for another day when I'm not anticipating an exam in 3 days. hehehe

1° giorno

Today was my first day of class. 

Geez, my first college class in a looooooong time! 

I'm ready to get my feet wet and get serious about making these changes happen soon. I don't know if I'll be able to make these changes all at once, but I'm gonna try my hardest.

The professor seems to be very interested in economics and it really shows. I know it's only the first day, but I hope the rest of the semester is as intriguing. 

una lettera da Boo

26 Maggio 2012 alle 09:01

On your anniversary:

I admire you for fighting for your happiness and pursuing what you know you deserve. Not everyone has the heart and courage to do that. I wish you happiness and peace on your anniversary and I know you will have it, don't give up your fight for what you deserve. You are an inspiration and a beautiful person. I'm lucky to have you in my life and I want to tell you that I'm here for you. I'll be thinking about you today.

This was the text I received from Boo this morning. She had been on my mind the minute I woke up becos not only is it my anniversary, but today is their wedding day. One of the first things we discovered about each other was that we both got engaged on Valentine's Day and now we would both be married on May 26. But there is definitely a difference.

to be continued...

facendo melina

Guilty, as charged. 

I have to keep in mind that my personal deadlines are important, but it's not the end of the world if I miss them. I think I feel more embarrassed by missing them which makes me want to set new ones and really stick to them. I soooo remember hitting #3 and #4 recently. Doh!

il Signor Buco

Found this little guy in the kitchen and he looked beat. It seems as though either Petrarca or Gizmo had gotten to him. I picked him up and decided to take him to my desk and look up what kind of caterpillar he was. I got terribly distracted and 2 hours later the little guy was gone! Petrarca had jumped up onto the desk and that's when I noticed he was no longer there. I looked behind the desk, around my books, behind the computer, under the rug, under the chair. He was nowhere to be found!

 Then there he was - scootin' his butt across the foyer floor.

So I gathered him up after taking a couple of pix and finished my caterpillar investigation. Turns out he's an Alypia octomaculata aka the Eight Spotted Forester moth. Since he's not harmful to our area I set him free in my flower bed in the front yard. Otherwise, I would have flushed him down the toilet.

giunchiglie

JayKay had brought daffodils to the office last week to spread a little cheer. She filled a cute glass jar with these yellow beauties and set them on my desk. It was nice to see her feeling better and making every attempt to be healthier. She had been having some health problems lately and today she shared with me that she finally had a name for part of her ailments. 

Today I sat at my desk translating the forms I had just finished last week. It had taken me a good couple of weeks to create them and really, I don't mind it, but today I felt so sleepy. If anything, I bet this weekend is finally catching up with me. And I'm sure it doesn't help that the only natural light I have coming into my office is from the patio door which faces a tree covered courtyard. It's hot, too. The server farm is located in my space, or I should say that my desk is located in the room with the server farm which emits a ghastly amount of heat. That would be a more accurate depiction of the sauna which I call my office, in the heart of Texas, nearing the end of 1st Summer otherwise known as Spring in other parts of the country. o.O

She had left around 11:00 to meet with the boss's wife and reappeared later in the day in a good mood. It's rare to see JayKay in a good mood after these meetings. As soon as she opened her mouth to tell me about their discussion, she burst into tears and hid her face in her hands. I was caught off guard and waited for her to calm down a bit before asking her what was wrong. It turns out that she wasn't sad at all. They were tears of happiness and what she had to say made me seriously think about certain things.

JayKay and Jon recently got engaged during a vacation to Mexico. From what I know, these two have been on & off again for over a decade. It seems like they've been through it all. For being such an attractive couple, one would wonder why their union hadn't happened sooner. JayKay claimed that Jon was immature while Jon claimed that JayKay was bat shit crazy. Who's right? Well, JayKay had an appointment scheduled with an endocrinologist last week and Jon just so happened to have that particular day off. She had asked him to join her for the appointment and figured that they could get their marriage license and cross that off their To Do list for the wedding. Before leaving the county clerk's office the clerk asked them about the wedding date. They mentioned that they hadn't really thought about a date, but were looking at October 2012. Unbeknownst to them, in Texas, a marriage license is only good for 30 days and cannot be used within the first 72 hours of being issued. The clerk apologized for the mistake and offered to give them a refund.  They looked at each other befuddled and in that moment they decided to keep the license. After leaving the clerk's office, Jon asked JayKay if she wanted to get something to eat and they simultaneously chose BurgerTex. Apparently, this had been their eatery all throughout college and just so happened to be across Airport Blvd. from the county clerk's office. After eating, JayKay went to her doctor's appointment and was told that she had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and that if she was thinking about having children, she didn't have the liberty to wait due to her age. She mentioned that was a little tough to hear, but that she was worried about being healthy enough to even contemplate conceiving. She had long ago decided that she didn't want children, but now she admitted that they were definitely in her future, just not this soon. 

