salvami

Today was supposed to be a great day.  How did it end up like this?  It started out mediocre.  I thought about waking you up, but I stopped myself.  I got ready for work and made breakfast.  I heard my texting ringer and I rushed to see if it was you, but it wasn't. 

At work I enjoyed the silence of my office for a minute and then JayKay walked in.  I had delusions of getting a mountain of tasks done, but I wasn't able to focus.  I couldn't concentrate on any single task.  It took me all day to read over 6 policies; something I could have normally completed in an hour or two.  I was even inclined to ask if I could leave early. I didn't feel well at all and I remembered that JayKay and I recently decided we would ask staff to leave their personal lives at home.  I need to lead by example.  How can I expect others to take me seriously if I'm having trouble following these same rules?

Today my mind was "...gone, but I don't know where."  No joke.  It wasn't until after lunch that I realized yesterday I had designated a large task to myself to complete today.  No pussyfootin' around, I called Dr. K's office and asked what the next step would be?  I had some blood work done in May and was told that my pregnancy hormone levels had reached zero again.  That was exciting news to me at that time, until Dr. K instructed me to call back in a month for the next step.  I was so upset, but a month has gone by and I'm more than ready.  This is what I want.

After speaking with Dr. K's office it was decided that I will begin a Provera regimen.  That's a pill a day for 10 days.  I should start my period within 10-14 days and then call in for Clomid, I assume, that part wasn't discussed.

Besides not being able to focus, I received a letter from the state declining to pay an invoice I had sent regarding medical records.  I was just going off of direction from my higher-ups and I laughed becos I should have known better, but ah, these things happen.  I took me a good 20 minutes to fill out the affidavit they requested with the records.  It wasn't difficult to read, I just couldn't focus.  

On the way home I blocked out the majority of the drive.  How did I get home in one piece?  I needed to stop by the pharmacy to pick up my medication, but it looked way too crowded and I went home instead. Dinner consisted of chili dogs: kosher dogs, grated cheddar, plush bun...nice, right? During my last visit to HEB I decided to try out a different chili.  Today was not the day to try new things.  Today was a day for comfort foods.  If you couldn't guess, the chili was a no go.  Another disappointment.

After dinner I left to pick up my meds and it turns out that half of the parking lot is under construction.  No worries, I don't mind parking a little further, I need the exercise.  Once I got to the pharmacy I was surprised to see that there was practically no line.  Normally there's a 30 minute wait just to talk tosomeone around this time! Not today.  The lady before me was in a motorized cart and took up both counters.  I was waiting patiently for her to move out of the way and 2 other people lined up behind me. Outta nowhere, this Spanish speaker approaches the counter and another pharmacy tech tends to her.  Turns out that she needs to pick up a prescription, too, but instead of having her wait in line like the rest of us, she goes before me.  Guess what, I speak Spanish, too! Maybe I wasn't in the mood to wait! Maybe I just want to get the hell out of there and continue this shitty day! The pharmacist tends to me and I end up speaking with the girl who skipped me.  She gives me this attitude.  Hey, I could have raised hell, but I waited.  I didn't complain out loud, but in my head I was yelling. She asks me to confirm my prescription and was getting ready to check me out, but I have a new insurance which she never bothered to confirm.  When I mention this she rolls her eyes and tells me it will take 5 minutes.  As I step aside to wait I can feel the tears coming on.  Was this the straw that broke the camel's back?  My eyes welled with tears and the customer behind me noticed and gave me a look of "aww, I understand" or "aww, it's okay" and I smiled slightly, averted my eyes and tried to think of happy things.  By now the pharm tech was ready, I paid and left. 

I almost lost it at HEB, but instead I came home, changed into my pjs, curled up in bed and let a little stress go.  I don't have anyone to share this with.  That's a lie. I choose not to share this stuff.  That's why I have the entire worldwide web, an abyss of cyberspace where my thoughts can get lost. I choose not to share with people I know becos if you could really see inside my mind you'd wonder why I haven't been committed yet.  

My theme music for today 

come un sole che sorge

My morning drive to Killeen has been rather enjoyable lately.  Granted it's not a drive that I make often, but when I do I get a chance to enjoy my music, a cool breeze, and the countryside. And since it's summertime, the road is well lit, even at 06:15 in the morning.  I would have to say that driving on Phantom Warrior Highway is always the highlight of the drive.  Minus the 2 lane highway and always getting stuck behind an 18-wheeler.  But for over 3 years now I've been telling myself I need to take pictures of certain scenery.  I hope to follow through with this soon enough. 

