le cose semplice

nervosa e più arrabbiata

I was nervous going to see Dr. K Wednesday morning.  I had a 09:00 appointment to consult on our plan of action.  Dr. K mentioned that most consider one miscarriage a fluke, but when you have 2 in a row, you need to consider all your causes. 

1. Hormonal imbalance - if I was lacking the necessary hormones, I would be put on vaginal medication supplemented with a baby aspirin to help blood flow. 

2. Poor cell division - plain and simple...shit happens.

3. Environment/Lifestyle - hazardous environment, crazy heroin-chic lifestyle...not the case

4. Uterine abnormalities - fibroid, cysts, polyp, septum...surgical removal increases chances of fertility.

Last time we spoke, he mentioned performing a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) or Saline Infusion Sonogram (SIS).  The HSG is performed at a radiology center by injecting a contrast dye into the uterus.  It's supposed to give a good view not only of the uterus, but also the fallopian tubes.  The SIS is performed in the office by injecting sterile saline into the uterus and, at the same time, performing an ultrasound. The saline shows up as a black area in the sonogram and allows the doctor to view any abnormalities through that contrast.  And yesterday Dr. K made a good argument.  He said, "I would hate to start the process again and have another miscarriage knowing that it could have been prevented."

I went into this consult not knowing what to expect.  I thought he would sit me down and warn me about  another miscarriage and then prescribe Clomid again. That didn't happen.  I was antsy and blurted out, "Do you have time to do the SIS today? I have the day off and I don't mind waiting all day or leaving and coming back. My only concern is cost becos I now have a high deductible plan and I'm pretty sure they won't cover infertility."  I could see that he was speechless.  He asked if I needed to think about things and he didn't want to pressure me into any procedure. I told him I was eager to get started and that if this test would help me, us, go into this next pregnancy with a clear mind, then it was necessary.

He stepped out of the room and his mom came in to discuss finances.  Just as I suspected, my insurance didn't offer any coverage and I would have to pay the private pay fee of $450.  I was ready to pay it, but my first thought was, "I could have a first trimester abortion with IV sedation for the same cost as this ultrasound!" Once I laughed it off (in my mind) his mom discussed that since our doctors were good friends and since a close friend of theirs referred me that I would be getting a discount.  I was ever so grateful and hugged her and by now it was 10:00.  I waited in the lobby for 30 mins, but I could see that more and more patients were showing up for their appointments.  The receptionist asked if I could come back at 13:30 for the SIS.  I said sure and went home to eat some lunch.  

This whole time, Maund had called in sick to work and was nice enough to take my car in for it's inspection...2 months overdue, hehehe. At home I briefed him on the consult and told him about the ultrasound at 13:30.  He offered to come with and I declined.  I was told I could drive myself home.  I decided to take 800mg of Ibuprofen at 12:45 and hoped for the best.  

I arrived 10 mins early, just to be on the safe side and was put into an exam room to undress from the waist down.  I waited a little until Dr. K and his assistant came in.  I lied down on the exam table and had to sit my bottom near the edge.  He inserted the speculum, which was surprisingly uncomfortable, and that discomfort was unusual for me.  I never have any issues, but that day I guess I did.  Once the speculum was in and open he placed some betadine at the cervix along with a tiny balloon slash catheter.   After that was in place he removed the speculum and then inserted the ultrasound probe.  That's when the real fun began.  He started to inject the saline into my uterus and I felt some mild cramping.  It took all of 5 mins, but towards the end the cramping became moderate.  The whole time I kept on visualizing someone filling up a water balloon.  My uterus was a balloon getting inflated with water, except this balloon had nerves and a mind of its own and didn't want to inflate.  When it was all over, I sat up and had a waterfall coming out of my vagina.  Even before we began I asked, "So you're putting water in my uterus.  Are you gonna take it out?"  He chuckled and mentioned that some of the saline would absorb into the body if it escaped through the fallopian tubes, but the rest would drain afterwards and residual saline would also leak for the next day or two.  

Dr. K and the assistant stepped out for a moment to let me get dressed and he came back to discuss the findings.  What he showed me was not what I was expecting.  I assumed my issues stemmed from some kind of hormone deficiency, not a mass in my uterus.  He showed me 3 uterine/endometrial polyps. Two were small and barely noticeable, then he showed me the one prominent polyp.  He explained that most polyps were benign and rarely cancerous, but if removed we would send a sample out for testing.  I wasn't too familiar with polyps so I asked what it was.  Was it a mass of tissue or more like a cyst filled with liquid? How do we get rid of them? Medications? Surgery? Once removed, will they grow back?  Have there been women who successfully carry a pregnancy with polyps? 

