abbracci

Tuesday was a short day at the office.  I still needed to schedule my follow up to surgery, but managed to put it off the past week.  I figured I would have to wait till the following week, but luckily, Dr. K had an opening. His mom fit me in to the afternoon schedule and it was a great visit!

I've mentioned in a previous post that Dr. K is my cheerleader.  His attitude and disposition is something that gives me hope.  When he walked in to the exam room he greeted me with a friendly "HI!" and a bear hug.  I like hugs.  It made me feel more like a friend/family as opposed to a regular patient.  

Earlier, when I was waiting in the lobby I had sent Maund a text: 

"Don't be mad, but I got out early today and Dr. K had an opening. Sorry." 

I know he wanted to be there for this appointment, but deep down I really feel it's becos he's more interested in skipping work than the issue at hand.  

"I'll take good notes. I promise :)"

First, Dr. K reviewed my questions and symptoms following the procedure.  Since everything seemed fine, I was released from restrictions which included no blood thinners, no vaginal activity, and no exercising/strenuous activity.  Second, we reviewed the findings of the procedure.  The results were just as expected, a benign polyp. Finally, we reviewed a new plan of action.

1. Continue prenatal vitamins

2. Call on the first day - full flow of my next menstrual cycle

3. Start a baby aspirin regimen (81mg/day)

4. Start Clomid to prime my follicles

5. Ovidrel injection to release egg(s)

6. Start Progesterone supplement

7. Weekly ultrasound to check development until Week 10

8. Transfer to my regular Ob/Gyn **Fingers Crossed**

I'm good with this plan.  I feel revitalized and ready to take on the world!  This is a completely different story from Monday.

Monday morning, my in-laws had joined Ang at her ultrasound to determine the sex of the baby.  All weekend long we took bets and the consensus was that she was having a girl.  So when my mother-in-law phoned me Monday morning, I was surprised when she said, "Well, it's a boy!"  I asked her to congratulate Ang and went about my day off.  I didn't have anything planned, but I decided to go shopping for things I don't need but have wanted and put off for awhile.  I found 1 thing on my list and the rest of my trip was pretty much a bust.  I was disappointed.

Back at home, I started over analyzing everything.  I started getting really angry and cried a little.  I was jealous and felt like the world was conspiring against me. Why is Ang pregnant? Why does Ang get to have the February/March/April baby? Why does Ang get a boy? In all honesty, I've always wanted a baby boy.  I have nothing but boy names picked out. I have 1....ONE girl name.  I sound crazy, I know.  I sound like a whiny, self-centered bitch. I know! I told myself I would just swallow these horrible thoughts and leave it alone, but I can't.  It's killing me not to be able to speak my mind.  I feel now like I can't be choosey or express what I want, like I have to settle for what's given to me.  It just makes me angry! 

This is how it was supposed to happen: 

Maund is the first born and we were supposed to have the first grandchild.  It really didn't matter what we had as long as we were first.  IF we didn't have the first grandchild then the only way to redeem ourselves was to have a boy to carry on his last name.  Now since the first grandchild is gonna be a boy coming from their only daughter, that means if we want our kid to be loved and showered with gifts equally then we have to have a girl.  And that's probably what's gonna happen.  I'll have a girl and give her a boy's name becos I hate female names.  I don't want a girl.  I've always wanted a boy.  I can work with a girl. 

I know it will be different once I'm pregnant and bonding with the baby, but ugh, I'm so mad!!!! Just thinking about this is frustrating.  Maybe I should give up and adopt.  

Yep, that's what I'll do.  Male Asian baby, it is!

preoccupazioni

#1. “We both know I’m the problem…”

I woke up late this morning.  09:15 is out of character for me.  Maund had taken the dogs for a walk and I stayed behind to be harassed by the cat.  Petrarch was sitting in Maund’s spot in the bed and staring me down in a rather creepy manner.  Breakfast was delicious and I had some errands to run, so all this was done before noon. 

It had been weighing on my mind all day.  The closer it got, the more and more anxious I turned. No use in postponing things, I decided to get ready for my appointment.  The shower helped, but there was still this haze that was suffocating.  It felt like someone was sitting on my chest.  My heart was beating fast and I had a feeling of impending doom.  I turned on my radio and started off where I had stopped yesterday.  Tejano was the continued theme for today and was somewhat comforting.  While doing laundry yesterday I had such an urge to listen to some accordion and think back to times which were happier.

“How long is this gonna take?” asked my husband. 

“Listen, if you don’t wanna go, then don’t!”

“Just give me the $20 copay and I’ll save you some time.  He’s just gonna tell us to have sex.  I told you, I heard from the kids at school that’s how you get pregnant.”

We have this ongoing joke that bumping tummies will get us pregnant.  When we found out we were pregnant awhile back he proclaimed, “I knew it wasn’t just bumping!”

I chuckled for a moment, but the reality was I was still scared.  Why wasn’t he taking this seriously? He asked why I was nervous and I said I didn’t know why.  But after pressing for more answers, I blurted out,

#2.  “You know you can leave me and get someone pregnant tomorrow! I can’t.”

These are things that I had thought and been afraid to say out loud.  I felt a little better after getting that out in the open, but he didn’t respond.

Once at the doctor’s office, there was some paperwork, some waiting in the lobby, and then waiting in a smaller room.  I was still nervous, but knew that I would be put out of my misery in a moment.  While we were waiting, Maund pulls out his phone and Facebook and says, “I’m gonna ‘check-in’.” I shot him this dirty look and he asks, “Whaaaaaaat? You do it to me all the time?”  I glared at him and he circled his finger around the “Places” link on Facebook.  I thought I was going to cry.

#3.  “It’s embarrassing…”

Why you ask?  Becos it is.  At my age and my ethnicity, I should have 5 kids by now!  I tried my hardest to be pregnancy-free up until 2 years ago and now I’m screwing shit up!  How did I royally screw this up?  What’s wrong with my uterus? Is it not nice and fluffy and inviting? 

My ideal situation for conceiving involved: graduating high school, graduating university, owning a house, owning a car, a dog, a cat, a husband.  This is my ideal breeding ground; I’m ready! I prided myself on not being another teen statistic.  I had my fun and got away scot-free.  Or are there actually some consequences I wasn’t aware of?  I mean my eggs aren’t getting any younger.  After 35, the risk of fetal anomalies increases.  Should I have gotten pregnant 10 years ago?

Who am I kidding? I wasn’t ready 10 years ago, but then again which 20 year-old is? At that point you’re just forced into parenthood.  Most simply yield to the inevitable, and I’m thankful for never having to make such a decision.

After talking to Dr. K, things were more light-hearted.  I didn’t feel so weighed down and overall I was more at ease becos we now had a plan.  He was very optimistic about our situation, which made me feel better.  I thought about my interaction with patients and how I have a tendency to give all the facts and make them aware that success is high, “…but there’s always that risk.”  Have I been dashing hopes and dreams for other women? That didn’t happen here.  Dr. K was confident and I felt good.  I’ve decided to offer the same from now on.