malinconica

16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom are just a couple of my guilty pleasures.  I HEART reality TV! Last night was 16 & Pregnant: Adoption Special and I was stoked becos earlier I had spent a little over 4 hours in an Adoption Resources training for work.  It's interesting that in all the seasons of these shows, only 3 cast members had chosen adoption.  One cast member had a scheduling conflict and wasn't on the show and the two that did attend were on different ends of the spectrum.  I mean, there was one girl who was completely confident that she made the right decision and takes pride in the fact that her daughter is with a great couple.  The other girl stated that she regret her decision and wondered why no one stopped her and goes on to ask if no one thought she could do it by herself?  Well...she chose to do a kin adoption and a month after relinquishing her rights she calls her aunt and uncle and asks for the baby back.  She then goes on to care for the baby for a minute and gives her back to the aunt and uncle.  It goes to show that a teen can't understand that permanency is best for a baby.

But in watching this special it was heartbreaking to see that these girls were experiencing such a grief at such a young age.  Another section of the special showed how there is a support group for teen mothers who have chosen adoption.  It got me thinking and I started doing a search for support groups here in Austin for myself.  I figured a good resource was The Bump since it covers all aspects of pregnancy.  What I didn't consider was that the last time I had visited this site was when I was pregnant.  So when I logged on I was greeted with a message in happy, obnoxious writing exclaiming "YOU'RE 22 WEEKS PREGNANT!"  I about lost it. I immediately edited my profile and made a couple of changes to memorialize this loss. 

I had trouble getting to sleep and when I decided to go to bed I ended up crying into my favorite pillow.  I didn't want to wake my husband, plus he was already annoyed with work that he had brought home.  Seriously annoyed would be a better term.  I hate when he gets into these moods.

I feel alone. I know I'm not, but I can't help but feel so lonely.

salvami

Today was supposed to be a great day.  How did it end up like this?  It started out mediocre.  I thought about waking you up, but I stopped myself.  I got ready for work and made breakfast.  I heard my texting ringer and I rushed to see if it was you, but it wasn't. 

At work I enjoyed the silence of my office for a minute and then JayKay walked in.  I had delusions of getting a mountain of tasks done, but I wasn't able to focus.  I couldn't concentrate on any single task.  It took me all day to read over 6 policies; something I could have normally completed in an hour or two.  I was even inclined to ask if I could leave early. I didn't feel well at all and I remembered that JayKay and I recently decided we would ask staff to leave their personal lives at home.  I need to lead by example.  How can I expect others to take me seriously if I'm having trouble following these same rules?

Today my mind was "...gone, but I don't know where."  No joke.  It wasn't until after lunch that I realized yesterday I had designated a large task to myself to complete today.  No pussyfootin' around, I called Dr. K's office and asked what the next step would be?  I had some blood work done in May and was told that my pregnancy hormone levels had reached zero again.  That was exciting news to me at that time, until Dr. K instructed me to call back in a month for the next step.  I was so upset, but a month has gone by and I'm more than ready.  This is what I want.

After speaking with Dr. K's office it was decided that I will begin a Provera regimen.  That's a pill a day for 10 days.  I should start my period within 10-14 days and then call in for Clomid, I assume, that part wasn't discussed.

Besides not being able to focus, I received a letter from the state declining to pay an invoice I had sent regarding medical records.  I was just going off of direction from my higher-ups and I laughed becos I should have known better, but ah, these things happen.  I took me a good 20 minutes to fill out the affidavit they requested with the records.  It wasn't difficult to read, I just couldn't focus.  

On the way home I blocked out the majority of the drive.  How did I get home in one piece?  I needed to stop by the pharmacy to pick up my medication, but it looked way too crowded and I went home instead. Dinner consisted of chili dogs: kosher dogs, grated cheddar, plush bun...nice, right? During my last visit to HEB I decided to try out a different chili.  Today was not the day to try new things.  Today was a day for comfort foods.  If you couldn't guess, the chili was a no go.  Another disappointment.

After dinner I left to pick up my meds and it turns out that half of the parking lot is under construction.  No worries, I don't mind parking a little further, I need the exercise.  Once I got to the pharmacy I was surprised to see that there was practically no line.  Normally there's a 30 minute wait just to talk tosomeone around this time! Not today.  The lady before me was in a motorized cart and took up both counters.  I was waiting patiently for her to move out of the way and 2 other people lined up behind me. Outta nowhere, this Spanish speaker approaches the counter and another pharmacy tech tends to her.  Turns out that she needs to pick up a prescription, too, but instead of having her wait in line like the rest of us, she goes before me.  Guess what, I speak Spanish, too! Maybe I wasn't in the mood to wait! Maybe I just want to get the hell out of there and continue this shitty day! The pharmacist tends to me and I end up speaking with the girl who skipped me.  She gives me this attitude.  Hey, I could have raised hell, but I waited.  I didn't complain out loud, but in my head I was yelling. She asks me to confirm my prescription and was getting ready to check me out, but I have a new insurance which she never bothered to confirm.  When I mention this she rolls her eyes and tells me it will take 5 minutes.  As I step aside to wait I can feel the tears coming on.  Was this the straw that broke the camel's back?  My eyes welled with tears and the customer behind me noticed and gave me a look of "aww, I understand" or "aww, it's okay" and I smiled slightly, averted my eyes and tried to think of happy things.  By now the pharm tech was ready, I paid and left. 