Yes, it's a mass. If cancerous, a hysterectomy is performed. To remove polyps he suggests surgery, not a  D&C, but an outpatient day surgery under general anesthesia.  From what I understood, he would lasso the polyp and slice it off.  I pictured a tiny lasso made of piano wire.  I would be completely under and return to work the following day.  My restrictions would include nothing inserted vaginally for 2 weeks, then we could start medications and attempt conceiving once again.  Dr. K mentioned that the removal would increase my chances of a successful pregnancy.  He said, "I don't worry you won't get pregnant, we just need to keep you pregnant."

All this was just the consult and test.  I cried a little during the consult.  I cried a little during the results.  I now had to think about Dr. K's fees, facility fees, anesthesiologist fees.  What ball park am I looking at? $2,700 or more like $22,000? The ambulatory/surgical center gave me an estimate of ~$3,300, Dr. K said ~$1,400 but his mom said she would give me a discount, now I have to check with the anesthesiologist. 

The other option is to take Clomid anyway and hope that I don't miscarry again.  But even with the surgery there's no guarantee that I won't miscarry.  There's no guarantee that I won't have to do the surgery again.  Most women who experience polyps are in their 40s and 50s.  I know I joke that I'm an old woman, but this really takes the cake! 

I sobbed all the way home.  I sobbed when I saw my husband.  I sobbed for a good part of the afternoon until I cried myself to sleep.  I woke up shortly and watched TV and started feeling not so defeated and then dozed off again.  I woke up to Maund's phone ringing and all I heard was, "nothing, just watching TV...*silence*...tabrik," and he got up and walked out the back door.  I picked my head up and stared at the back door.  I waited awhile for him to come in and when he did he refused to look at me.  I asked, "what's up?" He said Ang, his sister, had called.  He hesitated badly and said, "I guess she's 8 weeks pregnant." I held it together as long as I could, but it was no use.  I cried and cried.  I was so angry! I saw red and other crazy colors. I eventually calmed down and called her back to tell her congrats, but she didn't pick up.

After awhile of over-thinking I got mad becos I just partied with her on Friday and she didn't say a goddamn thing!  If she had told me any other day prior to Wed, I would have been fine.  Why did she wait for the one day when I find out that my struggle to have a baby that began in 2008 still has no end in sight?!?!?! And why does she get to have the Feb/Mar/Apr baby I have been dying to have?  She knew very well that May/Jun/Jul were my target conception months!  

I'M JUST SO ANGRY! Am I such a shitty person that this keeps on happening? Why? What did I do? What lesson am I supposed to learn?  Is this survival of the fittest? Are my genes not supposed to live on? I don't get it!!! What's the point? I told Maund I wanted a divorce.  I told him it would be best.  He could find someone with better genes and continue his legacy.  I told him it would probably be cheaper in the long run to adopt or be okay with the idea of being the spinster aunt and uncle.  I told him I didn't want a baby anymore.

He smiled and hugged me and said divorce was outta the question.  He said he wanted a baby with me and knew that so did I. He said adoption was way too expensive and didn't care if he had to apply for more credit cards or a loan or borrow against the house in order to have this surgery.  He said, "MAN UP! We're gonna have a baby, you just have to be optimistic!"

I just hate to be dependent on credit.  I wanted to pay down my debt and get a new car and then help my husband pay down his card. I don't want to delay things any more and it feels like a gigantic clock is ticking away the seconds.  Going along with Maund's advice and the macho theme, I guess if we're gonna do this, we're going balls out. There's no other way.  

come un gatto in un sacco

Francesco Petrarca's photo shoot.

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salvami

Today was supposed to be a great day.  How did it end up like this?  It started out mediocre.  I thought about waking you up, but I stopped myself.  I got ready for work and made breakfast.  I heard my texting ringer and I rushed to see if it was you, but it wasn't. 

At work I enjoyed the silence of my office for a minute and then JayKay walked in.  I had delusions of getting a mountain of tasks done, but I wasn't able to focus.  I couldn't concentrate on any single task.  It took me all day to read over 6 policies; something I could have normally completed in an hour or two.  I was even inclined to ask if I could leave early. I didn't feel well at all and I remembered that JayKay and I recently decided we would ask staff to leave their personal lives at home.  I need to lead by example.  How can I expect others to take me seriously if I'm having trouble following these same rules?