Back to today, there she stood talking about how overwhelmed she felt; overwhelmed with happiness. She said it all felt right. From the non-existent wait at a government office, deciding on a wedding date on the fly, BurgerTex across the street, the need to have children within this next year. She was overwhelmed becos she knows that her life will be changing drastically, and soon, but these are all good changes. While she was expressing her happiness and sharing so much and asking questions about my personal life I didn't have the heart to tell her about my decision to get divorced. In fact, I was too overwhelmed with the idea that I hadn't had those moments she was experiencing. 

I was planning to leave Maund before he proposed. Back then I felt ready to get married and waited with each holiday or big event for a proposal. When those events came and went, I was always left disappointed that no proposal had taken place. I told myself that if he did not propose by the end of our lease, that was it. Lo and behold, he proposed 2 months before the lease was up and we took a little over a year to plan for the wedding. I've told our engagement story time and time again, exaggerating here, embellishing there, but it wasn't what I had envisioned. I don't think guys understand that popping the question should be something special. Come to think of it, I didn't even get a question. I saw the ring, which his sister picked out, and got a "So?" I forced my emotions and I remember that feeling. The idea behind Maund's proposal was cute and original, but it's the details that kill me. I've always had these thoughts in the back of my head, but thought it was better not to voice them. Why couldn't I just be grateful and appreciative of his proposal? Becos the details are still nagging at me, just like certain details about the wedding decor. I don't know why these things bother me? Why did he call my Pop to ask for my hand instead of asking him in person? I guess I should be thankful that he even asked, or maybe I'm wrong about that and he only told my folks that he wanted to ask me to get married. Why did he ask his sister to help pick out a ring when I'm not close to her at all? Why not ask Nani or Adrianna, someone who knows my likes/dislikes. Hell, I would have taken Rob's opinion over Angie's! The ring was alright, but there was no real thought put into it. It was an oval shaped cubic zirconia...oval. Oval! At that time I was all about the emerald cut. I would have loved an emerald/radiant/princess/round/asscher cut. I don't need diamonds, why not choose one of my favorite stones? Why not choose something from my favorite color palette? Or maybe a ring I had taken a liking to in passing. I didn't need a $10K ring, I didn't even need a $100 ring, I just wanted...I don't know what I wanted. I guess I wanted too much.

What I realized during that moment with JayKay was that I shouldn't have to embellish a story. I should have appreciated the experience instead of picking it apart. And maybe the reason I was overanalyzing    the proposal was becos I wasn't ready, becos it wasn't right, becos I didn't have those "feelings" that so many women gush over when sharing their engagement stories. Those were my signs and I chose to ignore them. And while part of me is sad to think I may have made a mistake in getting married, would a different string of events have led me to find you? 

-_- III

I really hope you enjoyed your gift!

tuffiamoci!

Yesterday was awesome! I'm really glad I got to enjoy Barton Springs Pool with you. You looked so good! The whole point of Monday was to make sure your birthday week got off to a great start. I think finding a front parking spot was a good omen. Ya know, come to think of it, I don't think I've ever parked that close during swimming season.

There are just so many things about yesterday that made me so happy. Being in the sun, eating Pulparindo*, having you massage the lotion on my back, seeing you sporting shades, huddling together for warmth in that crazy cold water, pub food & $1.50 margaritas at Sean Patrick's, hanging out on the banks of the San Marcos River until everyone was gone, spotting the moon through all the cloud cover on our cliff. Yeah, man, yeah -_-

I don't know if you noticed, but diving in the pool was another classic example of Aries/Leo. I was thinking about it last night and it may just be my favorite part about yesterday. You had absolutely no qualms about just diving in! Yet there I clung to the wall, terrified of the worst case scenario what-ifs. Just from my perception, you were so patient. You let me get comfortable and try all these different points of entry and still I was scared to jump in. Even after you jumped in and survived, I was hesitant. Not becos of the temperature, but becos I couldn't see the bottom and didn't want to drown. I know that sounds silly, becos there are a million lifeguards there AND those 3 women were a foot away (surely they knew how to swim). But seeing you jump made me want to do it, too. Even though I saw your success, I was still too timid to try. 