I almost lost it at HEB, but instead I came home, changed into my pjs, curled up in bed and let a little stress go.  I don't have anyone to share this with.  That's a lie. I choose not to share this stuff.  That's why I have the entire worldwide web, an abyss of cyberspace where my thoughts can get lost. I choose not to share with people I know becos if you could really see inside my mind you'd wonder why I haven't been committed yet.  

My theme music for today 

una settimana

For one week I was the happiest person in the world. 

For one week I envisioned a lifetime of happiness.

For one week we fantasized about a little “us.”

I found out on my day off that my HCG levels were D

                                                                                 R

                                                                                       O

                                                                                             P

                                                                                                 Ping. 

I wasn't very far into the pregnancy, but my husband and I were ecstatic about finally becoming parents.  I knew that miscarriage in the first trimester was very common, but

I hoped it wouldn't be me.

So, what happened?

Well…the day after my birthday I needed a refill on a medication.  I had mentioned in passing to the nurse that my test was a faint positive, so in order to refill the medication I had to have quants drawn.  I had blood drawn in the morning and by 15:00, it was confirmed…the test was PoSiTiVe!  We would have known sooner, but the printer  at work was jammed.  It wasn’t till the afternoon that the floodwater of faxes came pouring through.  I wasn’t aware till later that a friend had seen the results and did me a favor by keeping it a secret…even from me.  I texted Maund, who was working on some tunes upstairs in the music room.  I walked over to the staircase and he walked over to the top of stairs.  We smiled at each other and he asked, “for reals?”  I confirmed it.  I ran upstairs and we cuddled on the couch in shock.  I was so excited; Maund was speechless.

Over the next couple of days I had additional quants drawn.  In that time we talked about a savings account and college funds.  We discussed maternity leave and insurance policies.  I searched for information on dietary needs, baby names, and nursery ideas.  It was finally happening…or so we thought.

I started spotting and didn’t think too much about it.  I knew it was normal to have a “period” or bleeding early into the pregnancy.  Wednesday; another blood sample.  Thursday, my day off, I get a call and was informed that the hormone levels were dropping.  

I swear my <3

                       <3

                            <3

                                 <3 dropped, too.

 I did my best to hold it together, but as soon as the call ended I fell apart.  I was alone.  I freaked out Bear.  I contemplated calling Maund, but I didn’t want to ruin his day.  I wanted to call someone, but no one knew.  I wanted to call my sister and my mom, but the last thing I wanted was to worry them.  And to make matters worse, during my errands that day I had purchased What to Expect When You’re Expecting at Half Price Books. I cried in the kitchen and on the couch.  I couldn't stand it so I drove around to get my mind off things.  I cried in the car, I cried in the store, I cried in traffic.  I came home and cleared out some stuff from my kitchen cabinets and went to donate it, I cried there, too. Driving around after getting the news I wanted someone to hit my car.  It was a rainy day and I figured someone would hit me.  I wanted someone to blame.  I wanted to be mad at someone.  Is that crazy?

That night I started bleeding. I cried with my husband. I tossed and turned all night and was anxiety ridden about what to expect.  Will it be like a period or will it be a little more painful?  I work at a gynecologist's office and I deal with these things day in and day out.  Why was this still so extremely difficult? The only thing that got me through that night was the sound of Maund’s heartbeat, which had gotten me through so many worries before, but still I quietly cried myself to sleep.

At work the next day, I was cooped up in the path lab.  I was thankful to be away from the hustle and bustle of a session day.  Still bleeding and my defenses up, I knew I had to be strong and work to get my mind off of things.  At that moment, Yvonne popped in to say hi and in seeing her kind face I lost it.  She was such a comfort, even if she doesn’t know it.  It was such a relief and a release.   

I don't claim to have had a bond with my baby just yet, I don't claim to know the pain of the loss in the 2nd or 3rd trimester, but how can I be soooo sad?  I go about my day as normal, I’m happy but every now and then it hits me. The sadness comes and goes, but for the most part I can fight it back.  I cried a couple of times afterwards and my husband didn’t know what to say.  I asked him how he felt and he just keeps repeating, “you said it was common early in the pregnancy.”  My heart hurts and I feel like I’m going through this alone.  No one understands me and I don’t even think I understand what I’m feeling.  Where do I begin to mend this broken heart?