After passing through Florence, TX, I noticed a massive rain cloud blocking the sunlight.  At that moment Come un sole che sorge by il Nucleo started playing on my iPod.  And when Andrea sings "...meravigliosa sorgente di luce" is when the sun started to shine through the darkness with such splendor! It was so perfectly timed, so well orchestrated, that I started to smile.  Paying more attention to the lyrics and having the sun follow me, peeping in and out of the cloud, I began to tear up.  So here I am driving with tears in my eyes, singing at the top of my lungs, and basking in the glory of a star that sits approximately 93 million miles away!

Now the ending of this song is one that I really enjoy. "Sono un sole che sorge! Un'altro piccolo sole che sorge..." and as I'm singing these last couple of lines the sun is to my right and reaffirming the goodness present today.

So this positive, energetic feeling got me thinking about Roma and hanging out with the band.  My anthem for that summer was Sospeso.  It was my introduction to il Nucleo, and come to think of it, it might have been the rest of Italy's introduction to the band, too.  July 4, 2003, I was scheduled to travel to Firenze with some classmates, but instead I stuck around Roma for work.  I was in much need of some me time and loçkë had gone to Kaçanik for a quick visit.  The week prior I had spent my afternoons visiting the different music stores looking for their album Meccanismi.  Everyone I asked knew nothing about them or didn't have it in stock.  I finally decided to visit their website and look for the actual release date.  I saw that instead they would be playing inside Messaggerie Musicali on Via del corso! I was super excited about both being able to see the band live and the fact that this was taking place on Independence Day! 

I had asked Rose and Nevin if they wanted to join me since they stayed behind, too.  And when I got to the store I was alone.  The crowd was scant to say the least (less than 20 and that's a stretch) and my friends ended up showing a little late, but they made it and helped the turnout look a little better.  The band came out and Rose and I were amazed at how beautiful they were!  I was so mesmerized by the music and how they played and how they were dressed and how they acted.  I was In LoVe!  After the set I went and purchased their CD and contemplated on having them sign it.  I was nervous and shy and it took some coaxing, but Rose made me approach them for their autographs.  I opened with, "Sono venuta dal Texas solo a vedervi!"  Texas was my foot in the door.  Andrea and Marcello exclaimed, "Ah, Texas!" and Marcel began to talk about a Houston experience.  After taking pix and getting the autographs, I walked back to Rose and Nevin and stood star struck for a moment.  

I noticed that all the hub bub was dying down and the band was still there.  I felt invincible and asked Rose and Nevin if I should ask them out.  "It couldn't hurt," was Rose's response and Nevin agreed.  So I summed up all my courage and approached the band.  I asked if I could buy them a drink and to my surprise they were more than excited.  We walked down to Trinity College and enjoyed some drinks, we talked about their experiences on their small tour, Texas, music and Andrea made a remark about being in Roma for the first time.  I was taken aback and offered them a tour of Rome called "Roma...by Night" which uncle Mario had taken us on our first night there.  Aunt Suzy's boyfriend was excited to practice his English and his night tour included 5 people crammed into a tiny white hatchback driving at lightning speed along very narrow roads to see some historical sights...by night. Just thinking about it makes me smile. We walked EVERYWHERE! La Fontana di Trevi, Piazza di Spagna, Piazza Venezia, Piazza del Popolo, Largo Argentina, il Colosseo, il Foro Romano, Mussolini's balcony (Andrea did a great impersonation), Via Veneto (Little America), Via Condotti, Piazza Navona, Trastevere...everywhere!  We ended with Trevi and threw in some change to return to Roma one day.  Gosh, those ragazzi really made that Independence Day memorable and it's nice to know that they haven't forgotten about their #1 fan dal Texas.  

veranda

These last 2 nights I've been having trouble staying asleep.  My throat has been killing me and I decided to take Nyquil last night.  I remember mostly me and Yuni waiting for an aerobics class to begin, but we weren't at the gym.  We were waiting for one of those music rooms that you have to sign up for.  Ya know, the kind with a piano and bench and you take your music and just play and everything is muted? A practice room.

We enter once the room is ready and there's a piano, but I have this anxious feeling like I'm waiting for a ride and I don't want to miss them.  I walk back towards the front of the building past the other practice rooms and wait in the lobby.  Only now it's a reception/lobby/bar of a small hotel, almost galley-like, very narrow.  I've been outside this hotel before, just walking past it, but in another dream maybe 1 or 2 months ago.  