Today my mind was "...gone, but I don't know where."  No joke.  It wasn't until after lunch that I realized yesterday I had designated a large task to myself to complete today.  No pussyfootin' around, I called Dr. K's office and asked what the next step would be?  I had some blood work done in May and was told that my pregnancy hormone levels had reached zero again.  That was exciting news to me at that time, until Dr. K instructed me to call back in a month for the next step.  I was so upset, but a month has gone by and I'm more than ready.  This is what I want.

After speaking with Dr. K's office it was decided that I will begin a Provera regimen.  That's a pill a day for 10 days.  I should start my period within 10-14 days and then call in for Clomid, I assume, that part wasn't discussed.

Besides not being able to focus, I received a letter from the state declining to pay an invoice I had sent regarding medical records.  I was just going off of direction from my higher-ups and I laughed becos I should have known better, but ah, these things happen.  I took me a good 20 minutes to fill out the affidavit they requested with the records.  It wasn't difficult to read, I just couldn't focus.  

On the way home I blocked out the majority of the drive.  How did I get home in one piece?  I needed to stop by the pharmacy to pick up my medication, but it looked way too crowded and I went home instead. Dinner consisted of chili dogs: kosher dogs, grated cheddar, plush bun...nice, right? During my last visit to HEB I decided to try out a different chili.  Today was not the day to try new things.  Today was a day for comfort foods.  If you couldn't guess, the chili was a no go.  Another disappointment.

After dinner I left to pick up my meds and it turns out that half of the parking lot is under construction.  No worries, I don't mind parking a little further, I need the exercise.  Once I got to the pharmacy I was surprised to see that there was practically no line.  Normally there's a 30 minute wait just to talk tosomeone around this time! Not today.  The lady before me was in a motorized cart and took up both counters.  I was waiting patiently for her to move out of the way and 2 other people lined up behind me. Outta nowhere, this Spanish speaker approaches the counter and another pharmacy tech tends to her.  Turns out that she needs to pick up a prescription, too, but instead of having her wait in line like the rest of us, she goes before me.  Guess what, I speak Spanish, too! Maybe I wasn't in the mood to wait! Maybe I just want to get the hell out of there and continue this shitty day! The pharmacist tends to me and I end up speaking with the girl who skipped me.  She gives me this attitude.  Hey, I could have raised hell, but I waited.  I didn't complain out loud, but in my head I was yelling. She asks me to confirm my prescription and was getting ready to check me out, but I have a new insurance which she never bothered to confirm.  When I mention this she rolls her eyes and tells me it will take 5 minutes.  As I step aside to wait I can feel the tears coming on.  Was this the straw that broke the camel's back?  My eyes welled with tears and the customer behind me noticed and gave me a look of "aww, I understand" or "aww, it's okay" and I smiled slightly, averted my eyes and tried to think of happy things.  By now the pharm tech was ready, I paid and left. 

I almost lost it at HEB, but instead I came home, changed into my pjs, curled up in bed and let a little stress go.  I don't have anyone to share this with.  That's a lie. I choose not to share this stuff.  That's why I have the entire worldwide web, an abyss of cyberspace where my thoughts can get lost. I choose not to share with people I know becos if you could really see inside my mind you'd wonder why I haven't been committed yet.  

My theme music for today 

come un sole che sorge

My morning drive to Killeen has been rather enjoyable lately.  Granted it's not a drive that I make often, but when I do I get a chance to enjoy my music, a cool breeze, and the countryside. And since it's summertime, the road is well lit, even at 06:15 in the morning.  I would have to say that driving on Phantom Warrior Highway is always the highlight of the drive.  Minus the 2 lane highway and always getting stuck behind an 18-wheeler.  But for over 3 years now I've been telling myself I need to take pictures of certain scenery.  I hope to follow through with this soon enough. 

After passing through Florence, TX, I noticed a massive rain cloud blocking the sunlight.  At that moment Come un sole che sorge by il Nucleo started playing on my iPod.  And when Andrea sings "...meravigliosa sorgente di luce" is when the sun started to shine through the darkness with such splendor! It was so perfectly timed, so well orchestrated, that I started to smile.  Paying more attention to the lyrics and having the sun follow me, peeping in and out of the cloud, I began to tear up.  So here I am driving with tears in my eyes, singing at the top of my lungs, and basking in the glory of a star that sits approximately 93 million miles away!

