abbracci

Tuesday was a short day at the office.  I still needed to schedule my follow up to surgery, but managed to put it off the past week.  I figured I would have to wait till the following week, but luckily, Dr. K had an opening. His mom fit me in to the afternoon schedule and it was a great visit!

I've mentioned in a previous post that Dr. K is my cheerleader.  His attitude and disposition is something that gives me hope.  When he walked in to the exam room he greeted me with a friendly "HI!" and a bear hug.  I like hugs.  It made me feel more like a friend/family as opposed to a regular patient.  

Earlier, when I was waiting in the lobby I had sent Maund a text: 

"Don't be mad, but I got out early today and Dr. K had an opening. Sorry." 

I know he wanted to be there for this appointment, but deep down I really feel it's becos he's more interested in skipping work than the issue at hand.  

"I'll take good notes. I promise :)"

First, Dr. K reviewed my questions and symptoms following the procedure.  Since everything seemed fine, I was released from restrictions which included no blood thinners, no vaginal activity, and no exercising/strenuous activity.  Second, we reviewed the findings of the procedure.  The results were just as expected, a benign polyp. Finally, we reviewed a new plan of action.

1. Continue prenatal vitamins

2. Call on the first day - full flow of my next menstrual cycle

3. Start a baby aspirin regimen (81mg/day)

4. Start Clomid to prime my follicles

5. Ovidrel injection to release egg(s)

6. Start Progesterone supplement

7. Weekly ultrasound to check development until Week 10

8. Transfer to my regular Ob/Gyn **Fingers Crossed**

I'm good with this plan.  I feel revitalized and ready to take on the world!  This is a completely different story from Monday.

Monday morning, my in-laws had joined Ang at her ultrasound to determine the sex of the baby.  All weekend long we took bets and the consensus was that she was having a girl.  So when my mother-in-law phoned me Monday morning, I was surprised when she said, "Well, it's a boy!"  I asked her to congratulate Ang and went about my day off.  I didn't have anything planned, but I decided to go shopping for things I don't need but have wanted and put off for awhile.  I found 1 thing on my list and the rest of my trip was pretty much a bust.  I was disappointed.

Back at home, I started over analyzing everything.  I started getting really angry and cried a little.  I was jealous and felt like the world was conspiring against me. Why is Ang pregnant? Why does Ang get to have the February/March/April baby? Why does Ang get a boy? In all honesty, I've always wanted a baby boy.  I have nothing but boy names picked out. I have 1....ONE girl name.  I sound crazy, I know.  I sound like a whiny, self-centered bitch. I know! I told myself I would just swallow these horrible thoughts and leave it alone, but I can't.  It's killing me not to be able to speak my mind.  I feel now like I can't be choosey or express what I want, like I have to settle for what's given to me.  It just makes me angry! 

This is how it was supposed to happen: 

Maund is the first born and we were supposed to have the first grandchild.  It really didn't matter what we had as long as we were first.  IF we didn't have the first grandchild then the only way to redeem ourselves was to have a boy to carry on his last name.  Now since the first grandchild is gonna be a boy coming from their only daughter, that means if we want our kid to be loved and showered with gifts equally then we have to have a girl.  And that's probably what's gonna happen.  I'll have a girl and give her a boy's name becos I hate female names.  I don't want a girl.  I've always wanted a boy.  I can work with a girl. 

I know it will be different once I'm pregnant and bonding with the baby, but ugh, I'm so mad!!!! Just thinking about this is frustrating.  Maybe I should give up and adopt.  

Yep, that's what I'll do.  Male Asian baby, it is!