dita incrociate

I took my last pill of Provera yesterday.  I'm a little excited.  The regimen involved 1 pill/day for 10 days.
It's definitely nerve-wrecking to wait around to get my period and then start taking Clomid.

sigh.
       =^_^= Fingers crossed (yn)

preoccupazioni

#1. “We both know I’m the problem…”

I woke up late this morning.  09:15 is out of character for me.  Maund had taken the dogs for a walk and I stayed behind to be harassed by the cat.  Petrarch was sitting in Maund’s spot in the bed and staring me down in a rather creepy manner.  Breakfast was delicious and I had some errands to run, so all this was done before noon. 

It had been weighing on my mind all day.  The closer it got, the more and more anxious I turned. No use in postponing things, I decided to get ready for my appointment.  The shower helped, but there was still this haze that was suffocating.  It felt like someone was sitting on my chest.  My heart was beating fast and I had a feeling of impending doom.  I turned on my radio and started off where I had stopped yesterday.  Tejano was the continued theme for today and was somewhat comforting.  While doing laundry yesterday I had such an urge to listen to some accordion and think back to times which were happier.

“How long is this gonna take?” asked my husband. 

“Listen, if you don’t wanna go, then don’t!”

“Just give me the $20 copay and I’ll save you some time.  He’s just gonna tell us to have sex.  I told you, I heard from the kids at school that’s how you get pregnant.”

We have this ongoing joke that bumping tummies will get us pregnant.  When we found out we were pregnant awhile back he proclaimed, “I knew it wasn’t just bumping!”

I chuckled for a moment, but the reality was I was still scared.  Why wasn’t he taking this seriously? He asked why I was nervous and I said I didn’t know why.  But after pressing for more answers, I blurted out,

#2.  “You know you can leave me and get someone pregnant tomorrow! I can’t.”

These are things that I had thought and been afraid to say out loud.  I felt a little better after getting that out in the open, but he didn’t respond.

Once at the doctor’s office, there was some paperwork, some waiting in the lobby, and then waiting in a smaller room.  I was still nervous, but knew that I would be put out of my misery in a moment.  While we were waiting, Maund pulls out his phone and Facebook and says, “I’m gonna ‘check-in’.” I shot him this dirty look and he asks, “Whaaaaaaat? You do it to me all the time?”  I glared at him and he circled his finger around the “Places” link on Facebook.  I thought I was going to cry.

#3.  “It’s embarrassing…”

Why you ask?  Becos it is.  At my age and my ethnicity, I should have 5 kids by now!  I tried my hardest to be pregnancy-free up until 2 years ago and now I’m screwing shit up!  How did I royally screw this up?  What’s wrong with my uterus? Is it not nice and fluffy and inviting? 

My ideal situation for conceiving involved: graduating high school, graduating university, owning a house, owning a car, a dog, a cat, a husband.  This is my ideal breeding ground; I’m ready! I prided myself on not being another teen statistic.  I had my fun and got away scot-free.  Or are there actually some consequences I wasn’t aware of?  I mean my eggs aren’t getting any younger.  After 35, the risk of fetal anomalies increases.  Should I have gotten pregnant 10 years ago?

Who am I kidding? I wasn’t ready 10 years ago, but then again which 20 year-old is? At that point you’re just forced into parenthood.  Most simply yield to the inevitable, and I’m thankful for never having to make such a decision.

After talking to Dr. K, things were more light-hearted.  I didn’t feel so weighed down and overall I was more at ease becos we now had a plan.  He was very optimistic about our situation, which made me feel better.  I thought about my interaction with patients and how I have a tendency to give all the facts and make them aware that success is high, “…but there’s always that risk.”  Have I been dashing hopes and dreams for other women? That didn’t happen here.  Dr. K was confident and I felt good.  I’ve decided to offer the same from now on.

fortuna

My fortune this morning. Things are starting to look up!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

nervosa

Yesterday, Friday, was a late day.  I wasn't scheduled to go in to work until 11am, so I took advantage of the time.  I woke up early and had leftovers for breakfast, chillaxed with the furbabies, showered, ate a small quick lunch becos I knew there would be no break in sight once I set foot in the path lab. But what mostly hung in the back of my mind was making an appointment with a fertility specialist.

