mio zio

April 14, 1946 - August 19, 2011

Tomorrow I pay my respects to my Tio Nene.  It takes just under 3 hours to drive to Uvalde, TX and we will be passing through Sabinal.  Oh, how I dread driving through there.  Call it a love/hate relationship, and right now we're broken up and have been for a long time.

The last time I was in Uvalde for a funeral was when my high school sweetheart's father passed away in December 1998.  It'll be the same funeral home, too.  My cousin Lisa said it would be a Catholic mass and we joked about all the physical exertion required during these events.  The standing and sitting, then standing and kneeling, then standing and...well you get the pix.  It's almost like doing holy lunges, which shouldn't hurt as much becos you got you-know-who leading the training.

I saw a video memorial for Tio today and it made me really think about all the time I spent with him.  My absolute favorite memory was visiting Lost Maples with Tio, Tia, Patty and Chiquita.  I must have been 7 or 8 yrs old and had never been there before.  I begged my folks to let me spend the night with Patty the day before and they planned the little hiking trip and round trip to Sabinal to drop me off.  When we took off from Uvalde to Concan, it was a regular drive.  There wasn't anything too exciting about it, until we took a road I had never been on before.  It was windy and the trees were green and and tall and beautiful.  Or maybe it just seemed that way becos it was new.  I remember driving on the side of the hill and thinking we were gonna fall off.  When we got to Lost Maples, we registered and the park ranger asked me and Patty if we wanted to win a prize.  I can just see our eyes light up and agree to the conditions without even knowing what they were.  He gave us each a plastic gift bag with the "Don't Mess With Texas" slogan on both sides and said we had to fill them up with any trash we saw.  At the end of the hike we would turn in what we found and we'd get the prize, which still remained a mystery. We accepted the challenge and were ready for a hike.  I remember how we fought so badly for each scrap of trash we found.  I remember Tio and Tia enjoying the hike.  I remember the streams filled with clean, fresh water inhabited by minnows, fish, all kinds of wildlife! I remember Chiquita getting tired and napping in the shade of a tree along the trail.  Everytime we reached her tree, she would run ahead searching for another spot to lie down until we reached her.  I didn't have to have that much interaction with Tio, but his presence was enough.  He was always the big burly guy and you just always felt safe.

At the end of the hike we went back to the ranger station, bags bursting at the seams, ready to collect our prizes.  We were proudly presented with 2 large, shiny "Don't Mess With Texas" buttons.  I remember feeling kinda bummed, but still proud of my prize.  Only recently did I realize Patty and I were free Mexican child labor. But I wouldn't trade that memory for the world!

Tio was also the one to teach me how to swim under water.  I remember Patty and I wading in the river at Garner State Park around 07:00 or 08:00, listening to Tio instruct us how NOT to breathe underwater.  He taught us in small increments and by lunch time we were pruney, had bloodshot eyes, but guess what, we knew how to swim underwater.  We always, Always, ALWAYS woke up early to get to Garner early to get the good spots.  Then we'd just camp out ALL day.  I miss those times.  I think those were my happiest: at Garner State Park, my family, Patty's family, Sandy's family, BBQ, swimming from sunrise to sunset.  

Why do ham and cheese sandwiches taste so good when you're in the water or have been in there all day???

stimolando l’ovulazione

Down the hatch!  Just took my first dose of Clomid.  It's effin' cold here and I figured that downing the medication might cause hot flashes and warm me up.  But I've seen women at my office who suffer from hot flashes, so maybe it might not be as pleasant as I'm thinking it will be.

Today is cycle day 5.  I'm to take this medication each day for 5 days and from what I've read on other websites, it's best to take before bed.  Most women talk about the unpleasant side effects that might be alleviated by taking the meds at night.  Also, one of the nurses at work suggested to drink lots of water.

I just remembered I promised my sister I would call her after work.  It's nice to have family to share this with.  It was a tough decision to decide to share this with my sister simply becos I didn't want to worry her. I still haven't decided if I should tell mum.  We'll cross that bridge when we get there.

la nonna

I guess I’m ready to share.

2010 has had some ups and downs. I’ve experienced death all too much this year. I’ve had 2 uncles (by marriage) that have passed, but the most heartbreaking loss was my grandmother.

Mamá passed away on May 29, 2010. We were having dinner with my colleagues Heather and Grace at Rudy’s when my cousin Lisa called to tell me of her passing. It didn’t fully register until the following day. We were at a wedding rehearsal when I had extended family calling to give condolences. I was getting sadder and sadder by the minute knowing that I had no way of getting to the funeral. Luckily, a couple of my second cousins were planning to make the trip to Mexico and offered to have me tag along.

After getting picked up in Austin @15:30, we stopped in Kyle to pick up a cousin and took off around 16:30. We then stopped in San Antonio to change cars and were joined by their sister and brother-in-law. We were now 5 crammed in a double cab truck on our way to Mexico, another 2 hours away. Once in Mexico we still had an hour drive to Allende.

When we arrived, the city was bustling and the Corona factory greeted us at the entrance. Everything seemed so familiar and different at the same time. The modern world had caught up with this sleepy town, but it was nice to see that it did not consume everyone in its path. It was around 21:30 when we arrived at Mamá’s house only to discover that the whole family was at the funeral home. I was so glad to be out of that car and bummed to think we had to get back in and drive across town. Once reunited with my whole family, I felt more at peace and a rather bittersweet happiness. Happy in the sense that I saw faces I hadn’t seen in at least 10 years, but bitter in the fact that it took my grandmother’s death to bring us together.