I'm waiting in the seating area. It's got a great lounge feel to it with big plush velvety purple chairs and candles everywhere!  Then a Hispanic gentleman approaches me and I have this feeling that I used to date him a long time ago, but I don't know if it was anyone from my real life.  He's a minor distraction and he mentions something about soccer when I realize that the person I've been waiting for has already come and gone.  

I rush out the front of the hotel and into an apartment building but I take a wrong turn and the whole first story turns out to be someone's apartment.  I found this out the hard way, I opened a white 6 panel door with a bright light radiating from around it but instead I find an old lady sitting on the toilet! Eww.  She points me in the right direction and I end up walking out her front door only now I'm on a wooden front porch with some stairs leading down to the ground.  

I follow them down to the ground and when I look back towards the house again, it's actually an apartment building and all the balconies are adorned with bikes/flowers/laundry/wind chimes, tons of randomness.  I look back down the street and see a row of houses that are pier and beam and sit up from the ground.  I start running along the houses on the right hand side and am frantically looking for one house in particular, but I don't know which one. 

There's a blue house that I run past with a woman standing on the front porch.  She calls to me, "Over here! You past it!" as she's waving me down.  It's your mom.  I run up to meet her, give her a hug, and we sit on the steps of the porch just talking.  She's talking and I am intrigued, but I don't know what she's saying.  She's also smoking a small joint and she offers but I decline.  She gets up to water some plants on her porch and she walks back and forth still talking.  I feel at peace.  She sits back down, still talking, and at that point her right hand reaches for my face.  Her thumb is positioned to sit on my chin while her index finger and other fingers are slightly curled under my chin/jaw.  She looks me in the eyes and with kindness and empathy in her eyes she says, "I know."

And then I wake up with a pain in my throat.

Maybe it was the combination of alcohol and hypnotic meds in the Nyquil, I don't know.  Why would I dream about talking to your mom? All views of this dream had a patina hue to it except when I was talking with your mom.  That scene had a light bluish tint.  Kinda like a freshness.  I don't know if that even makes sense, but that's the easiest way I can describe it.

Weird, huh?

babbo

Seeing my uncle in a fragile condition has got me thinking more and more about my Pops.  He's no "spring chicken" - as he would say- and now that I'm older I'm starting to worry.  I recently started listening to classic country again, thanks due to my Tio Nene, and it's very comforting.  I downloaded a couple of tracks from VH1 Storytellers: Johnny Cash & Willie Nelson and the pair reminds me so much of my Pops and Tio Nene.  This all started becos I promised to make some CDs for my uncle.  I'm hoping it will help him recuperate much faster.

Tio is definitely Johnny Cash.  Tall, dark figure, moody, charismatic when he wants to be, but a serious stern look on his face when he's not smiling.  Pops on the other hand is all Willie Nelson.  Laid back, happy, a true cowboy and serious when he wants to be, very personable minus being a pothead.  Besides these characteristics, it got me thinking about growing up country and how my dad absolutely loved "On the Road Again."  

I wonder if settling down was tough for him.  He seems like the kind of man that could keep on driving forever.  He loves the drive, the sights, the people, but most of all, I think he loves singing to music.  So when I was in the 5th grade, my sister had married and moved to Killeen a year prior becos her husband was in the military.  I was 10 years old and had no earthly idea where or what Killeen was.  All I knew was that my sister was there and we were gonna go visit.  I was pretty excited to see her after so long and was even more surprised when my Pops handed me a map of Texas and told me to map a route from Sabinal to Killeen and avoid the interstates.  Who does that?  I was totally stoked and grabbed a pencil and started making a route through towns in the Hill Country that I was already familiar with.  Was I that smart or did my Pops have that much faith in my map routing abilities?  Just think, a 10 yr old planning a driving trip, that's crazy!

I remember that first trip.  We spent somewhere between 4-5 hours on that trip.  Only recently did I realize that trip should have only taken 3 hours! The roads were alive with wildflowers and Texas rain.  We traveled through Hondo, Bandera, Pipe Creek to 281.  Then headed north through Johnson City, Marble Falls, Lampasas, then East through Copperas Cove and finally Killeen.  And we stopped EVERYWHERE! I remember getting some good chicken tenders and potato wedges at this chicken place that had a chicken mascot wearing a cowboy hat.  Or seeing the sky turn different shades of pink/orange/gray with the dusk.  It took a long time, but we spent the whole time listening to country music and singing at the top of our lungs.  Looking back I wonder if Mum was at all annoyed by us.  Have you ever seen Heartbreak Kid with Ben Stiller? That beginning part where they're traveling to Mexico and his bride has been singing the whole way? That's what we did.  I wonder why Mum never said anything?