I was nervous, but bit the bullet and called for a Monday appointment. Why was I nervous? I don't really know.  It seems silly now, but my palms were sweating and my heart was beating fast.  Once I called I started out with, "I know this is a long shot, but I'll be a new patient, I have insurance, Do you have anything open this coming Monday?" The receptionist paused for a moment and offered an afternoon appointment. I felt silly becos the day before the receptionist from our vet had marched into my work place and was acting a fool! She walked in demanding that we verify her insurance, but didn't want to make an appointment.  Plus, she wanted pricing for surgeries that we normally take care of during a consult, and the billing specialist is the one who handles that! The coworker bombarded with this craziness seemed annoyed so I intervened. I popped over to the check-in window and greeted the gal, "Heeeeeeeey, you work over at Brodie?! I'm Bear's mom!" She recognized me and changed her tone.  She was much more compliant after that.  I thought to myself, "Who does that?" Who walks into an office and acts crazy?  And is it okay to act crazy if you don't know anyone there? But what if you run in to someone you know? I'd be embarrassed for acting like a nut.

I dwelled on the idea of the appointment all day.  I'll admit that I was somewhat distracted at work, but I was by myself.  After a work day that lasted two hours too long, I rushed home and got ready for my bestfriend's husband's HS team's soccer match.  Those kids are super adorable and tiny! It's the JV team, but they have spunk and won 2-0 against Lake Travis. 

Once at home I realized that I had been going non-stop all day and fell into bed.  Maybe I'm not so nervous after all. 

l'ultima giornata d'estate

It seemed to be getting colder and you could feel autumn kickin' in.  But as luck would have it, Texas would be experiencing hotter weather which opened up the opportunity for a final tubing trip of the season!

Our tubing trips always render excitement and mishaps and they've come to an end for the year.  Until next summer!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.2

una settimana

For one week I was the happiest person in the world. 

For one week I envisioned a lifetime of happiness.

For one week we fantasized about a little “us.”

I found out on my day off that my HCG levels were D

                                                                                 R

                                                                                       O

                                                                                             P

                                                                                                 Ping. 

I wasn't very far into the pregnancy, but my husband and I were ecstatic about finally becoming parents.  I knew that miscarriage in the first trimester was very common, but

I hoped it wouldn't be me.

So, what happened?

Well…the day after my birthday I needed a refill on a medication.  I had mentioned in passing to the nurse that my test was a faint positive, so in order to refill the medication I had to have quants drawn.  I had blood drawn in the morning and by 15:00, it was confirmed…the test was PoSiTiVe!  We would have known sooner, but the printer  at work was jammed.  It wasn’t till the afternoon that the floodwater of faxes came pouring through.  I wasn’t aware till later that a friend had seen the results and did me a favor by keeping it a secret…even from me.  I texted Maund, who was working on some tunes upstairs in the music room.  I walked over to the staircase and he walked over to the top of stairs.  We smiled at each other and he asked, “for reals?”  I confirmed it.  I ran upstairs and we cuddled on the couch in shock.  I was so excited; Maund was speechless.

Over the next couple of days I had additional quants drawn.  In that time we talked about a savings account and college funds.  We discussed maternity leave and insurance policies.  I searched for information on dietary needs, baby names, and nursery ideas.  It was finally happening…or so we thought.

I started spotting and didn’t think too much about it.  I knew it was normal to have a “period” or bleeding early into the pregnancy.  Wednesday; another blood sample.  Thursday, my day off, I get a call and was informed that the hormone levels were dropping.  

I swear my <3

                       <3

                            <3

                                 <3 dropped, too.