I don't know what it was that gave me enough courage to dive in? Maybe I didn't want to get left behind? The more and more I thought about that experience, the more it seemed to parallel our lives. You wrote, "Our marriages were not the same, and neither will our divorces be." You dove in and tested the waters just like you began this process of a divorce. I did reconnoissance of the area to determine where I wanted to enter just like I took time to decide that divorce was a right decision. You made it look so easy to jump in and out of the freezing water just like you made coming to a decision and going through with this divorce look easy. I struggled for a bit to overcome my fear of jumping in to that same freezing water just like I struggled for so long to tell Maund that I wanted a divorce. But through all of this, you were patient. I wouldn't be able to do this without you and I have a feeling that there are so many other things we will learn from each other...soon.

I admire your strength, my darling, and I'm glad to have you in my life. 

Happy 26th Birthday, Love!

*I apologize in advance for probably giving you lead poisoning. Well, that's what the wiki page says. Umm, yeah, Sorry and I Love You :)

la conversazione

Wednesday Maund said, "ok, let's talk." I said okay. After all was said and done he said he just wanted to know what was going on with me and that he wasn't prepared for this. He said he wasn't expecting me to say I wanted a divorce. He figured that I was unhappy, but that was the last thing on his mind. He said that he wasn't gonna force me and that if I wanted to leave, he wasn't gonna stand in my way. He cried and was really sad and yet we slept in the same bed that night.

Thursday he was still at the house when I woke up which was unusual, but he had been hanging out downstairs. He called in sick and was so sad, so mopey, that it made me cry. When I got in the car I looked for Oct <3 and Sondre Lerche really lifted my spirits. In the first 10 bars it got me excited about you and about the future. Work was tough and all I wanted to do was call you becos I knew you were worried. 

Well, the day came and went and I was okay for the most part. The drive home was good, too, and  my mood was good until I pulled up to the light before my street. I got sad suddenly and was still sad pulling into the driveway. When I opened the door all the windows were closed, the curtains drawn, it was dark. Maund was still in the same place I had left him that morning. I walked over and checked on him and said 'hey.' I had to run upstairs not only to change out of my work clothes, but mostly becos I couldn't contain how sad I was to have caused him such sadness. I just started bawling and cried into a heap of clothes to muffle my sobs. I walked back downstairs and opened all the windows, the curtains, the patio screen, and then stepped outside to play with the dogs. Maund finally emerged out from under the blanket/pillow cave he burrowed himself into and I apologized for making him feel so sad. He said he had been thinking all day and decided that he wasn't gonna give up without a fight. I told him it wasn't necessary. He said he wanted to see me happy and after more discussion the mood felt a little lighter. 

Yuni called to see if she could stop by and bring Keegster's GRE books. She ended up staying for 3 hours and we all just sat in the the living room talking and laughing and just chatting about other stuff. Things felt normal for just a moment and didn't realize how tired I felt until she left and just thought it would be better to go to bed. I was exhausted from the day's events. We still slept in the same bed and he asked me why I used a spray on my pillow. It was the Sleep spray from Bath & Bodyworks which has really helped me relax recently. Probably moreso now since I gave you the same stuff. It calms my brain.

Today Maund took the day off becos his folks were driving in from Harlingen. My phone was on silent after you called so I didn't see his text asking if I wanted to have lunch. My eye was getting worse so I made an appointment with the eye doctor and at 1430 I called to let him know i was going to an appointment later. I was shocked when he said he was parked outside of my office and he had something for me. He had ordered a flower arrangement...really beautiful stuff...but it was huge and didn't want me to lug it around work and then back home. I went outside and told him they were nice and not at all necessary, and that he could take them back to the house and put them on the dining table. I could tell he felt a little embarrassed, probably since i didn't give him the reaction he was anticipating. In my mind I figured it was too late. Why not shower me with flowers on a regular basis or a couple of years back? Plus, I'm sure flowers are expensive when they're that beautiful. I was worried he spent too much and also, I don't think he's ever cared to know what kind of flowers I fancy. The sad thing is that I would have been content if he had picked a flower while walking the dogs and brought it home. I would have been fine with a leaf off a tree...then, not now. 