These are the songs that really stick out in my mind.  The lyrics have no relevance to my life or that particular time frame, but the music takes me back to those trips.  It was always cool, weather-wise, I remember that. When I hear these songs I feel like I'm sitting in between my folks in that 1980's red Ford pickup just singing away with my Pops.  But most of all I remember being at peace, happiness and feeling safe. I had it made back then. 

George Strait - So Much Like My Dad

Mark Chesnutt - I'll Think of Something

-_-

delusione

As I was getting ready for work this morning I went to the fridge to pick out my lunch.  I went to grab a Gatorade and BAM!...

                8 Gatorade bottles staring me in the face with an expiration date of November 12, 2011...

the baby's due date.

                                                                  My eyes swelled with tears.  (;_;)   
                            I got frustrated. (>_<)
                                                                 But it all comes back to disappointment. (,_,)

It's silly, I know.  I can't help it.

superstite

1 April 2011 - I had trouble sleeping the night before. I went to work with the intentions of telling my supervisors what had been going on with me.  I was constantly using my lunch break for dr's appointments and wasn't myself.  I felt like I was letting down our team and being rather flakey. I was relieved to hear them say that they were sincerely worried about my health and understood if I needed time.  I explained that too much time to myself would cause me to go crazy.  I can't be left alone with my thoughts.  I did however take the afternoon off and the next day.

13:10 - Took Zofran. 

I had an appointment at 13:45 for vaginal insertion of 800mcg of Misoprostol.  It's a prostaglandin so I knew what I was in store for.  The previous day when I asked Dr. K's office whether I needed to prepare or what to do about pain medicine or take the day off I was met with, "You can take Motrin and go back to work afterwards."  Now I'm very familiar with this drug and we usually tell women to 1. take the day off 2. we will prescribe Vicodin 3. have a support person.  The most common side effects that we tell patients about include: vaginal bleeding, cramping, fever, chills, nausea, diarrhea.  It's not a very pleasant medication and I even joke with patients that you may have liquids coming out of every orifice.  I was absolutely dumbfounded and in shock when I saw how much Misoprostol was being prescribed.  So when I went in for the insertion I laid out my demands and made sure to have confirmation before proceeding with the insertion.  

14:00 - I left Dr. K's office, sad and nervous, analyzing every little discomfort, wondering if that's what I'm supposed to experience.  I didn't receive any explanation or walk-through of what to expect, but lucky me, I already knew.  As I was driving home I wasn't really thinking.  I was just relieved about not getting into an accident.  I felt numb. I arrived before Maund who had been out and about gathering supplies from the list I had left on the fridge:

• Gatorade
• Ibuprofen
• Heating Pad
• Thermometer
• Pads 

He even called to ask what I meant by pads.  I said maxipads and he thought I meant additional pads for the heating pad.  When Maund finally got home he displayed the bounty of items and with eagerness began to describe each item. "48 pads, BAM! I splurged on the heating pad and thermometer...9 seconds!  I got the BIG bottle of Ibuprofen." I chuckled and said, "You splurged on everything BUT the pads!"  He was looking at quantity and opted for the Wal-Mart Equate brand. "They all looked the same to me. Sorry, " he replied. 

14:22 - Took 800mg of Ibuprofen.  I then calculated when to take another...in 6 hours.  I went to lie down on the couch and this pain, a sharp shooting pain like a lightning bolt, shot through my vagina and then into my vulva.  "Fuck! Is this what it's gonna be like," I wondered. I also had Maund take off again to pick up my Vicodin prescription.  When he got back to the house with it I looked over the label.  I wasn't sure whether to be thankful or offended.  Dr. K had prescribed 20 pills! We normally prescribe only 5.  Did he think I was an addict? Or did he just not want to get a call in the middle of the night asking for more meds? I was furious, I don't think my demands were outrageous.  It kinda felt like a slap in the face.  That prescription of Vicodin will last me another 10-20 years.

14:00-15:00 (Hour 1): Mostly mild menstrual type cramping. Not too annoying.  Soothed by Ibuprofen and the heating pad.  I was wrapped in  a blanket on the couch, but that could be due to the A/C on too low.  We like it cold. No bleeding

15:00-16:00 (Hour 2): Not too much activity.  Some of the same as the first hour.  No bleeding.  Nothing noticeable.

16:00-17:00 (Hour 3): The cramps are starting to resemble those of a bowel movement. At 16:38 I get up to use the bathroom.  Much to my relief it's just a bowel movement, but afterwards I keep feeling the same pressure and can't tell if these are uterine cramps or stomach/bowel cramps.  So I stay put a little bit and wait it out.  Before the hour was done I had been to the bathroom 3 times.  Diarrhea, check. Nausea, super mild thanks to the Zofran, check. Spotting, check.