 I did my best to hold it together, but as soon as the call ended I fell apart.  I was alone.  I freaked out Bear.  I contemplated calling Maund, but I didn’t want to ruin his day.  I wanted to call someone, but no one knew.  I wanted to call my sister and my mom, but the last thing I wanted was to worry them.  And to make matters worse, during my errands that day I had purchased What to Expect When You’re Expecting at Half Price Books. I cried in the kitchen and on the couch.  I couldn't stand it so I drove around to get my mind off things.  I cried in the car, I cried in the store, I cried in traffic.  I came home and cleared out some stuff from my kitchen cabinets and went to donate it, I cried there, too. Driving around after getting the news I wanted someone to hit my car.  It was a rainy day and I figured someone would hit me.  I wanted someone to blame.  I wanted to be mad at someone.  Is that crazy?

That night I started bleeding. I cried with my husband. I tossed and turned all night and was anxiety ridden about what to expect.  Will it be like a period or will it be a little more painful?  I work at a gynecologist's office and I deal with these things day in and day out.  Why was this still so extremely difficult? The only thing that got me through that night was the sound of Maund’s heartbeat, which had gotten me through so many worries before, but still I quietly cried myself to sleep.

At work the next day, I was cooped up in the path lab.  I was thankful to be away from the hustle and bustle of a session day.  Still bleeding and my defenses up, I knew I had to be strong and work to get my mind off of things.  At that moment, Yvonne popped in to say hi and in seeing her kind face I lost it.  She was such a comfort, even if she doesn’t know it.  It was such a relief and a release.   

I don't claim to have had a bond with my baby just yet, I don't claim to know the pain of the loss in the 2nd or 3rd trimester, but how can I be soooo sad?  I go about my day as normal, I’m happy but every now and then it hits me. The sadness comes and goes, but for the most part I can fight it back.  I cried a couple of times afterwards and my husband didn’t know what to say.  I asked him how he felt and he just keeps repeating, “you said it was common early in the pregnancy.”  My heart hurts and I feel like I’m going through this alone.  No one understands me and I don’t even think I understand what I’m feeling.  Where do I begin to mend this broken heart?

tanti auguri a me

Wednesday, August 4 - A faint positive…could my eyes be deceiving me?  I had taken a test on Saturday before Smalls’ birthday outing and it was completely negative.  I wanted to play it safe so I opted to be the DD for that evening.  And now, on my birthday, the one gift that I’ve hoped for over a year.  I showed Maund and he didn’t believe it all.  He asked me what I thought and I said, “I’ve called this positive before for women coming to the office.”  Maund was shocked and said, “Damn, that’s hardcore!” 

At Rain with the trannies.

I got ready for work and prepared for a day full of surprises.  I was showered with some of the best gifts I could fathom.  Dr. Pepper, a ginormous, floating mug, flowers, cupcakes…the works!  All in all, I made out like a bandit at work. 

That evening we gathered with my best friends (sans 3 important people) at Uchi.  We feasted on sushi, laughed about our college indiscretions, and I shared some thoughts of their importance in my life.  The evening came to a close and so began a much needed mini vacation.  I was in need of break and some time to clear my head.

I was fortunate enough to have visited with some sorority sisters that Friday.  We enjoyed a day at Barton Springs, followed by dinner at Nuevo Leon.  It was fun to dine with sisters and just looked around the table to see Alpha, Beta, and Gamma class.  I had fun catching up with such wonderful women.

That Sunday was the day of my Birthday Tubing Extravaganza 2010.  Many of my close friends and coworkers braved the trip to Canyon Lake to float the Guadalupe.  And through this little trip, it was nice to see everyone just kick and unwind.  We’re always wound so tight at work, it felt good to let loose.  And if you’ve never floated the Guadalupe, I would highly recommend it!  The twists and turns and rapids make for a most excellent adventure…in our experience, the best Birthday Tubing Extravaganza thus far.  Well, the only one, thus far. ;)