I called Dr. K's office on Monday to inquire more about the surgery. The way things work is I call and leave a question for the doctor and someone calls me back with his response. After thinking things over I decided that the surgery would be the best option and could increase my chances of continuing a pregnancy. I'm still scared. Not so much about the surgery, but about feeling vulnerable again.
I spent the whole day just playing music, sun bathing at Barton Springs, playing with the dogs. Honestly, I did anything I could do to keep myself from twiddling my thumbs and contemplating worst case scenarios. At the end of a busy work day I get a call from Dr. K's office. The receptionist informed me that I am to call and schedule my pre-op visit and surgery between Day 6-10 of my next cycle. I chuckled. Then I realized that she sounded confused becos she wasn't aware of my history. I blurted out, "What if I don't have normal periods?" She definitely didn't know how to answer my question and I knew the answer. You don't get a normal period, then you're gonna be waiting a long fucking time for this surgery. She suggested that if I don't get a period next month to call back and see what else we could do. I assume Provera, but who knows.
Did Dr. K not hear me when I said I was eager to do this? Am I too eager? Is there something I'm not seeing? I'm just come out and say it...
I want a baby...
NOW!
Maybe this won't be such a bad thing, right? I could pay off some bills and start saving up more money, huh? I should look for another job, huh? I could pawn or sell some stuff, huh? I need guidance. I need someone to show me or tell me what to do. Ah, I'm just playing the victim. I know what I need to do, I just wish I didn't have to.
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