esasperante

Mon, March 7, I had my blood drawn and was told later that day that the test was positive.  I knew this already but figured I would get the levels when the second set came in.  I went in on March 9 for the second draw and was told later that on Mon the level had been ~300 and today's level was ~700.  I was uber excited.  To have the numbers double like they're supposed to put me at ease.  The receptionist informed me that Dr. K wanted to do an ultrasound on Wed when I got back.

Thurs we took off to Flagstaff to watch Nick-My-Boy and Bexter get married.  We made it just in time for the bachelorette party and Little and Bexter noticed I wasn't drinking.  It was a dead give away becos this was definitely a drinking occasion! I had intended to tell these special ladies the news, but I didn't want to take away from the occasion. Instantly, Bexter decided we would name this kid Freebird, after my most favorite burrito place.  Baby Freebird, FB, Baby Bird, Birdie.  We spent the weekend enjoying the mountains, the Grand Canyon, the people, and the food.  It was a short trip but it felt good to see where our best friends come from; what makes them who they are.

March 16, 2011 ~5.4wks

The first night home was nice and cool.  Somewhat reminiscent of Flagstaff.  We slept with the windows open and that was a bad idea.  I woke up with a dry throat and the sniffles.  Tues, first day back at work, I was somewhat miserable but managed to get through the day okay.  Wed, Mar 16, was okay, I was just annoyed to work at the front desk instead of being at my desk.  I left for my appt and that was nerve racking.  During the ultrasound Dr. K found the gestational sac super quickly, but I started to get nervous becos I couldn't see the embryo.  I was about to ask if it was an empty sac when he said, "I see the yolk sac." I told him how I was getting worried and he said, "Yeah, me too, but then I saw this..." and he then pointed out the yolk sac.  I left the office a little discouraged becos I was hoping to see a heartbeat, but Dr. K asked to follow up with me in one week.  He seemed optimistic, as usual, and that put me at ease.

I started feeling ill that same day and my temperature started to rise.  I never broke 100, but I was concerned.  I decided to take a cool shower and my temperature started rising yet again.  I phoned Bexter and asked her what to do.  The call started with me asking if I disturbed her becos she sounded like she had just woken up. She assured me she wasn't and mentioned she had a cold.  I thought maybe I had caught something too becos we had spent some time together and around sneezing/coughing people.   I broke down on the phone and she knew I was scared.   I couldn't hold it in any longer and I told her I was scared about losing Baby Bird. Bexter just graduated from nursing school, but I could hear in her voice how she started out in a joking mood and when she heard me crying, her professionalism kicked in and she became in control of the phone conversation.  She let me know about what temperatures were lethal to a pregnancy and when to call the doctor.  She told me to hydrate and get some rest.  

That night was rough. I was sweating and freezing at the same time. When I woke up I jumped in the shower to get ready for work, but that didn't even help.  I called in to work and was guilted into coming in.  Plus, I couldn't very well leave my best gal hanging and close the office by herself.  I went in at 15:00 and JayKay was nice enough to let us out a little early, but that didn't really pan out becos she spent a good 30 mins talking to me.  So we still closed at 17:30. LOL  Before leaving the office, one of the nurses took my temperature and didn't agree with the thermometer becos I felt hotter than that reading.  I still felt warm by the time I got home, nibbled on some dinner and napped for the rest of the evening.  

Thurs night was a little better, but I was so drained on Fri morning that I called in and decided I would actually rest today.  Well, it turns out that the in-laws were coming in for the weekend and I decided to do a little housework, nothing I couldn't handle or so I thought.  I vacuumed, rearranged some furniture, swept the kitchen, cleaned the counters all in preparation for their visit.  Maund noticed his sister's car from the backyard and ran to the front to see if it was her.  At that moment I must have sneezed or coughed, but it felt like I had peed myself a little.  I know no one wants to talk about involuntary urine leakage, but it happens.  I don't know what compelled me but I checked myself and the next thing I see is blood on my fingers. I yelled "Oh No!" and ran upstairs.  I immediately went to the bathroom and all I could see was blood.  Blood in the toilet, blood on the tissue.  Now I know that one drop of blood in water can seem like a sea of red, so I honestly can't gauge how much blood it was, but it was enough to make me panic.  I immediately phoned Dr. K and the receptionist told me she would relay the info and call me back.  That was at 13:44.  

I called downstairs in the calmest voice I could summon up and asked for Maund to join me.  Once he closed the door behind him I told him I started bleeding.  All I saw was the disappointment on his face.  Not necessarily in me, but in the fact that this would be miscarriage #2.  He immediately told me to lay down and attempted to comfort me.  I just wanted to scream!  I ended up yelling into a pillow, "I can't lose another baby!" He just held me and reiterated "It's not the end of the world. I'm not in a hurry."  How can this not be the end of the world when it feels like your heart is breaking?

Maund brought me lunch in bed, gatorade, tissues, the cat, hugs, kisses...all while we waited to hear back from Dr. K's office.  In the meantime, his parents had arrived and I asked him to visit with them and he told them I was sick with the flu.  Dr. K's office called around 15:30, told me this was not normal and asked me to come in for an ultrasound.  I rushed over and as usual the staff was so friendly and warm.  Once in the room, Dr. K performed an ultrasound and I could see the embryo.  I also saw some amoeba-like areas in the endometrium.  Dr. K said that moving stuff looked like the wall was bleeding a bit.  He also noticed that the sac was exactly where we had last seen it, at the top of the uterus.  He explained that in cases where women are miscarrying, the sac has dislodged from it's original placement or is on it's way out when seen through the ultrasound.  He noticed a slight growth in development in the yolk sac and assured me that things were looking good so far.  The thing I appreciate the most is that he looked me in the eyes and said, "If you were going to bleed it wasn't becos of anything you did.  I want you to  take that weight off your shoulders.  It's not your fault." He said he would be available all weekend and not to hesitate to call.  Who says that?!?! Most doctors will tell you straight up it's your own GD fault:  Put the cheeseburger down! Go exercise! Use condoms! Stop drinking! But here, he tells me it's not my fault.  I'm so used to everything being my fault that his words are comforting. The last thing he said was, "Right now, things look good.  I'm fond of you, but I hope I don't have to see you till Wed!"  We chuckled and he said things could be worse.  I agreed and drove home.

I was so emotional over something measuring only a couple of millimeters in my uterus.  How am I ever going to handle a life-size being that's part of me walking around in the world? How do people do this? More importantly, how do people get through this?