domande

I filed my petition for divorce today. A part of me was a little sad, but the other part of me was excited to begin this new life. I needed to ask those questions. I just had to. The answers may have been evident, but it was nice to be reassured of them.

***

My birthday came and went this weekend. I tried to enjoy it as much as I could, but I still can't get over the fact that my sister is hurting and I'm the cause. I don't know if we/she can get passed this, but I'm gonna try my hardest to make it right.

Don't get me wrong, brunch at Takoba was nice. Opening my gift at the hill was fun. The Sound of Music at Zilker then dinner at Elizabeth's were magical! But I'm sorry I didn't enjoy myself like I should have. I appreciate everything that went into Saturday night.

-_- III

I really hope you enjoyed your gift!

tuffiamoci!

Yesterday was awesome! I'm really glad I got to enjoy Barton Springs Pool with you. You looked so good! The whole point of Monday was to make sure your birthday week got off to a great start. I think finding a front parking spot was a good omen. Ya know, come to think of it, I don't think I've ever parked that close during swimming season.

There are just so many things about yesterday that made me so happy. Being in the sun, eating Pulparindo*, having you massage the lotion on my back, seeing you sporting shades, huddling together for warmth in that crazy cold water, pub food & $1.50 margaritas at Sean Patrick's, hanging out on the banks of the San Marcos River until everyone was gone, spotting the moon through all the cloud cover on our cliff. Yeah, man, yeah -_-

I don't know if you noticed, but diving in the pool was another classic example of Aries/Leo. I was thinking about it last night and it may just be my favorite part about yesterday. You had absolutely no qualms about just diving in! Yet there I clung to the wall, terrified of the worst case scenario what-ifs. Just from my perception, you were so patient. You let me get comfortable and try all these different points of entry and still I was scared to jump in. Even after you jumped in and survived, I was hesitant. Not becos of the temperature, but becos I couldn't see the bottom and didn't want to drown. I know that sounds silly, becos there are a million lifeguards there AND those 3 women were a foot away (surely they knew how to swim). But seeing you jump made me want to do it, too. Even though I saw your success, I was still too timid to try. 

I don't know what it was that gave me enough courage to dive in? Maybe I didn't want to get left behind? The more and more I thought about that experience, the more it seemed to parallel our lives. You wrote, "Our marriages were not the same, and neither will our divorces be." You dove in and tested the waters just like you began this process of a divorce. I did reconnoissance of the area to determine where I wanted to enter just like I took time to decide that divorce was a right decision. You made it look so easy to jump in and out of the freezing water just like you made coming to a decision and going through with this divorce look easy. I struggled for a bit to overcome my fear of jumping in to that same freezing water just like I struggled for so long to tell Maund that I wanted a divorce. But through all of this, you were patient. I wouldn't be able to do this without you and I have a feeling that there are so many other things we will learn from each other...soon.

I admire your strength, my darling, and I'm glad to have you in my life. 

Happy 26th Birthday, Love!

*I apologize in advance for probably giving you lead poisoning. Well, that's what the wiki page says. Umm, yeah, Sorry and I Love You :)

cavalli

Happy Birthday, Pops!

Why is it that it takes losing someone close to make  you appreciate the others around you?

After Tio Nene's funeral, my sister said to me, "Now we have to share Dad with Lisa and Patty." And when I told Lisa what Nani had said, she agreed.  It was the silent assumption that Pops needs to go to all his doctor's office visits and follow orders.  Who knows what the future holds?  My Pops is stubborn, and he's so close to retiring that I'm worried it will be a struggle to corral him. At the same time, who wants to be wrangled? If you've spent your whole life stuck in a pen, is retirement like a horse running free in the wild?

Knowing him, he might turn up unannounced in his dream car, a Ford Mustang.  Or maybe he'll call from some other state telling me he's okay and enjoying a roadtrip.  Or maybe he'll move to a little ranch which he's dreamed about as long as I can remember.  Who knows?

But before I fret about the future, 

today I will rejoice in the fact that my Pops is another year older 

and still...

My Pops!

desideri e domande

Here I am.  The eve of my 30th birthday and I feel like a failure.

I'm having a 3/4 of a mid-life crisis, which is funny becos nowadays people go through mid mid-life crisis. I guess mine just didn't hit me till now.  