The girls at work who don't really know me were swooning over the fact that I got flowers, but Boo eyed me and looked sad. She knows me even though we haven't known each other too long. When I told the girls that Maund was outside, Keegster went into protective bulldog mode and with her piercing blue eyes staring back at me asked, "Are you okay? What do you need?" I didn't need anything, I was okay. I stepped outside to thank him for the flowers, gave him a hug, and sent him home. 

Turns out my eye is okay. Maund went over to his sister's house with his folks. I'm just relaxing and I feel perfectly fine! the windows are open, blinds are up, curtains are open flapping in the wind. I'm good, but his sadness overwhelms me becos I care a lot about his feelings. 

These are things that I don't want to forget. Events that I know I survived and made me just a tiny bit stronger. These are things that I want to share with you. 

a rischio di sembrare...

Step 1: Throw your hat over the fence.

Aries

Fling the hat over the fence.

Leo

Measure the height of the fence. 

Calculate the optimal angle for flinging the hat over the fence.

Calculate the amount of force necessary during flinging process.

Check weather reports for current wind speed and direction. 

Predict landing.

Step 2: Retrieve the hat.

Aries

Climb over fence.

Pick up and wear hat.

Leo

Remeasure the height of the fence. (Just in case the fence dimensions changed recently)

Decide whether to use a ladder or climb over fence.

Weigh the "Pros and Cons" of using a ladder vs. climbing over.

Calculate the amount of force produced during descent.

Check variation between hat landing prediction and actual hat landing.

Before attempting the actual retrieval, double-check processes to ensure successful retrieval.

Once the hat is in possession, inspect thoroughly before use.

i vantaggi

and i will reap the benefits.  

aquiloni

Thanks for my first Zilker Kite Festival! 

 

     

mi manchi II

I find myself missing you more and more each day even though you're right down the street. 

correndo

Last night, I went mobile becos I was going to bed. I apologize for running away. You made me think about the unpleasant traits of my personality, my character, my recent actions when that was the last thing I wanted to do before bed. Especially, after we spent the day drooling over that beautiful mixer and making cucumber waters. I didn't want to go to bed upset becos it would just keep me up. That's why I ran away. 

I ended up tossing and turning either way. What you wrote about cheating and crossing that line, I had already done that 5 years ago when I held your hand. I can admit that to myself now. And I guess I worry about reaching for your hand and it not being there one day. What if you don't agree with this approach I've taken and you'll decide to leave? What if one day you think I hesitated and decide that you're not happy? Last night, I was having trouble resting and I turned to him and said, "I'm not happy in this marriage. I want to fulfill my dreams and goals but I don't see you with me. You are a good man and you deserve to be the most important person in somebody's life." He continued snoring and I felt like I was one step closer. 

I think a marathon is a good metaphor. I'm at the home stretch which I hear is the toughest part of the race. I refuse to give up.

si può fare!

You're gonna kick ass today!

il sentiero

I like urban hiking with you.

Thanks for entertaining my doomsday/post apocalyptic scenarios. Plus, I think you're right and we should start preparing some bug out packs. Maybe we should start a list (hehehe) of items we would need, just in case. Even start working on our balance with the Wii would be a good start. But I really need some hiking boots and I need to get my ankles stronger.

It goes without saying that the best part of our hike was laying in the field.  The sunlight coupled with the cool breeze was enough to make me want to lay out there all day! But honestly, it doesn't matter what we're doing or where we are, as long as I'm with you. That's all I need.

reggiseno rosso

Thanks for the tea ( ^^) _旦~~

And the breakfast taco.
Thanks for letting me listen to this song on the way to Tayo's orthodontist appointment.

Thanks for being honest -_-

Thanks for saying you like me just the way I am...（●＾o＾●）
Red.

The 14th's got nothing on the ♥16th!

crostino

A crouton of deer.
:)
This was all I could think about today.

