preoccupazioni

#1. “We both know I’m the problem…”

I woke up late this morning.  09:15 is out of character for me.  Maund had taken the dogs for a walk and I stayed behind to be harassed by the cat.  Petrarch was sitting in Maund’s spot in the bed and staring me down in a rather creepy manner.  Breakfast was delicious and I had some errands to run, so all this was done before noon. 

It had been weighing on my mind all day.  The closer it got, the more and more anxious I turned. No use in postponing things, I decided to get ready for my appointment.  The shower helped, but there was still this haze that was suffocating.  It felt like someone was sitting on my chest.  My heart was beating fast and I had a feeling of impending doom.  I turned on my radio and started off where I had stopped yesterday.  Tejano was the continued theme for today and was somewhat comforting.  While doing laundry yesterday I had such an urge to listen to some accordion and think back to times which were happier.

“How long is this gonna take?” asked my husband. 

“Listen, if you don’t wanna go, then don’t!”

“Just give me the $20 copay and I’ll save you some time.  He’s just gonna tell us to have sex.  I told you, I heard from the kids at school that’s how you get pregnant.”

We have this ongoing joke that bumping tummies will get us pregnant.  When we found out we were pregnant awhile back he proclaimed, “I knew it wasn’t just bumping!”

I chuckled for a moment, but the reality was I was still scared.  Why wasn’t he taking this seriously? He asked why I was nervous and I said I didn’t know why.  But after pressing for more answers, I blurted out,

#2.  “You know you can leave me and get someone pregnant tomorrow! I can’t.”

These are things that I had thought and been afraid to say out loud.  I felt a little better after getting that out in the open, but he didn’t respond.

Once at the doctor’s office, there was some paperwork, some waiting in the lobby, and then waiting in a smaller room.  I was still nervous, but knew that I would be put out of my misery in a moment.  While we were waiting, Maund pulls out his phone and Facebook and says, “I’m gonna ‘check-in’.” I shot him this dirty look and he asks, “Whaaaaaaat? You do it to me all the time?”  I glared at him and he circled his finger around the “Places” link on Facebook.  I thought I was going to cry.

#3.  “It’s embarrassing…”

Why you ask?  Becos it is.  At my age and my ethnicity, I should have 5 kids by now!  I tried my hardest to be pregnancy-free up until 2 years ago and now I’m screwing shit up!  How did I royally screw this up?  What’s wrong with my uterus? Is it not nice and fluffy and inviting? 

My ideal situation for conceiving involved: graduating high school, graduating university, owning a house, owning a car, a dog, a cat, a husband.  This is my ideal breeding ground; I’m ready! I prided myself on not being another teen statistic.  I had my fun and got away scot-free.  Or are there actually some consequences I wasn’t aware of?  I mean my eggs aren’t getting any younger.  After 35, the risk of fetal anomalies increases.  Should I have gotten pregnant 10 years ago?

Who am I kidding? I wasn’t ready 10 years ago, but then again which 20 year-old is? At that point you’re just forced into parenthood.  Most simply yield to the inevitable, and I’m thankful for never having to make such a decision.

After talking to Dr. K, things were more light-hearted.  I didn’t feel so weighed down and overall I was more at ease becos we now had a plan.  He was very optimistic about our situation, which made me feel better.  I thought about my interaction with patients and how I have a tendency to give all the facts and make them aware that success is high, “…but there’s always that risk.”  Have I been dashing hopes and dreams for other women? That didn’t happen here.  Dr. K was confident and I felt good.  I’ve decided to offer the same from now on.