I went to bed last night overthinking, overanalyzing my birthday.  At Thanksgiving, I had made it clear that for my 30th birthday I wanted a dinner with my closest friends and family.  My birthday would also have to...HAVE TO...include mariachis in a charismatically lit backyard serenading the guests and myself.   I even wanted my husband's family there.  Come Christmastime, I had reiterated my desire for a dinner and mariachis.  At Maund's cousin's wedding there were mariachis who went from table to table taking requests and AGAIN I expressed my birthday plan.  

So imagine my surprise when my husband approached me Monday, August 1, 2011, asking what I wanted to do for my birthday.  Three days before my birthday!  I hate to admit it, but I'm pretty sure that a tiny piece of my heart died at that moment.  That's an intense thing to say, right? I know, but I've noticed that this year has caused that to happen in me.  I do my best not to let things get to me, but I feel that I try so hard to please other people that I expect the same from them.  I have such high expectations and when they don't follow through I take it personally.  It hurts.  This experience felt like cramming for a test.  You've had all this time to thoroughly prepare for the SATs, but instead you procrastinate until the week of the exam and say, "Well, we could hav a BBQ and invite some people." What does that do? A BBQ is not a 1400 test score.  A BBQ is the credit you get for bubbling in your name on the score sheet. I plan all of my birthdays.  I plan events for other friends.  I help in the orchestration of other events.  I cook Thanksgiving meals.  I cook Christmas meals.  I plan Easter holidays. I bake birthday cakes and attempt to decorate them with other than frosting to coat them.  I wanted someone to care for me.  I wanted someone to say, "I know you've had possibly the worst year of your life, so far.  From Aug 2010 to now, not only have you experienced change, but you've had to endure many losses.  Neither loss is greater than the other, but each loss equally as painful. Let's celebrate you and start a new year with hope and joy."  I want to have a happy event.  I didn't want a consolation prize.  I wanted a well thought out plan.

I look back and think about what I've written and it sounds selfish.  I'm a Leo.  It's in my nature to want to be the center of attention, but that's not really me.  I have a tendency to want to take care of other people.  I have a tendency to protect others.  So maybe this is the selfish, self-centered side coming out in this entry.

This was the kind of toy I got for my birthday.

I started thinking about my childhood and realized that I never had a birthday party.  You're probably wondering, "how is that possible?" or "c'mon, everyone has parties!" Nope.  I have a picture of my 3rd or 4th birthday.  My mom had bought me a new shirt and had baked a cake.  In the picture, there is a Cabbage Patch Kids Talking Phone next to me and my cake as I'm about to blow out the candles.  I remember that day becos I got chocolate frosting all over my shirt and got upset.

I'm guessing that my other birthdays were like that, but I can't remember any of them.  There was never a planned party at McDonald's, Pizza Hut, or Chuck E. Cheese.  There were never house parties with nifty party favors or cartoon themed plates, cups, napkin.  It wasn't until my 18th birthday that a couple of people took notice of the lack of celebration. Barbara, my hometown bestfriend, knew that my family wasn't as well off as hers, but she never ceased to surprise me.  She never missed a birthday or grand event.  For my 18th birthday, she showed up at my door and presented me with a little gift.  She then kidnapped me and said that becos I was now 'legal' it was my mission to buy a pack of cigarettes and porn.  Those were the rights bestowed upon me as an American and that's what we did.  Later that day, I called over to the Garcia's house to see who wanted to hang out.  Wilbur and Bern were brothers and the sons of my Spanish teacher.  We had gotten close and hung out just about every single day that summer.  We played guitars, they taught me chords, they schooled me on classic rock and singer/songwriters from the 60s and 70s, how to exercise, play sports, run, tried to teach me how to cook.  They were only 4 and 6 years older than I was, but we connected on so many levels and I learned a lot from those two.  Bern picked up and mentioned he had just gotten out of work.  Since we were "new" friends, the brothers didn't know when my birthday was, nor did I know theirs. We chatted for awhile and he asked me what I did that day.  I mentioned that Barbara had taken me to go buy cigarettes and porn and he laughed.  He got quiet for a moment and then asked if it was my birthday.  I acknowledge that today was indeed my 18th and he asked what I was doing to celebrate.  Bern wasn't satisfied with my response and said, "I'd like to take you out. Get dressed! Get ready! We're going to the Riverwalk!"  That was the thing to do, go celebrate in San Anto' which is an hour away.  I had so much fun that night.  I got wined and dined and treated important.  Well, not exactly, maybe soda'd and dined would be a better term.  It was a great night and a nice ending to what would have otherwise been a disastrous birthday.