17:00 - Maund suggested that I take some pain meds just in case.  I had taken Vicodin before and gotten nauseous, so I decided to only take 1/2 of the 5-500mg tablet. 

17:00-18:00 (Hour 4): The cramps are getting stronger.  I was glad to have taken the Vicodin, but it hadn't really kicked in. I turned up the heating pad, but it wasn't helping as much anymore.  I start wriggling and writhing and it's really hurting. At this point my cramping on a scale of 1-10 is at a 7 or 8.  

From the beginning of the hour, the cramping intensified rapidly.  We joked that this is probably a fraction of what contractions feel like and if that was the case then "count me out!" It feels like an invisible hand has got my uterus in it's clutches and it's strangling it.  The grip is constant and at this point Maund catches me whimpering.  I know he saw the pain in my eyes and face; I saw the worry in his.  My husband suggests I take the other half of the Vicodin and I give in.  For another good 30 mins I'm clutching the couch in one hand and my husband's hand in the other.  I'm cold and still wrapped in the blanket, but now I'm sweating profusely.  Maund was thoughtful enough to run and grab a damp paper towel and dab me with it.  The coolness brought such relief to my skin, but nowhere near enough for my uterus.  Towards the end of the hour is where I notice the cramping has gone away.  Or better yet, the discomfort has gone away.  I remember looking at the clock at 17:55 because it felt like a veil or a curtain closing on my uterus.  I envisioned a velvety burgundy theatre curtain closing and blocking the light from the crowd so all I could see was the stage in the darkness.  I felt pressure or motion of my uterus, but it didn't hurt anymore.  Kinda like the stage crew moving around props, but no pain. That relief also brought sleep and Maund went outside to play with the dogs.

*sidenote - There are plenty of women who choose to terminate a pregnancy using this similar method.  Misoprostol is usually taken 24-48 hours after Mifepristone.  We tell women to make sure to have a support person and have their children somewhere else.  I understand why now.  My dogs are my children.  Gizmo was a great alternative to a heating pad and stayed next to me.  Bear was worried and stayed by my side.  Had these been young human children they would not understand why mommy is in pain.  Having my husband there to tend to the dogs and let me rest was a luxury.  I can't even begin to think about women who agree to a dr's protocol knowing full well that they don't have the luxury of sending their kids off to daycare or having someone to nurture them.  But then again, I'm well aware that women are strong individuals and will go to the ends of the earth to either save or terminate a pregnancy.

18:00-19:00 (Hour 5): I slept for the most part.  I did get up once to use the bathroom and the minute I stood up it felt like the flood gates had opened.  I waddled to the bathroom, checked my pad, and just waited until the blood that had pooled during my nap drained.  There were some clots, nothing large but similar to clots during my period.  I lied back down and napped again.

19:00-20:00 (Hour 6): By 19:30 I noticed that my cramping had come back and was counting down the time to when I could take some more Ibuprofen.  I went ahead and took another 1/2 tablet of Vicodin.  Julie called to check-in and see how I was doing.  We chatted a little and once I hung up I made a beeline for the bathroom yet again.  More flood gates, but this felt different.  I clenched my muscles a bit and I lowered my underwear making sure to have my bottom over the toilet seat.  Mostly my bottom is touching the seat and I am able to relax, but this time, in mid air I have blood streaming into the bowl.  I've never had that before.  I was relieved to not have missed.  I did a perimeter check and luckily there was no mess on the floor.  I start to pee and out of nowhere I feel something drop.  It was a clot and it felt big.  I can't really see it in the bowl so I shrug it off and go lie down.

20:00 - Took 800mg of Ibuprofen.

20:00-21:00 (Hour 7): Not much activity.  Some bleeding, but nothing like before.  

21:00 - Took 1/2 of the 5-500mg of Vicodin. 

The rest of the night was mellow.  I expected to have a lot of bleeding through out the night, but that's not the case.  I barely had any bleeding...same thing for when I woke up the next day.

Saturday - No cramping, light flow.

Same for Sunday.

4 April 2011 - Today I woke up with a little gush.  I had some cramping so I took some Ibuprofen.  After my morning walk, shower, and breakfast I went to pee and felt 2 large clots fall out of my vagina.  It was unnerving, but I quickly snapped out of it. I was more relieved that they hadn't fallen out in the shower when I was cleaning myself.

I imagine the next 2-4 weeks will be like this.  I'm ready for it...I guess.