Now the ending of this song is one that I really enjoy. "Sono un sole che sorge! Un'altro piccolo sole che sorge..." and as I'm singing these last couple of lines the sun is to my right and reaffirming the goodness present today.

So this positive, energetic feeling got me thinking about Roma and hanging out with the band.  My anthem for that summer was Sospeso.  It was my introduction to il Nucleo, and come to think of it, it might have been the rest of Italy's introduction to the band, too.  July 4, 2003, I was scheduled to travel to Firenze with some classmates, but instead I stuck around Roma for work.  I was in much need of some me time and loçkë had gone to Kaçanik for a quick visit.  The week prior I had spent my afternoons visiting the different music stores looking for their album Meccanismi.  Everyone I asked knew nothing about them or didn't have it in stock.  I finally decided to visit their website and look for the actual release date.  I saw that instead they would be playing inside Messaggerie Musicali on Via del corso! I was super excited about both being able to see the band live and the fact that this was taking place on Independence Day! 

I had asked Rose and Nevin if they wanted to join me since they stayed behind, too.  And when I got to the store I was alone.  The crowd was scant to say the least (less than 20 and that's a stretch) and my friends ended up showing a little late, but they made it and helped the turnout look a little better.  The band came out and Rose and I were amazed at how beautiful they were!  I was so mesmerized by the music and how they played and how they were dressed and how they acted.  I was In LoVe!  After the set I went and purchased their CD and contemplated on having them sign it.  I was nervous and shy and it took some coaxing, but Rose made me approach them for their autographs.  I opened with, "Sono venuta dal Texas solo a vedervi!"  Texas was my foot in the door.  Andrea and Marcello exclaimed, "Ah, Texas!" and Marcel began to talk about a Houston experience.  After taking pix and getting the autographs, I walked back to Rose and Nevin and stood star struck for a moment.  

I noticed that all the hub bub was dying down and the band was still there.  I felt invincible and asked Rose and Nevin if I should ask them out.  "It couldn't hurt," was Rose's response and Nevin agreed.  So I summed up all my courage and approached the band.  I asked if I could buy them a drink and to my surprise they were more than excited.  We walked down to Trinity College and enjoyed some drinks, we talked about their experiences on their small tour, Texas, music and Andrea made a remark about being in Roma for the first time.  I was taken aback and offered them a tour of Rome called "Roma...by Night" which uncle Mario had taken us on our first night there.  Aunt Suzy's boyfriend was excited to practice his English and his night tour included 5 people crammed into a tiny white hatchback driving at lightning speed along very narrow roads to see some historical sights...by night. Just thinking about it makes me smile. We walked EVERYWHERE! La Fontana di Trevi, Piazza di Spagna, Piazza Venezia, Piazza del Popolo, Largo Argentina, il Colosseo, il Foro Romano, Mussolini's balcony (Andrea did a great impersonation), Via Veneto (Little America), Via Condotti, Piazza Navona, Trastevere...everywhere!  We ended with Trevi and threw in some change to return to Roma one day.  Gosh, those ragazzi really made that Independence Day memorable and it's nice to know that they haven't forgotten about their #1 fan dal Texas.  

veranda

These last 2 nights I've been having trouble staying asleep.  My throat has been killing me and I decided to take Nyquil last night.  I remember mostly me and Yuni waiting for an aerobics class to begin, but we weren't at the gym.  We were waiting for one of those music rooms that you have to sign up for.  Ya know, the kind with a piano and bench and you take your music and just play and everything is muted? A practice room.

We enter once the room is ready and there's a piano, but I have this anxious feeling like I'm waiting for a ride and I don't want to miss them.  I walk back towards the front of the building past the other practice rooms and wait in the lobby.  Only now it's a reception/lobby/bar of a small hotel, almost galley-like, very narrow.  I've been outside this hotel before, just walking past it, but in another dream maybe 1 or 2 months ago.  

I'm waiting in the seating area. It's got a great lounge feel to it with big plush velvety purple chairs and candles everywhere!  Then a Hispanic gentleman approaches me and I have this feeling that I used to date him a long time ago, but I don't know if it was anyone from my real life.  He's a minor distraction and he mentions something about soccer when I realize that the person I've been waiting for has already come and gone.  

I rush out the front of the hotel and into an apartment building but I take a wrong turn and the whole first story turns out to be someone's apartment.  I found this out the hard way, I opened a white 6 panel door with a bright light radiating from around it but instead I find an old lady sitting on the toilet! Eww.  She points me in the right direction and I end up walking out her front door only now I'm on a wooden front porch with some stairs leading down to the ground.  

