un giorno da dimenticare

So this is what it feels like to lose someone you love.
Wow.
Today, it feels like my world slipped away.
I know I shouldn't care or wonder where and how you are.
But I can't hide the hurt inside my broken heart.
But I know I'm not supposed to love you anymore.

"I'll find so many things to do that I won't have the time to think of her.
And then if she's still on my mind I'll try to drink enough to drown the hurt.
And if that don't work...

I'll think of something."

You know the funny thing is I still can't bring myself to bite my nails!  That's stupid, right? And all this because you made that remark.

I can't give you what you want right now.

I don't know why I thought I could?

I tried to plan things out, when what I should have done was jumped.  

A leap of faith.

It's true, though, you're better off without me. 

You can focus on school. Fall in love. Work in something you love! Have babies. 

You deserve that more than anyone else I know.

Today you said "there's no one day."  I read that as we were closing up the office in Killeen and my heart dropped.  Yet another reason to add to the "Killeen cons" list.  Nothing good ever comes out of Killeen.

But I don't believe it.  

"I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. 

I will see her every now and then, and... 

Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody, 

and it's gonna take a long time... 

And then it's perfect. 

I'm in no rush."

The love that I have for you isn't something that will fade.  If anything, it's allowed me to see the changes I need to make. To be happier with myself. To be happier with life, eventhough it feels impossible right now. 

I feel sad, lost, angry. At one point I was trying to rationalize things and thought, "He doesn't mean it.  It's like pushing someone away when you don't want to. Tough Love." But as I sit here writing, my heart is aching becos I know that's not the truth, is it?

One day, I hope to see you.  

I hope to see you smiling back at me.  

I hope to look into your kind eyes and see my good friend. 

But until then, I'll wait. 

Even if it takes another lifetime.