il mio cuore V

Taken at the Fredericksburg Brewing Company Biergarten in Fredericksburg, TX. November 2011.

il mio cuore IV

Taken on the beach of San Felipe, Baja California. September 2008.

il mio cuore III

Taken outside at work. April 2007.

due mesi

8 weeks. Eight weeks was all I got.
 And I really thought this was it, ya know?

I was trying not to get excited, but even at last week's ultrasound I was happy to see the heartbeat. And even though it was slow I was hoping things would pick up.

Dr. K asked me if I wanted to look at the monitor while he looked and I said no. But I peeked and could see that he was trying too hard to find the little pulse that was so easy to find last week.

I've been trying to keep my mind off things, but I find myself getting sad if left alone too long with my thoughts.

I'm taking a break after this. I need to focus on me for a little bit. If I were happier with myself would I have better luck?

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cinquantenne

Ever have those moments when you feel like you can't do anything right?
I've felt like that for a while now. A long while.
I wish I could be 50 year old me just to see how life turned out.  Just push the FFwd button.

livelli

Dr. K had me do some bloodwork this morning to check on the pregnancy hormone levels.
Nov 28 - 642
Dec 01 - 2444
Dec 03 - 3769
Dec 05 - 5973

Progress is slow. The numbers are supposed to double every two days.  Dr. K says he's hopeful if the numbers are growing by atleast 50%, but I can't help but feel scared.

What's wrong with me? I know he's hopeful, but I think I know too much.  I think I'm expecting too much that it's messing with my head. Am I ever gonna have my own child? Is this ever gonna happen for me? Am I that miserable that I'm doing this to myself? What's going on? 

Today I am sad.

But today, all was not lost.

guaio