la nonna

I guess I’m ready to share.

2010 has had some ups and downs. I’ve experienced death all too much this year. I’ve had 2 uncles (by marriage) that have passed, but the most heartbreaking loss was my grandmother.

Mamá passed away on May 29, 2010. We were having dinner with my colleagues Heather and Grace at Rudy’s when my cousin Lisa called to tell me of her passing. It didn’t fully register until the following day. We were at a wedding rehearsal when I had extended family calling to give condolences. I was getting sadder and sadder by the minute knowing that I had no way of getting to the funeral. Luckily, a couple of my second cousins were planning to make the trip to Mexico and offered to have me tag along.

After getting picked up in Austin @15:30, we stopped in Kyle to pick up a cousin and took off around 16:30. We then stopped in San Antonio to change cars and were joined by their sister and brother-in-law. We were now 5 crammed in a double cab truck on our way to Mexico, another 2 hours away. Once in Mexico we still had an hour drive to Allende.

When we arrived, the city was bustling and the Corona factory greeted us at the entrance. Everything seemed so familiar and different at the same time. The modern world had caught up with this sleepy town, but it was nice to see that it did not consume everyone in its path. It was around 21:30 when we arrived at Mamá’s house only to discover that the whole family was at the funeral home. I was so glad to be out of that car and bummed to think we had to get back in and drive across town. Once reunited with my whole family, I felt more at peace and a rather bittersweet happiness. Happy in the sense that I saw faces I hadn’t seen in at least 10 years, but bitter in the fact that it took my grandmother’s death to bring us together.

We closed the joint down at midnight and drove back to Mamá’s. I stayed up another 2 hours just catching up with my primitas and tias and enjoying a good home-cooked meal. Afterwards, I joined my mom, sister, and 2 nieces for bed, which consisted of sleeping on a blanket on my tio’s cement floor. I barely got any sleep. The next morning we began taking showers in shifts beginning at 06:00.

Lost Maples, TX - 2003

Our group started at the funeral home. We then drove to the next town, Villa Union, to attend a Catholic mass in the town’s oldest and beautiful church. If you’re not Catholic, like myself, and if you’re not Hispanic then you can’t possibly begin to fathom how long a funeral mass can be! These things go on ForEveR! During a Hail Mary and possibly the 5^th time we said the Lord’s Prayer, I swear my soul drifted into another universe and sailed across a supersonic plain and finally crash-landed back in the sleepy town of VU. The group poured out into the street and we proceeded to follow the hearse at a snail’s pace to the cemetery. Mamá would be buried next to Papá and the other children who had already passed. I hadn’t really cried until we reached the burial site. That moment felt like the final good bye. As the mariachis played and the family gathered around the casket, my uncle asked me to sing. I had sung this song plenty of times before and it wasn’t until now that I truly felt its sadness.

Tú eres la tristeza de mis ojos

Que lloran en silencio por tu amor
Me miro en el espejo y veo en mi rostro
El tiempo que he sufrido por tu adios

Obligo a que te olvide el pensamiento
Pues siempre estoy pensando en el ayer
Prefiero estar dormida que despierta
De tanto que me duele que no estés

Como quisiera que tú vivieras
Que tus ojitos jamás se hubieran cerrado nunca
Y estar mirandolos

Amor eterno e inolvidable
Tarde o temprano estaré contigo

Para seguir amándonos

                            "Amor Eterno" by Rocio Durcal

I had woken up that day at 06:00am and the funeral was over by 11:00a. It had happened too fast and I was afraid I hadn’t taken the time to soak it all in: the sights and scents of Mexico, the sound of the sadness and the laughter. We were on the road again by 11:17 and heading back to Austin.

I was so enraged that the drive home seemed to last a lifetime. I was tired, sad, sore, and missed my husband tremendously. Why? I don’t know. Maybe becos to experience such a tragedy without your best friend by your side makes you feel vulnerable. I wanted so much to yell and scream and demand to be taken home right that instant, but I came to my senses and realized if it weren’t for these people I would never have had the opportunity to say goodbye to my dearest Mamá.

It was a little past 18:00 when I set eyes upon my house. I was home again and it felt good.