I follow them down to the ground and when I look back towards the house again, it's actually an apartment building and all the balconies are adorned with bikes/flowers/laundry/wind chimes, tons of randomness.  I look back down the street and see a row of houses that are pier and beam and sit up from the ground.  I start running along the houses on the right hand side and am frantically looking for one house in particular, but I don't know which one. 

There's a blue house that I run past with a woman standing on the front porch.  She calls to me, "Over here! You past it!" as she's waving me down.  It's your mom.  I run up to meet her, give her a hug, and we sit on the steps of the porch just talking.  She's talking and I am intrigued, but I don't know what she's saying.  She's also smoking a small joint and she offers but I decline.  She gets up to water some plants on her porch and she walks back and forth still talking.  I feel at peace.  She sits back down, still talking, and at that point her right hand reaches for my face.  Her thumb is positioned to sit on my chin while her index finger and other fingers are slightly curled under my chin/jaw.  She looks me in the eyes and with kindness and empathy in her eyes she says, "I know."

And then I wake up with a pain in my throat.

Maybe it was the combination of alcohol and hypnotic meds in the Nyquil, I don't know.  Why would I dream about talking to your mom? All views of this dream had a patina hue to it except when I was talking with your mom.  That scene had a light bluish tint.  Kinda like a freshness.  I don't know if that even makes sense, but that's the easiest way I can describe it.

Weird, huh?

babbo

Seeing my uncle in a fragile condition has got me thinking more and more about my Pops.  He's no "spring chicken" - as he would say- and now that I'm older I'm starting to worry.  I recently started listening to classic country again, thanks due to my Tio Nene, and it's very comforting.  I downloaded a couple of tracks from VH1 Storytellers: Johnny Cash & Willie Nelson and the pair reminds me so much of my Pops and Tio Nene.  This all started becos I promised to make some CDs for my uncle.  I'm hoping it will help him recuperate much faster.

Tio is definitely Johnny Cash.  Tall, dark figure, moody, charismatic when he wants to be, but a serious stern look on his face when he's not smiling.  Pops on the other hand is all Willie Nelson.  Laid back, happy, a true cowboy and serious when he wants to be, very personable minus being a pothead.  Besides these characteristics, it got me thinking about growing up country and how my dad absolutely loved "On the Road Again."  

I wonder if settling down was tough for him.  He seems like the kind of man that could keep on driving forever.  He loves the drive, the sights, the people, but most of all, I think he loves singing to music.  So when I was in the 5th grade, my sister had married and moved to Killeen a year prior becos her husband was in the military.  I was 10 years old and had no earthly idea where or what Killeen was.  All I knew was that my sister was there and we were gonna go visit.  I was pretty excited to see her after so long and was even more surprised when my Pops handed me a map of Texas and told me to map a route from Sabinal to Killeen and avoid the interstates.  Who does that?  I was totally stoked and grabbed a pencil and started making a route through towns in the Hill Country that I was already familiar with.  Was I that smart or did my Pops have that much faith in my map routing abilities?  Just think, a 10 yr old planning a driving trip, that's crazy!

I remember that first trip.  We spent somewhere between 4-5 hours on that trip.  Only recently did I realize that trip should have only taken 3 hours! The roads were alive with wildflowers and Texas rain.  We traveled through Hondo, Bandera, Pipe Creek to 281.  Then headed north through Johnson City, Marble Falls, Lampasas, then East through Copperas Cove and finally Killeen.  And we stopped EVERYWHERE! I remember getting some good chicken tenders and potato wedges at this chicken place that had a chicken mascot wearing a cowboy hat.  Or seeing the sky turn different shades of pink/orange/gray with the dusk.  It took a long time, but we spent the whole time listening to country music and singing at the top of our lungs.  Looking back I wonder if Mum was at all annoyed by us.  Have you ever seen Heartbreak Kid with Ben Stiller? That beginning part where they're traveling to Mexico and his bride has been singing the whole way? That's what we did.  I wonder why Mum never said anything?

These are the songs that really stick out in my mind.  The lyrics have no relevance to my life or that particular time frame, but the music takes me back to those trips.  It was always cool, weather-wise, I remember that. When I hear these songs I feel like I'm sitting in between my folks in that 1980's red Ford pickup just singing away with my Pops.  But most of all I remember being at peace, happiness and feeling safe. I had it made back then. 

George Strait - So Much Like My Dad

Mark Chesnutt - I'll Think of Something