The 14th's got NOTHING on the 13th!

bolle

Before I forget:
coffee
stroll in the park
chicken tortilla soup
bubbles
chocolate covered strawberries in the driveway*
panko egg plant


Feb 13, my new favorite.

popcorn

I hate the kernels at the bottom that never get popped.  If I wait too long then the whole bag burns.  If I don't wait long enough then I'm left with 1/2 a bag of popcorn and 1/2 a bag of kernels.  Well, becos I was so bummed about the kernel filled bag I wondered, "What would happen if I stuck it back in the microwave?" 

What would happen?

So I rolled up the open end of the bag, placed it in the microwave and within a couple of seconds it was PoPpInG! 

Second Bag...I <3 it! 

I can't believe that I've been throwing away perfectly good kernels! 

Second Bag, all becos I decided not to follow the rules and re-popped the bag. Wow!

Baby steps :)

sospiro

Do you ever sigh and people ask you what's wrong? Nothing is wrong, I'm just compelled to sigh.  Well that's what I did, but instead I just whispered your name. Your name is a breath of fresh air.  I felt a little overwhelmed for a minute today and I whispered your name.  It felt good. Really good, actually. How is it possible that one letter can make all my worries disappear? Huh? Tell me!

Sometimes I wonder what a cardiologist would think about my heartbeat. Erratic? Definitely. It beats faster when you're around, but also I think it would be slower, calmer knowing you're near. Even when you're not around and you pop into my thoughts my heart rate jumps. <3 <3 <3 <<<<3

pioggia II

I would gladly watch YouTube videos with you,
I would gladly study with you,
I would gladly listen to vinyl records with you,
I would gladly eat a veggie patty sandwich with you,
But mostly
I would gladly stand in the rain with you again.
anytime,
anywhere.

guarire

Y nadie sabe por qué un día el amor nace 
Ni sabe nadie por qué muere el amor un día...

Y volverás a esperanzarte
Y luego a desesperar
Y cuando menos lo esperes
Tu corazón va a sanar
Va a sanar
Va a sanar
Y va a volver a quebrarse
Mientras le toque pulsar

fortuna II

Found this in my cookie tonight!

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sogni e le aspirazioni

I really enjoyed our talk today.  

Did I say too much? Was it too soon?

"Too Much? Too Soon?"

You helped to put a lot of my worries at ease.  I guess all I can do now is remain focused on my education and career goals and hope that the rest of it falls in place. Like I said, it's nice knowing I'm not alone, but at the same time I want to make sure that we're gonna be okay.  It's so close, I can taste it!

We can do this.

aspirazioni

“There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth - not going all the way and not starting.”

 -Buddha

One of my sorority sisters posted this quote on Facebook at the beginning of the month.  When I first read it I felt like crying. The thoughts and emotions it sparked were exhilarating. It was a moment of clarity and I hope to live it by the end of this year.  I'm so grateful to Anna O. for posting this becos it felt like a sign that was meant for me.

Step 1

I started looking at graduate school and pre-reqs today. It always seemed so unattainable and I was discouraged from looking.  Now I'm wondering why I hadn't done it sooner? It's easier than the mountain I had made it out to be.

Step 2

I began the application to register for the Foreign Services exam.  I don't think I'm quite ready for the February 2012 test date, but I plan on registering for the June exam.

baby steps.

*update 1/18/12
I wasn't able to say this in person today, but the enthusiasm you had for my snaillike blossoming progress is much appreciated.  The reason being becos when I mentioned grad school to Maund his response was "You need to grow up." No exclamation, non-advisory, but more like a stop-fucking-around connotation.  When I mentioned the idea and Maund's response to some Trans, Lil Z was floored and said she was surprised at his remark being that this could greatly benefit my career and our standard of living.  That's what I thought, and I felt like a kid being scolded for wanting more or something better than what I have now.
So, thank you. Thanks for being my motivation.

-_- II

i miss you so much more now than before. so unfair.

qualunque cosa II

My hand is cramping. I'm not cut out for drawing on a laptop mousepad.

qualunque cosa

Messing around with Google Docs.

Buon Capodanno

¿Cuánto de esto es amor?
¿Cuánto es deseo?
¿Se pueden, o no, separar?
 Si desde el corazón a los dedos
no hay nada en mi cuerpo que no hagas vibrar...

I love hearing that ringer.