Since then, I try to plan events for my birthdays. Dinner with friends, drinks, maybe go to a club.  Maybe that's why I was hoping that this one would be different.  That someone would want to take care of me.

I thought about all of this as I was trying to go to sleep.  I started crying silently in the dark and it was a little difficult to stop, but through all of that, I never once woke up my husband.  This got me thinking about other things. The night before I had finished reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho and I wondered if I had given up on my own Personal Legend?  When I was younger I had many dreams that I thought I would fulfill.  I never had a time frame, but these were things that I wanted to do.  Now that I'm 3/4 of the way to the halfway mark of my lifespan, it scares me.  What do I have to show for this?  I graduated high school.  I graduated from university.  I lived in Italy. I worked for a non-profit. I'm married.  I have a house and mortgage.  We own 2 cars and will be done paying off a 3rd soon.  We have a cat and 2 dogs.  That seems like a lot, but I want more.  And I felt like the shittiest person in the world becos when I think about my dreams and fantasies, I'm always alone.  I never see my husband in these visions.  I had toyed with the idea of skydiving for our wedding anniversary and found out before booking that Maund is scared of heights.  How did I not know that?  In all the time that I've known him, I just found this out last year.  One dream I have is hiking through the Dolomites and when I close my eyes to envision it, he's not there.  When I was younger, I wanted to be an epidemiologist, but that would require more schooling.  In honing my skills, I realized that I wanted to become a Foreign Services Officer, but to really be considered for a position I would need my masters degree.  And really, that's probably the minimum requirement.  So I definitely need to go back to school and practice my languages more.  Maybe even learn 2 or 3 more.  But even in this dream, I'm by myself. 

Is he holding me back? Or better yet, do I want an excuse so that I don't have to take credit for not fulfilling my Personal Legend?  I would have no one to blame but myself.  Do I still have time to fulfill my Personal Legend or is it too late? I assume I need to do this on my own.  It's a personal journey, but how do I realize my dream when I'm attached to someone else?  And not just someone else, but a complete life which includes hundreds of possessions, a mortgage, and furry friends.  

I would love to find a genie in a lamp.  I could make a couple of changes.

Or better yet, turn back time to one significant moment and change it.  I thought about this last night and I know what that moment would be.  I would go back to the 6th grade and forget about my crush on Colin.  I think that would have changed things dramatically.  It would have saved me a lot of grief growing up in a small town.

I feel awful for having these thoughts.  I feel disgusted for asking these questions.  Honestly, this is the only forum where I can get these thoughts out.  But my biggest fear is that now that I've asked these questions, do I need to answer them or do I continue with life as I know it, ignoring the desires of my heart?  Am I too afraid of answering these questions?

tanti auguri a me

Wednesday, August 4 - A faint positive…could my eyes be deceiving me?  I had taken a test on Saturday before Smalls’ birthday outing and it was completely negative.  I wanted to play it safe so I opted to be the DD for that evening.  And now, on my birthday, the one gift that I’ve hoped for over a year.  I showed Maund and he didn’t believe it all.  He asked me what I thought and I said, “I’ve called this positive before for women coming to the office.”  Maund was shocked and said, “Damn, that’s hardcore!” 

At Rain with the trannies.

I got ready for work and prepared for a day full of surprises.  I was showered with some of the best gifts I could fathom.  Dr. Pepper, a ginormous, floating mug, flowers, cupcakes…the works!  All in all, I made out like a bandit at work. 

That evening we gathered with my best friends (sans 3 important people) at Uchi.  We feasted on sushi, laughed about our college indiscretions, and I shared some thoughts of their importance in my life.  The evening came to a close and so began a much needed mini vacation.  I was in need of break and some time to clear my head.

I was fortunate enough to have visited with some sorority sisters that Friday.  We enjoyed a day at Barton Springs, followed by dinner at Nuevo Leon.  It was fun to dine with sisters and just looked around the table to see Alpha, Beta, and Gamma class.  I had fun catching up with such wonderful women.

That Sunday was the day of my Birthday Tubing Extravaganza 2010.  Many of my close friends and coworkers braved the trip to Canyon Lake to float the Guadalupe.  And through this little trip, it was nice to see everyone just kick and unwind.  We’re always wound so tight at work, it felt good to let loose.  And if you’ve never floated the Guadalupe, I would highly recommend it!  The twists and turns and rapids make for a most excellent adventure…in our experience, the best Birthday Tubing Extravaganza thus far.  Well, the only one, thus far. ;)