giunchiglie

JayKay had brought daffodils to the office last week to spread a little cheer. She filled a cute glass jar with these yellow beauties and set them on my desk. It was nice to see her feeling better and making every attempt to be healthier. She had been having some health problems lately and today she shared with me that she finally had a name for part of her ailments. 

Today I sat at my desk translating the forms I had just finished last week. It had taken me a good couple of weeks to create them and really, I don't mind it, but today I felt so sleepy. If anything, I bet this weekend is finally catching up with me. And I'm sure it doesn't help that the only natural light I have coming into my office is from the patio door which faces a tree covered courtyard. It's hot, too. The server farm is located in my space, or I should say that my desk is located in the room with the server farm which emits a ghastly amount of heat. That would be a more accurate depiction of the sauna which I call my office, in the heart of Texas, nearing the end of 1st Summer otherwise known as Spring in other parts of the country. o.O

She had left around 11:00 to meet with the boss's wife and reappeared later in the day in a good mood. It's rare to see JayKay in a good mood after these meetings. As soon as she opened her mouth to tell me about their discussion, she burst into tears and hid her face in her hands. I was caught off guard and waited for her to calm down a bit before asking her what was wrong. It turns out that she wasn't sad at all. They were tears of happiness and what she had to say made me seriously think about certain things.

JayKay and Jon recently got engaged during a vacation to Mexico. From what I know, these two have been on & off again for over a decade. It seems like they've been through it all. For being such an attractive couple, one would wonder why their union hadn't happened sooner. JayKay claimed that Jon was immature while Jon claimed that JayKay was bat shit crazy. Who's right? Well, JayKay had an appointment scheduled with an endocrinologist last week and Jon just so happened to have that particular day off. She had asked him to join her for the appointment and figured that they could get their marriage license and cross that off their To Do list for the wedding. Before leaving the county clerk's office the clerk asked them about the wedding date. They mentioned that they hadn't really thought about a date, but were looking at October 2012. Unbeknownst to them, in Texas, a marriage license is only good for 30 days and cannot be used within the first 72 hours of being issued. The clerk apologized for the mistake and offered to give them a refund.  They looked at each other befuddled and in that moment they decided to keep the license. After leaving the clerk's office, Jon asked JayKay if she wanted to get something to eat and they simultaneously chose BurgerTex. Apparently, this had been their eatery all throughout college and just so happened to be across Airport Blvd. from the county clerk's office. After eating, JayKay went to her doctor's appointment and was told that she had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and that if she was thinking about having children, she didn't have the liberty to wait due to her age. She mentioned that was a little tough to hear, but that she was worried about being healthy enough to even contemplate conceiving. She had long ago decided that she didn't want children, but now she admitted that they were definitely in her future, just not this soon. 

Back to today, there she stood talking about how overwhelmed she felt; overwhelmed with happiness. She said it all felt right. From the non-existent wait at a government office, deciding on a wedding date on the fly, BurgerTex across the street, the need to have children within this next year. She was overwhelmed becos she knows that her life will be changing drastically, and soon, but these are all good changes. While she was expressing her happiness and sharing so much and asking questions about my personal life I didn't have the heart to tell her about my decision to get divorced. In fact, I was too overwhelmed with the idea that I hadn't had those moments she was experiencing. 

I was planning to leave Maund before he proposed. Back then I felt ready to get married and waited with each holiday or big event for a proposal. When those events came and went, I was always left disappointed that no proposal had taken place. I told myself that if he did not propose by the end of our lease, that was it. Lo and behold, he proposed 2 months before the lease was up and we took a little over a year to plan for the wedding. I've told our engagement story time and time again, exaggerating here, embellishing there, but it wasn't what I had envisioned. I don't think guys understand that popping the question should be something special. Come to think of it, I didn't even get a question. I saw the ring, which his sister picked out, and got a "So?" I forced my emotions and I remember that feeling. The idea behind Maund's proposal was cute and original, but it's the details that kill me. I've always had these thoughts in the back of my head, but thought it was better not to voice them. Why couldn't I just be grateful and appreciative of his proposal? Becos the details are still nagging at me, just like certain details about the wedding decor. I don't know why these things bother me? Why did he call my Pop to ask for my hand instead of asking him in person? I guess I should be thankful that he even asked, or maybe I'm wrong about that and he only told my folks that he wanted to ask me to get married. Why did he ask his sister to help pick out a ring when I'm not close to her at all? Why not ask Nani or Adrianna, someone who knows my likes/dislikes. Hell, I would have taken Rob's opinion over Angie's! The ring was alright, but there was no real thought put into it. It was an oval shaped cubic zirconia...oval. Oval! At that time I was all about the emerald cut. I would have loved an emerald/radiant/princess/round/asscher cut. I don't need diamonds, why not choose one of my favorite stones? Why not choose something from my favorite color palette? Or maybe a ring I had taken a liking to in passing. I didn't need a $10K ring, I didn't even need a $100 ring, I just wanted...I don't know what I wanted. I guess I wanted too much.

What I realized during that moment with JayKay was that I shouldn't have to embellish a story. I should have appreciated the experience instead of picking it apart. And maybe the reason I was overanalyzing    the proposal was becos I wasn't ready, becos it wasn't right, becos I didn't have those "feelings" that so many women gush over when sharing their engagement stories. Those were my signs and I chose to ignore them. And while part of me is sad to think I may have made a mistake in getting married, would a different string of events have led me to find you?