We closed the joint down at midnight and drove back to Mamá’s. I stayed up another 2 hours just catching up with my primitas and tias and enjoying a good home-cooked meal. Afterwards, I joined my mom, sister, and 2 nieces for bed, which consisted of sleeping on a blanket on my tio’s cement floor. I barely got any sleep. The next morning we began taking showers in shifts beginning at 06:00.

Lost Maples, TX - 2003

Our group started at the funeral home. We then drove to the next town, Villa Union, to attend a Catholic mass in the town’s oldest and beautiful church. If you’re not Catholic, like myself, and if you’re not Hispanic then you can’t possibly begin to fathom how long a funeral mass can be! These things go on ForEveR! During a Hail Mary and possibly the 5^th time we said the Lord’s Prayer, I swear my soul drifted into another universe and sailed across a supersonic plain and finally crash-landed back in the sleepy town of VU. The group poured out into the street and we proceeded to follow the hearse at a snail’s pace to the cemetery. Mamá would be buried next to Papá and the other children who had already passed. I hadn’t really cried until we reached the burial site. That moment felt like the final good bye. As the mariachis played and the family gathered around the casket, my uncle asked me to sing. I had sung this song plenty of times before and it wasn’t until now that I truly felt its sadness.

Tú eres la tristeza de mis ojos

Que lloran en silencio por tu amor
Me miro en el espejo y veo en mi rostro
El tiempo que he sufrido por tu adios

Obligo a que te olvide el pensamiento
Pues siempre estoy pensando en el ayer
Prefiero estar dormida que despierta
De tanto que me duele que no estés

Como quisiera que tú vivieras
Que tus ojitos jamás se hubieran cerrado nunca
Y estar mirandolos

Amor eterno e inolvidable
Tarde o temprano estaré contigo

Para seguir amándonos

                            "Amor Eterno" by Rocio Durcal

I had woken up that day at 06:00am and the funeral was over by 11:00a. It had happened too fast and I was afraid I hadn’t taken the time to soak it all in: the sights and scents of Mexico, the sound of the sadness and the laughter. We were on the road again by 11:17 and heading back to Austin.

I was so enraged that the drive home seemed to last a lifetime. I was tired, sad, sore, and missed my husband tremendously. Why? I don’t know. Maybe becos to experience such a tragedy without your best friend by your side makes you feel vulnerable. I wanted so much to yell and scream and demand to be taken home right that instant, but I came to my senses and realized if it weren’t for these people I would never have had the opportunity to say goodbye to my dearest Mamá.

It was a little past 18:00 when I set eyes upon my house. I was home again and it felt good.

mio nonno

JULY 14, 2005 entry taken from my previous blog

So just a month after Skecher, tragedy hit again. It was one of those late phone calls that you dread, especially from people you haven't heard from in a while. My cousin Lys called to let me know the family was gathering to bid farewell to Grandpa, Octaviano. After hanging up with her I immediately called my sister to see if she had heard anything. That's when it happened. Dad called Nani on the landline and told her Grandpa had passed.

Two or three weeks earlier, I decided to stop by Grandpa's house just to see how he was doing. He looked fine except that 5 minutes into our conversation he asks, "Y tu, como te llamas?" I was heartbroken. I was crushed and had no idea what to think. Was I really that bad of a grandchild that my grandfather couldn't even remember who I was? For all I know he could have been thinking, "okay this chick is brown, she's calling me Grandpa, she must be one of mine." After fighting back the tears and jogging his memory, he finally knew I was Amador and Eva's kid. I wanted to tell him in person that I missed talking with him and even made him promise to get better so that we could have a little dance-a-roo.

As I drove away, the tears flowed. I told myself that I would stay in contact more becos I wanted to make sure Grandpa would be around to see the landmarks one experiences during the transition from youngster to adult. So imagine my surprise when I received the late night phonecall.

Driving home Tuesday night I felt nothing. Waking up to get ready for the funeral...nothing. I looked to Dad for some sign of humanity...nothing. I don't think my Dad realizes he's an orphan now. We even grabbed breakfast right before the funeral service. Eventually got to the funeral home...still nothing. During the service I shed a tear when the reverend mentioned my grandfather playing guitar and singing praises to the Lord. I remember those days and it was a comfort to go back there even if it was just for a split second.

When we got to the cemetery we ended up in the wrong place, or so I thought. Turns out that my Grandpa's new wife (Fina) decided to have him buried somewhere other than with my Grandma, Teresa. My family is outraged by this and ...oh wait, I forgot to mention that my aunt's are not very fond of Fina. I never had a problem with her, so it's no shit to me. However, after the funeral, we surprisingly had 2 dinners planned. One was Fina and her family's dinner, the other was our family's dinner (sons and daughters of Grandpa).

Long story short, we visited Fina, she yells at us out of anger. 'Us' being Mom, Dad, and me. Mom stands up for the family, eventhough it's Dad's family, and I've never seen her get that mad. Her whole facial expression changed. Anyway, Fina feels we (Devereauxs) wronged her. Now Dad is worried she won't return Grandpa's belongings to our family since they hold tons of meaning for us.

I can only hope for the best, but lately I've found that good nature and common sense are lacking in our society.